Well, not really a big lead up with that title: This is my last post.
I started this blog just shy of three years ago, and I’ve covered a lot of ground between then and now. From processing my feelings on the toxic ex of a then new partner, all the way up to her being a distant memory and me not holding every mermaid accountable, to most recently, our intimate fairytale nuptials.
In between the topics ranged from navigating a global pandemic, voicing my frustrations on racial injustice, a few travel experiences in real time, as well as past. The documenting of my budding love of sailing, the trials and tribulations (and joys) of growing older, as well as some that tore my heart out, like as I purged the confusion within the grief I experienced during the tragic loss of a close friend, the sadness I poured onto a page in a tribute to a beloved pet lost, or the one where I bared my soul in recounting the damage my children and I experienced at the hands of a sociopath.
I suppose with all that being said, it’s obvious I never settled into one lane, but if there was one reoccurring theme that wove it’s way throughout my posts more consistently than any others, it would have to be the demons I exorcized as they related to my mother. In doing that, this little blog healed me in ways I never expected. After feeling silenced for so many years, or frustrated that when I did speak out it fell on deaf ears, finding my voice on this platform made me feel heard.
Interestingly enough, by some of the messages in my inbox, it would seem that my estranged mom was a regular reader. Though reading doesn’t mean hearing, and it definitely doesn’t translate to understanding. And that’s ok, the reality is that I did feel understood by many, and those with their similar experiences let me know I was so much less alone in that part of my life than I’d thought. With every post I found more confidence in speaking my truth, and as that happened, the less I needed her to understand, the less I needed that, the more peace that came into my world.
In all these posts, whatever the subject matter, every single time somebody reached out to say they related, or to share how they were affected by reading what I wrote, it validated that pull to express myself through the written word that I’ve always felt for as far back as I can recall.
During these past three years I gave life to a new reality with my pen (well my fingers on a keyboard, you know what I mean). I spent so many years referring to myself as a “wanna be writer”, but with every blog post I posted I became a little more comfortable in saying ” I am a writer”. I may not be a great writer, I’m not a published writer (yet), but a writer none the less. I am a writer, because I write.
The plan is to keep writing, just not here. I’m going to enter some writing contests, maybe start submitting essays to magazines or newspapers. I’m also planning to keep chipping away at that book.
Considering how sporadic my posting has been, I suppose I didn’t need to do anything as dramatically formal as officially sign on just to sign off, but yeah, I did. I’m a full circle kinda girl. And this little piece of my life has been full circle worthy. I mean hey, it’s one thing to write, but it’s a whole other to have what you write, read! So to all of you that indulged me, encouraged and reassured me, or just stumbled upon a post and took the time to browse through it, I thank you. Big big gratitude for it all.
Here we are…It’s that nostalgic end of the year wrap when you can’t help but look back and see how the year in the rear view measured up. This is not some collective 2022 in review, I’ll leave that to those with a broader understanding of what’s what in the bigger picture. This is just me glancing around my tiny little corner of this great big world, and in my minds eye I see flashes of a highlight reel of what stands out for better or worse. Speaking of “for better or worse”….About that thing I did…
It’s not the first time I did this thing, but it’s the first time I feel like I knew what I was doing when I did it. I said “I do” and this time I really really meant I will. I do and I will for the good days, I do and I will for the less than good days. Not that I didn’t mean the other I do’s when I did, I just didn’t really know what I was supposed to be doing and in one case, who I was doing it with.
I’ve wanted to write about these magical nuptials and capture every fairytale feeling on a page, however as the paragraph above reveals I find it difficult to think of this most recent legally recognized union without recalling the two previous. That’s right- this one makes three and if one more person says “third time’s the charm”, I’ll finally get around to writing that book just to throw it at them.
Anyway, my whole life’s been charmed in a sense. How can that be you say when I’ve written such horrific tales of abuse and abandonment?! Easy …I’ve survived 100% of every bad thing that’s happened to me and so has the little coven I birthed. We’ve taken our fair share of brutal life sized beat downs but here we stand. Together ~ reveling in the happy moments, carrying one another through the challenging ones, and with the ability to consistently move forward. Sounds pretty charmed to me in what can, for many, be a cruel ugly world all too often. I feel as though I may have written these almost exact words before. Well, they bear repeating.
So about that first wedding – oh my sweet, handsome, looking like a young Brad Pitt, of a boy first husband. A million apologies to him for all the times I drove us off of cliffs during our stretch on the road of life, buuuut in all fairness, he willingly came along for the ride. I suppose what we had was the classic “married too young” scenario. We were so pretty and we liked other pretty people. We were caught somewhere between those youthful wild streaks and a desire to look like our idea of a classic family. We checked off those grown up boxes right down to babies, bills, working too much, and feeling stuck. By the end, for as pretty as we may have been, the family life was not. The wedding itself I guess could be considered a fair representation of what would come to be. We were children in dress up cloths, in a big fancy church we had zero connection to. The reception so Nassau County, in a big ol’ Irish restaurant. There was a template for a basic wedding and I dutifully mirrored that as best I could in the planning. It was devoid of my personality, which was probably for the best. The after party back at the honeymoon suite was more the essence of my personality and that entailed pool hoping by way of a strangers hotel room and scaling a balcony, security escorts out, a misplaced rented tuxedo jacket (presumably left behind in the pool area), elevator fights, the groom trying to flush his ring down the toilet, and one of his hometown homies professing his love to me…..Oy vey, what a way to start a life. We shouldn’t have been remotely surprised by anything that followed.
Ahhh marriage number two. I’ve already written in painful detail about the marriage itself but the wedding was somewhat lovely. I still didn’t really know who I was, but I did know I was on a path of becoming who I would be. I would have to say perhaps that although I was actually almost to my mid thirties with four children in tow, since my previously lived lifestyle had somewhat stunted my emotional growth, this trip down the aisle had all the first time feels. While I was still following a traditional guide of what the day is “supposed” to look like, I was simultaneously exercising my own opinions in the finer details. It took place in a small town country church where we’d begun to establish roots. The pastor a man we respected, who I believed truly knew us (though later we all would come to learn none of us had ever known the groom). Many congregation and community members on the guest list and a large lavender wedding party of our closest friends surrounded us. We celebrated under a sprawling white tent in a farm field where we looked like we could have stepped out of a magazine, with a hundred plus people running around in their Sunday best. A few things went wrong that day but they were swept under the rug before anyone could notice. The perfect appearance maintained. Actually, with the honesty of hindsight, things had been going wrong throughout the planning – a fight with a bridesmaid, some weirdness with the caterer, over extending the guest list just to appease. A super suspect bachelor party. An underlying feeling of everything being just a tad bit forced. Perhaps this wedding day too was a foreshadowing of the marriage to be. A constant struggle to maintain expected appearances. Surface accomplishments. An intuitive sense of foreboding I hadn’t yet learned to listen to. A ten year process of letting go of my idea of looking like perfection at all costs. And what a cost we all paid for that…I can never say “no regrets”, for I will always regret that wedding day. I will never wish away my earlier days with him, as my youngest could never never be a regret, but he and I had ended shortly after her birth, before the wedding. There is a path I could have chosen where I could have had her and also kept ALL my children safe from him. So yeah, it might be a lovely concept to say “no regrets” but that is not my story.
On that note …A brief pause here before I highlight what was my favorite happy day of 2022 to give an honorary mention to January 3rd for a damn close 2nd of a favorite day. Though it’s not so much “happy”. January 3rd holds a whole different kinda feeling. It’s a bittersweet pill, but hard fought for none the less. If you know, you know. #justice
That brings us to the best, best day ~ 7/21. I’ve been a June bride, a May bride, and now a July bride. July – sweltering heat, always a lingering threat of a storm unexpectedly materializing and passing through just as quickly, evening sea breezes cooling off the hot day. ~ sounds about perfect for us. And 7/21 was perfect. It couldn’t have been anything but since it was done with zero expectations of what perfect should look like. The only thing that mattered was that at sunset (rain or shine) this perfectly imperfect life partner of mine and perfectly imperfect me, would officially become Mrs & Mr. We put some loose plans in place and left enough wiggle room for the universe to work it’s magic, always willing to improvise. And as it turned out, magic was the specialty of the day.
We picked a date. We changed the date. We asked the groom’s brother in law to please get ordained and officiate. We asked the groom’s sister to bake the cake. We asked them both to allow us to hold the reception in their backyard. There was driftwood dragged off the beach to create a wedding archway that was assembled and erected at the spot overlooking the water. The spot which neighbored the reception property. The spot which may technically be a public park. The spot which we may or may not have had a permit to use. Mismatched thrift store chair finds with some former funeral home chairs sprinkled in, created the intimate guest seating. I didn’t so much walk down the aisle, as frolic over to the spot after announcing in a loud voice to all gathered in the adjoining backyard to “follow me, I’m going to get married”. My oldest NoFo friend by my side. The groom’s son by his. As luck would have it, Mister Softee came by just in time to provide the processional music. The newly ordained officiant knocked it out of the park, especially when beginning the ceremony by quoting Prince. š The sunset sky was brilliant with a momentary threat in the form of a rumble of thunder and flash of light across the sky. Just the perfect amount of drama.
We ate gourmet sliders served up from a food truck owned and operated by dear old friends, sitting around swiped picnic tables from the marina lined up in a row, under lights strung through the trees. We drank sparkling water from blue bottles out of iridescent wine glasses. We were toasted, we laughed, we smiled, we took a gazillion Polaroid pictures with silly props, the groom broke out his guitar and serenaded me with an Elvis song. We cut and ate that gorgeous, delicious cake. My beautiful babies surrounded me with their attention and love from beginning to end on that day. There wasn’t a person who was a part of it that didn’t show up and help in all the ways.
The finale of the night ~ Fireworks! Fireworks on the beach. Totally brilliant and illegally purchased by my youngest. She’s her mother’s daughter! And then, when it was all over, the groom and I retired to our boat. Our boat which had been delightfully decorated by a crew of incredibly thoughtful, loving, sneaky ones.
Everything about the day was my kinda perfect, and I honestly don’t know that the future of a married life can be dictated by what’s essentially just a party, just one day, but if it can, I’ll take it. All the elements of the life ahead I hope for are there.
Now I suppose one might wonder why at this stage of the game and with those two untied knots behind me, would I even find it necessary to take one more plunge. I wondered this myself as I mulled it over. I guess it comes down to that of all the beliefs I’ve formulated as I’ve moved through this life of for better or worse experiences, is that a celebrated union does mean something. The words husband and wife, in this case feels like who we’re supposed to be. I didn’t know I could fall in love with a whole family, or that it could be so significant to give a name to who he is in mine. We now have our own relationship names directly with these other people we love. Not just mom or dad’s girlfriend/boyfriend. We’re step parents and in-laws and our families are connected officially. And that is worth believing in, and creating, and celebrating. So yeah, I did it…I did it again!
For whatever a mixed bag a year can be, I do hope 2022 brought it’s fair share of cherished moments to all y’all, and that 2023 has even more happiness in store for each and everyone of us ā„ļø
After a few small sails close to home, and a month of staying aboard our new (to us) dreamboat at the dock, it is time for our true maiden voyage. The plan is not an overly ambitious one. We leave tomorrow and spend the day sailing to Block Island. The course has us set to arrive in the evening. We plan to wake up early Friday morning (my birthday) to have breakfast on the Island and explore just a bit before returning to the boat and setting sail to Montauk. Dinner reservations are already in place for the restaurant at Gurneys, and proper attire aboard. We then again arise early to sail home Saturday. We are well prepared for the weather to have turned overnight. We will be sailing home in some snotty weather but the wind conditions predicted will be nicely at our back and it should be a quick sail to the dock. The captain has gifted me with the finest foul weather gear as an early birthday gift, so I feel well prepared.
Ships Log- Day One
Ahhh plans, well as most of us surely know….We make ’em and someone’s laughing. I suppose I could insert the beloved quote here about how I can’t change the winds but I can adjust my sails but not so sure that fits proper at this particular moment. The wind was fluky today. We initially didn’t mind, it wasn’t the fastest sail but the day started warm and the skies were blue. For dinner we dined on shrimp cocktails, and cheese and crackers in the cockpit, as the setting sun created what could easily be rated as one of the best sunset skies we’d ever seen in our lives ~ I swear I do not exaggerate about this! Today was my Uncle Jimmy’s birthday, and I whispered wishes to him in the wind so I’m pretty sure that he had something to do with providing that spectacular show. (Thank you Uncle Jimmy, missing you always š¤)
Back to the sailing, oh yes the wind- not the best, and with the sky growing darker we decided it time to do a little motor sailing in the name of reaching our destination. Cheating? I don’t know – I don’t care. We wanted to make it to Block and all the adjusting alone of sails was not going to make that happen in a timely fashion. So motor sail we did, eventually reaching the channel. That long, dark, narrow channel that after eight plus hours at sea would lead us to the harbor and the security of a town mooring. What could go wrong…
>>>> Engine dies as we enter it<<<<
Sometimes luck meets skill and all is well. This would be one of those times. The wind, now on our stern, and the captain’s fine handling, had us sail on through keeping red on right with ease. I snagged us the first mooring we drifted upon and we safely secured ourselves. So yes, all is well. The engine concerns can wait until morning. Time to snuggle and snooze.
Ship’s Log-Day Two
My Birthday morning began with a visit from the very understanding Harbor Master, she did not give us a hard time for being on a private yacht club mooring once we explained the situation. The captain put on his diesel mechanic hat and got to work. I spent the day in pajamas and busied myself with leisure activities, occasionally offering supportive words. By late afternoon filters were changed, air was bled, and she fired right up sounding strong. Our dinner reservations were a thing of the past and Montauk was off the table. We decided to stay put rather than sail for home as the weather has turned quicker than originally called for. The winds are already starting to blow, the seas getting high. No doubt the SV Mariah can handle this, and no doubt the captain is capable. However with the recent engine issues and myself, an inexperienced first mate, this is the safest decision. Looking at the marine forecast it is feasible to say we won’t leave until this coming Wednesday. We did motor over to a proper town mooring and chose one that put us considerably closer to the dingy dock. We are now hunkered down for the weather. My birthday dinner of soup and grilled cheese was delicious.
Ship’s Log-Day Three
Well we slept like babies. Today is gray and rough and we have no plans beyond lazin’ about.
Ship’s Log-Day Four
Yesterday was gray and rough but comfortable. Today is much rougher. The seas in our little harbor are 3-5′. I hated to admit it but, I was getting seasick. The motion was constant, unrelenting. A few times I caught myself transfixed by a Siren’s song as I stared out a porthole at the rolling waves, mesmerized by the very action that contributes to seasickness. Effin’ Sirens.
Looking at the marine forecast it is clear we have days of this weather ahead. We discussed and decided to pack the essentials in a watertight bag and carefully board the dingy. Sideways sheets of rain soaked us as we surfed dark waves to the shore in the small inflatable boat. I clung to the bag in my possession desperate to keep its contents secure in my arms. Once we safely tied up at the dingy dock we took a five minute uphill walk to the Bed & Breakfast I had already secured us. We checked into our well appointed room and have a view of our boat in the harbor. We officially declare this a spontaneous honeymoon. I mean we are three months overdue since the fairytale “I do’s” we did in the height of our busy season. A hot shower is calling me, I must go.
Ships Log-Day Five
The essentials I brought ashore as we temporarily abandoned ship served us well today. There was no need to move beyond our beautiful king suite too early as I used the electric kettle to boil the water and the French press to make us perfect cups of coffee in our current favorite mugs. I can only give thanks that nothing as tragic as the bag containing these items being lost at sea happened in our perilous quest to make land. I shudder at the thought.
Worth noting – This unexpected extended vaca has all the spooky season vibes. A tiny New England island during a stretch of gray stormy days, the wind creating a constant moan. No ferries running to get anyone to or from the mainland. Today there were breaks in the rain long enough to walk to a nearby restaurant and enjoy a satisfying meal with the towns other stranded inhabitants. As much as this girl here declares herself a summer girl, fall gives me all the feels, and this was a perfect fall day.
Ship’s Log-Day Six
After another leisurely morning that extended beyond noon, as our lovely hosts were kind enough to allow us a late check out, it is time to head back to the boat.
Mid morning tomorrow appears to be our window to leave. The remainder of the day was spent readying ourselves to set sail. It looks as though we have quite the rocking and rollin’ night ahead of us but, the wind is forecasted to lay down significantly tomorrow.
Ship’s Log- Day Seven
Well my faithful ship’s log, I write this entry not from my home port but from yet another town mooring in Block Island Harbor.
Today as we motored through the channel on our way out of the harbor I saw the biggest seal I’ve ever seen! He popped his head up on our starboard side. My joy was short lived as right when I squealed “omg that’s the biggest seal I’ve ever seen”, the captain simultaneously declared “oh shit, not now” in response to the engine that just up and died. Oh shit is right, very bad timing.
Right then a gust of wind blew us past the red buoy we’d had on our left just a moment earlier and our dingy got caught up on it. This happened just as we heard (and felt) ourselves hit ground. The dingy worked its way free of ol’ big red and then subsequently got caught up under the now stationary Mariah, it’s lines tangled in her prop. Oh boy.
Well, today gave me the opportunity to put into practice the most important thing Josh has taught me about being on the water…That I am to remain calm no matter what happens. To listen to him and follow direction. I may give him a run for the money on land but at sea he’s the captain and I defer to him completely. So remain clam I did, as I’m quite certain panic could only make any bad situation worse. And then with admiration and awe, I watch him spring into action.
While grabbing a crocodile Dundee sized knife, Josh leapt into the dingy and cut her loose from our prop, hurling himself back onboard before the tide carried her first to the rocks and then to the beach, where the Harbor Master would later secure her so we could eventually retrieve her. He deployed the bow anchor and a stern anchor as well. Even though we were hard aground the fierce winds and the force of the incoming tide threatened to push us into the nearby rocks. The anchors assisted tremendously in keeping us from that fate, though we would spend the next hour and a half watching the jetty grow closer and closer.
We radioed for help and the coast guard arrived in ten minutes, keeping eyes on us and remaining in regular contact until SeaTow’s arrival. Apparently they can only intervene if the boat is sinking or if we were injured. Josh did routine bilge checks to make certain our vessel wasn’t taking on water and Mariah was holding strong. As previously mentioned, the Harbor Master drove to the beach where our dingy had arrived. After securing the dingy she remained and kept eyes on us as well. I held myself upright as best I could in the cockpit, the boat heeled on its left side. Josh and I chatted and kept our spirits up as we were pummeled by the waves crashing over us. Man is this Hellie Hansen gear a great birthday gift!
Finally Joel from SeaTow arrived. He expertly floated us a line which Josh secured to our bow and he promptly and safely pulled us away from the rocks we had grown so insanely close to during the previous hour and a half.
Once safely towed back to a town mooring, Joel put on his dive gear and went under the boat to untangle any remaining line from the prop and check for damage. Miraculously we have none (with the exception of she’ll definitely be needing some bottom paint). I made us all some hot chocolate with a spoonful of instant espresso and we warmed our bones and expressed our gratitude to each other for the safe outcome of this latest adventure. Then Joel gave Josh a ride to retrieve our dingy and now once again, all is well.
Tomorrow it’s back to the Diesel engine drawing board but, now we rest!
Ship’s Log-Day Eight
Today I briefly lost moral. The captain pulled double duty as he did his best to simultaneously soothe me, while also returning to the process of trouble shooting the engine. Realizing I was being more moody wife rather than helpful first mate, I did my best to be in the solution and not just wallow in the fact that everything aboard was now wet and dirty and we were running dangerously low on necessary supplies (read coffee).
As he did what he could do without access to any parts, I communicated with those peeps back home that could perhaps participate in helping us secure specific parts, should Josh figure out one or more he absolutely needs. With the ferry again running out of Montauk to Block and a Yanmar dealer not far from its departure point, I felt reassured that we wouldn’t be stranded forever. I also found solace in the fact that as the day progressed the rain ceased and the seas were calm. The dingy dock is close, and the market open all day. The Captain agreed we would schedule a trip ashore to re-up the necessities (again-read coffee). This alleviated my most grave concerns (read- running out of coffee).
As the captain continued to work, I too remained busy. I busied myself researching laundry mats and what I found was one solitary laundry mat on the entire Island and it was attached to a frequented by the locals, grub serving dive bar. Oh yeah, we got a date night plan!
After many hours with his head in the engine the captain knocked off. Not 100% certain if all the poking, prodding, cleaning, reassembling, etc did the trick or not but there’s not much else to do without giving her a good go. He called it a day with the plan to come back and run her again later.
Meanwhile we climbed in the dingy with a fairly large bag of laundry, and in the calmest seas we’ve experienced in a week, we took a smooth ride to the dingy dock. We rented a moped with a box attached to the back that with a little squishing supported the big ol’ bag and we headed off into the sunset and the promise of fresh clean, and not just dry but warm from the dryer, clothing!
Fast forward to two hours and burned cheese on shitty piece of cardboard later, coupled with the realization that none of the dryers work…No words right now. The only thing giving me life right now is the promise of morning with the fresh roasted Block Island dark roast I scored at the market.
Tomorrow is another day…
Ships Log- Day Nine
And another day it’s been…A warm day! With the sun shining and Block Island’s finest beans, both the coffee and the morning was smooth.
I immediately went to work hanging laundry out on every line, sheet, and rail I could. Once again believing in the dream of dry clothes. I am happy to report unlike those no heat, cold air blowing dryers, the sunshine did not let me down!
The captain ran the engine both last night and again this morning for quite some time and at this point seems to feel as confident in the engine as he can. A look at the marine forecast, as well as our favorite wind predicting app gives us just cause to believe the semi- decent wind predicted for tomorrow am is our best bet. Erring on the side of caution we made arrangements with the Harbor Master for her to stand by as we motor out of the channel. Once our plan was in place for a departure we decided to head back to land. Our rental moped still parked at the dingy dock and ours a while longer, we felt justified in temporarily shaking off all other concerns and exploring the island proper.
Even before today, even in last nights cool air, and all the previous gray, windy, and often wet moments we spent on the tiny Island during the past week, I already had developed a special affection for it. After today though, I am one hundred percent captivated by its beauty and charm. What a special little Island this is and how happy I am to have experienced it in the “off season” with my captain, my husband. Block Island officially owns a little piece of my heart and I feel certain we will return but, tomorrow we sail home….
Ships Log- Day Ten
That’s right, day ten of our planned three day adventure and we are finally out of the Block Island Harbor. Not that we are in our homeport mind you, we’re actually docked in Montauk this evening. I’ll explain…
We woke early only to find that the rain was back in full force, this had not been in the forecast but, here we were. We pushed back our departure time a bit, the NW wind not particularly in our favor regardless of when we left. After a bit the rain lightened up and with everything stowed and secured and the Harbor Master standing by, we began motoring through the channel. Once again I saw a seal pop his head up on our starboard side, and with my promise of “no squealing” fresh in my mind, I merely pointed. The engine ran without incident and we approached the last set of buoys. As we got closer to the open waters the waves became larger and the spray created as it crashed against our bow caught the sunlight and illuminated a large flash of rainbow for several seconds. Again I refrained from yelling out in excitement and just thought to myself “well, that’s a good omen”. And then on a westerly course we set sail.
For what felt like forever Block Island remained just as close in our rear view. The time continued to pass yet every time we turned around still no distance had been placed between us and the Island we’d spent the past week and then some at. The imposing row of wind turbines just to our port side mocking us. I shook off the silly notion of being trapped inside a spooky movie where things weren’t what they seemed and you were never actually getting off the ‘supposedly’ charming island. I turned my attention forward.
The repeated rising followed by a sharp drop as we took the 6′ waves one after the next right on our nose, wasn’t too bad while at the helm, but after some time I felt that familiar feeling of seasickness creeping up. It didn’t take much experience to know with the kind of time we were making in these wind conditions and opposing currents, that we’d be at this well after dark and dependent on the engine to make any kind of real progress. The captain confirmed my suspicions and mercifully granted my request to tweak the course and get us to the considerably closer port of Montauk. I secured us a transient slip rather than us anchor, as it had been since last Tuesday I’d experienced a hot shower. After indulging in one of the longest showers I think I have ever taken (shout out to the Montauk Angler’s Club for having the literal best water pressure and endless hot water!!), we grabbed a taxi and went out for a Saturday night date.
Tomorrow I tap out. My baby brother is driving in from up Island and taking over the First Mate position. I feel minimally bad about the decision but justify that it is not a case of abandoning ship as there are many legit factors that make this a sound choice. The promise of completing this journey in little bro’s truck, on paved roads has me a bit like a kid on Christmas, which in reality is mostly about seeing our dog. I really really miss our dog.
Ship’s Log – Day Eleven
While I made the last leg of this trip on land (and two ferries), I still feel it’s my duty to continue this log until Mariah is safely back in her slip, the journey truly complete. The captain, along with his newest crew member (though they are not strangers to being on a sailboat in questionable conditions together and lawd, that’s a whole other story) made slow but steady progress on the uneventful sail home. Well almost uneventful that is. Let’s just leave it at that they were granted time to enjoy another one of our stunner NoFo sunsets while they waited for SeaTow – Boater friends – Do y’all have SeaTow? You’re crazy if you don’t. Huge props to SeaTow’s near and far for being the best!!
Once towed to the mouth of the channel that enters the cove we call home, Mariah is left there to anchor. It is dark and the tide is low. The captain will stay aboard and in a daytime high tide, either by her own steam or tow if needed, she will finally be back home.
I wish him well and here I am snuggling it up with our dog.
Ship’s Log – Day Twelve
I arrived to the marina to find that Mariah’s engine had started right up today and at first light the captain motored her safely to her slip. She is tied up securely and our maiden voyage is officially over.
When we set sail almost two weeks ago I hadn’t a clue about the adventures that lay ahead. Learned a lot about boating, Mariah in particular, about myself, and about how my husband and I operate as a team, especially in an emergency situation. On this crash course of “anything can happen”, mostly I learned that I have a lot to learn. Sign me up for the next semester ~ I can’t wait to see where the wind takes us next āµļø
I sit in bed writing this with sleepy eyes, sipping coffee I screwed up and made too weak. I’m particularly tired because I’ve been up for hours after my sleep was unexpectedly interrupted.
My sleep is frequently interrupted by an 80lb German Shepard who likes to be let out for a pee in the middle of the night. Either Josh or myself groggily taking the brief trip to let her out the back door, then stumbling back into bed moments later, easily drifting off to dreamland once again. So clearly that wasn’t the “unexpected” part. That came in the form of a Facebook message. A message I had no business looking at half asleep on a routine 4am let the dog out and don’t let yourself fully wake up event.
Oh mom ~ you never fail to get in a good jab or two, well done. After the last message she sent, which in all fairness I provoked by poking the bear with my scandalous tale of “A Mother’s Love” story at this time last year, one would think I would have her blocked, but I can’t seem to do it. Here Josh received one introductory message from her where she selflessly attempted to warn him of his impending doom trusting in a vixen like me and it instantly landed her on his blocked list. Somehow though It would seem the thickheaded, pathetic part in me still wants to make myself available for the day she has the maternal awakening and wants to make right all the wrong <<< Don’t worry folks, not really over here holding my breath.
Her last message that came months after that post, perhaps she had only just discovered my therapeutic blogging activity, admonished me for failing to accept my part of the blame. I had apparently forgotten to tell all those who took the time to read it that I arrived late for dinner, which was the reason why she’d have to take a cab or get a ride from my boyfriend. BUT WAIT, for arriving late to dinner was not the worst of my wrongs…The biggest atrocity I committed was the fact that I did not properly appreciate the sacrifice she made by disappearing with for days and having LOTS of sex with the man 17 year old me loved, for she did it simply to show me he could not be trusted. Don’t worry mom, mission accomplished ….You most certainly taught me not to trust. Anyone.
She had begun her self righteous, dripping with justification, finger pointing, self pitying note to me by accusing me of seeking attention. She’s not entirely wrong, just wrong about who I seek the attention from.
I can put whatever good intention, healing path, see the light bullshit spin on every story I scribble into life on a page, but she was not wrong that my motives weren’t pure, they weren’t, nor are they now.
They are the bad motives of a wounded feral animal, a motherless child.
This is 4 year old stuttering, standing in a trailer park, pulling my eyelashes out, me in her face. This is confused 11 year old me trying to get my head around my mothers reappearance into my neighborhood with a 4 year old child by her side who is apparently my sister. A return she made not to come back for me, but to get her other child away from the man who was the monster in all my nightmares for years and years to come. This is 13, 14, and 15 year old me she fed cocaine, weed, acid, and southern comfort to, shouting “look at me” in her face.
I do want attention- hers! I want her to see my words, and read them uninterrupted. I want her to see this through an outsiders eyes, and maybe just for one fucking second she might think to herself “oh what did I do to my baby, I’m so sorry”
And that’s where she got me with this last message. It began “Times change. We begin to realize the mistakes we made.” Of course my heart swelled, my semi conscious state snapped fully awake with the thought, “this is it”. Oh this was something alright, keep reading Dee Dee. She continued…yes, she continued to list MY mistakes is what she did. Mistakes she for the life of her couldn’t seem to understand how I had been forgiven for. Like marrying a man who sexually abused my daughter.
I want to respond with anger, I want to reach across time and space and wring her neck for the things that sentence just made me feel. The anger is what I summon to protect me from the pain that one line inflicts.
Does she or anyone else think I haven’t contemplated this myself? Does she think the fact that history has repeated itself in so many ways has been lost on me? That I too have played my part in the passing down of generational traumas in more ways than one…
Let me be clear, I hide nothing. I own all my sins. And any I glide gently past, even when it feels pertinent to the current content is for one reason and one reason only…Appropriateness to my children’s comfortability, but make no mistake, they are and will always be free to share whatever stories are theirs to tell.
I breathe. I try to stop shaking. I continue to read. The list of my many shortcomings continues until she gets to her “one” mistake. Naming the wrong father, the mistake she believes she remains not forgiven for.
I almost laugh out loud. Oh mom, the irony of this statement, if only you knew.
There is nothing to forgive. When I learned of that, I felt not a single ounce of anger. Amongst the long laundry list of childhood scars I directly attribute to her neglect, rejection, and overall shitty decisions, this is truly, truly not one.
Who am I to judge a teenage girl trying to navigate a difficult situation. I see her. I understand her. Mostly I relate to her.
When I think of her like this the pain dulls. It feels less personal. I take it further as I acknowledge that I’ve been on her side of the fence. I’ve been the emotionally immature parent, with no coping skills, throwing temper tantrums, and aghast that “they”, these beautiful little souls I created, did not understand nor appropriately appreciate the sacrifices I had made or the unfairness I’d been subjected to. My own children have had to bear the burden of a parent who didn’t know how to properly function in a world that overwhelmed them.
I never meant to damage anyone in my path anymore than a storm moving though is doing anything other than being a storm, but thankfully came the day I saw the damage.
It is not her mistakes I can’t forgive, it is her inability to see me. To see the damage. I feel sorry for her, I truly do. Why some days I’m feeling so damn magnanimous that I am overflowing with sympathy for her poor damaged psyche. The emotional, and perhaps physical traumas she must have endured to create such an impervious narcissistic exterior, but I think as I’ve clearly established in this Mother’s Day purge, I’m no saint, and I will continue to protect my peace at all cost.
So there you have it, on this rainy, windy weekend in May where everyone is joyfully celebrating mothers past and present, a weekend where a mother’s lifetime of human flaws are overshadowed by a unique pureness at the very core of their mother’s love, this is my offering to the ones like me.
We are not orphans, we are the rejected. The ones who can gratefully acknowledge all the “like a mother’s love” that saved them through the years. The ones that can find their Mother’s Day joy in being celebrated by the ones who gave them the sacred title of Mother. The ones who push down the thought that on occasion creeps to the surface….The thought, “what is so wrong with me that the woman whose body carried me and brought me into this world, gave me this gift of life, doesn’t feel the invisible tether of a mother to her child?”. We push that thought back down to the dark depth it came from. The place inside us where no matter how much grace we have, the light just doesn’t reach.
Today I feel like honoring that little dark space. It’s part of me, and I accept it. It’s not a betrayal to all that’s good. It just is. And now I need to go make some stronger coffee.
I booked my next spin class before I left the parking lot from the gym where I’d just completed my first in over two years.
Along with live music, extensive traveling, and really any large gatherings, gym time was shut down as well during the Covid pandemic.
Now granted there were options available….I could have Zoomed, You Tubed, or Facebook live’d my workouts….I did not.
So let’s see…What did I do for exercise? Oh yeah, laid on the bow of a boat, took some nature walks, the occasional bike ride (like as in a beach cruiser bike with a basket, not some racer with gears). Yup, that’s about the long and short if it.
Ahhh but then came the day the gyms reopened. You can be sure I got right back in!! Oh wait, no I actually didn’t.
Anybody want to venture a guess as to why I can break a good habit in a heartbeat, but it takes the jaws of life to get me out of a bad habit mode? š¤ Yeah, I have yet to figure that one out.
Ok so here’s the thing, if you know me I’ve probably managed to work into a conversation how I “turned 40 in the best shape of my life”. If you didn’t know that, then let me mention here ….I turned 40 in the best shape of my life!!
I’m obviously very proud of that fact, maybe a little obnoxiously so, but stating that I was “in the best shape of my life” doesn’t mean this is a post about my weight, at least not in the big picture.
Speaking of weight though, I thought I was naturally thin my whole life. Turns out it may have actually been the recreational drug use coupled with the constant state of worry and anxiety I existed in.
Fast forward to kicking some bad habits (definitely not done as easily as I now break those good ones) and adopting some healthier coping mechanisms, and all of a sudden little Mz DeeDee isn’t so naturally thin. I guess happy, joyous, and free living can pack on some pounds. And just when I thought I was living right ….More change necessary, go figure!
Good news though ~ found the trick to being healthy, strong, and fit! Bad news though ~ it’s diet and exercise…As in eat less, move more.
Well like any reasonable 39 year old overweight woman, who wasn’t particularly athletically inclined, and had literally never worked out a day in her life, I started off slow.
Hahaha jk jk, I went straight to a hardcore personal trainer who specialized in some Navy Seal type bootcamp shit, who was known to reduce grown men to tears in a single half hour session.
I showed up that first time looking like the kid who got picked last in gym class (ouch wait, I was the kid who got chosen last in gym class š¦ ok, maybe second or third to last) I had no idea what I was in for.
Let’s fast forward again, this time to ….you guessed it….me turning 40 in the best shape of my life šš½
Now like I said, that’s not meant to just be about my weight ….Yeah I lost weight, but I wasn’t skinny, I was strong. I pushed my body and found out it was capable of things I never would have imagined it was. My mind was clear. My energy through the roof. And damnit I would venture so far as to say that there wasn’t an elementary kickball team captain that wouldn’t have picked me first!! So there!
I have never been in a tax bracket (nor am I now) that would suggest I should have a personal trainer and I worked a whole part time waitressing job just to pay for said trainer. Obviously this couldn’t go on forever. So after a year and a half together, I left him for a moderately priced gym.
He understood. The breakup was amicable, and he will forever hold a special spot in my heart. Since him there’s been many a gym owner and fitness instructors who have encouraged, motivated, and provided great workouts. I appreciate them all.
Let’s be serious though, I will never ever workout as hardcore again as when Mr Push yourself till you puke was yelling over me, but as the last decade rolled by exercise did remain an essential part of my life.
Well, until Covid closed the gyms down that is. And then just like that, fast forward one more time, to that first ride in over two years…
…Ahhh, good as ever. Here’s a sampling of the thoughts that ran through my mind during that first ride:
ā¢ I’m going to pace myself since I haven’t done this in a while
ā¢ Oh man, it’s just like riding a bike (literally-lol)
ā¢ Why do I deny myself this goodness
ā¢ OMG I forgot how good I feel when I feel strong
ā¢ I’ve never felt more beautiful or confident when I’m feeling strong
ā¢ I love it here, everybody is so welcoming and supportive
ā¢ This is like a meditation for me
ā¢ I want to do this everyday
ā¢ I’m never giving up exercise again
ā¢ I’m going to book another class as soon as I get to my car!!
And here’s a few thoughts from that second ride:
ā¢ Ok we’re still pacing ourselves, but that first ride went so well, I can probably push a little harder
ā¢ Hmmm I think these handle bars are a little low, but it does work your abs more if they’re low, I’m sure it’ll be fine
ā¢ We sure are getting in and out of the saddle an awful lot, maybe I should just stay seated…Well everyone else is doing it. I can too!
And now I’m writing this while stinking like Icy Hot and downing ibuprofen š«
I cried to my partner that I smelled like an old person and he said “no honey, you smell like an athlete”.
Some athlete I am.
The Dr (yep I hurt myself bad enough to have to go to a Dr š¤¦š¼āāļø) has assured me I will live to spin again …Probably by next week! I injured my lumbar spine and have been feeling quite sorry for myself.
Can somebody maybe remind me that back when I had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever this summer I felt like I would feel that way forever, but I didn’t?
Yeah, that’s it, remind me that “this too shall pass”!
But will it? Will it ever really be the same again? Is this life over 50? My mind arguing with my body about what we can do until I’m so exhausted I just go take a nap?
Maybe someone could jump in and remind me to stop being such an over dramatic freak. Maybe someone could remind me how old and run down I felt when I was 25 raising 3 babies. Or how I felt at 39 showing up for that first session. There was an entire year between that day and turning 40 in the best shape of my life!
Ok kiddies, what lesson did I learn from this? No, not that I never threw my back out eating ice cream watching Netflix š Maybe like ~ It’s a process ~ Have some humility ~ A step at a time~
All those good things and then some, (including maybe that it’s easier to stay in shape than get in shape, but hey, don’t quit before the miracle happens š)
Well at the end of the day this chick is just over here figuring out how to navigate life over 50. Right now that looks like a little healing, and a little gratitude, cause for whatever challenges come with this new territory….It beats the alternative!
See ya in the gym asap. I’ll be the one working hard and doing my best, but hopefully without hurting myself šŖš¼
I go through this thing every winter for the last few years now where I become fixated on the signs of aging I see on my face.
Winter settles in, as do the deeper lines, and I think to myself maybe it’s time to do something about it. I begin looking into fillers, or maybe even an all out face lift.
Multiple factors keep me from going all the way with this. The cost, the downtime, the fear of a mishap, and maybe worth mentioning, even a little bit of self love.
I cycle through the possibilities and all the factors and eventually before making a firm choice to fill or not to fill, to lift or not to lift, the warmer days arrive chasing away the winter doldrums.
With the changing of the seasons, the warm sun quickly perks me up and while this fair skinned Irish/Welsh girl isn’t an all out tanner, it certainly adds a healthy glow. As the humidity returns it makes for a natural plumping of some of those lines causing me so much concern, and with my pretty blonde beach hair, the memory of my cosmetic woes start to fade.
Now I’m not trying to imply I turn the clock back ten years each summer, just that I give myself over to a vibe that has me not so hung up on changes that naturally happen through the years, and that is made a little easier by the fact that I truly do look (and feel) a little better in a warmer, dew kissed kinda climate āļø
That doesn’t mean the year won’t come that I eventually go for it. I’m teetering on the edge of scheduling an appointment as I write this.
Would it completely break the budget? Not really, but would I need to give up something somewhere else as a trade off? Definitely! Do I want to do it bad enough to do that? Questionable.
Fillers wouldn’t cost me any vaca time so that’s good, but a lift sure would. And boy do I struggle with giving away any of my days to unnecessary, brought about by my own choice, recovery time. Precious moments are slipping away and there’s only so much time off to go around. So there’s that!
Speaking of time slipping away, how pissed off would I be if something went so wrong that I gave up all my time. For what? Tighter skin??
It would suck bad enough if during a potentially life saving medical procedure I was to succumb to the risks of anesthesia, though I would do so peacefully knowing I lived my best life and loved those I love with all the love I had to give.
I might not rest so easy on the other side knowing it was of my own doing
If I weigh out more life to live on one hand vs looking slightly younger on the other …Do they really even compare?
Listen if it happened to Kanye’s (Ye) mom, it could happen to anyone! And don’t talk to me about odds ….I birthed a baby with Down Syndrome at the ripe ol’ age of 19. Look up those odds …
Ok, well nobody’s going to die from some fillers, right? Probably not but they could go horrifically wrong. I’ve seen people with wayyyy deeper pockets than mine have some pretty shitty results, and then again I see plenty of my own friends who seem to have stopped time in its tracks and they look A-MAZING!
So there is that, but we are talking about my fears right now, so yeah….let’s discuss what could be a botched job. I mean it’s my face!! My face for better or worse.
The first thing everyone sees. The face my children know and have watched change through their lifetimes. The face they’ve kissed, the cheeks their little hands have held. It’s the face my lover wakes up to, and kisses good night.
Wrinkles and lines and all, it is a kind face, a soft face, more often than not a smiling face, my face.
I haven’t always spoken so lovingly of my face. I hated it, along with so many other things about myself.
I was a damaged little girl, and grew up to be a broken young woman. I survived abandonment and abuse through my toddler years and even when I was safe, and loved, being kept warm, and fed, and given all I needed to technically thrive, that trauma left its mark. I navigated it my entire life.
One of the deepest scars it left on me was self loathing.
I’m 5 or 6 years old, I catch my reflection in the mirror. I look away quickly. I can not stand to linger on my appearance for too long. I think I’m so hideous. I don’t know how anyone can stand to look at me.
That was my reality then. My reality now? I look at little me. I see this beautiful child with her spray of freckles, and her turned up nose. She is as perfect as any little girl could be. It’s not her fault she wasn’t kept safe.
So yeah, It’s taken me a long time to get here and I’m not so sure I’m willing to risk this face just yet. This isn’t a firm stand, the winds of change may one year blow me over to the other side. Also please know this post musing about the pros and cons has zero judgement on anyone else’s choices.
And let me continue to keep it real by adding I’m not so au naturel as to not continue the posting of pictures taken in good light and with only the very best angles.
Self love and all, I know puny eyelashes and non existent eyebrows when I see them! A good mascara and eyebrow pencil goes a long way š
And let’s not think I’m giving up my blonde crowning glory anytime soon. Gray? Is that a hair color? Never heard of it.
Huge shout out of love to the incredible hair dresser/friends this chicks been blessed with through the years.
I guess that’s that for the time being. I suppose now I’m going to go wash my face, slather on my favorite moisturizing lotion, and own my version of “51” for another day. āš¼
September. Unpausing the pause …..Medication finished for the tick borne illness, baby steps into the sun, still feeling a little dazed and confused from the lingering symptoms, but time to make the grand return to work.
“Work” << that’s the word old me would have normally followed up immediately and with an obnoxious amount of gratitude, with the statement … “I can’t believe I get to roll into one of the most naturally beautiful rustic spots on the North Fork and call it ‘work’!”…However I wasn’t feeling like that as of late.
I was feeling overlooked, undervalued, bogged down with menial tasks, and with all the restructuring happening, like my future there was quite uncertain.
We spend too much of our lives at work to hate it, and I didn’t want to muddle through and just collect a paycheck, so it seemed I had two options…Say f*ck it, and move on. Or show up and put my best foot forward. See what I could bring to the table, instead of just bitching under my breath.
Best foot forward it was and the next thing I knew I was securing a new title, a little mo’ money, and tackling some bigger responsibilities. Feeling challenged and inspired! Good stuff.
This brings me right into to my own personal best of the best….My best day ever! My birthday. Not just my best day of 2021. Not just the best of all my birthdays….The hands down best of all my days so far!
September 30, 2021. The day I turned 51.
Now while I have no doubt there will be many more not just happy, but truly amazing, incredible (a variety of awesome adjectives can be inserted here) days…Buuuut, If that one remains the most blissfully, magically, perfect…I’m ok with it.
Now in regard to birthdays in general, I’m a fan….For starters, they’re good to have! As a matter of fact, the more you have the longer you live! << Def stole that from a quote somewhere!
So what made 9/30/21 so particularly special? It was a day spent in full, from beginning to end, with only my very favorite people.
Kids grow up. Kids move away. Kids live their own lives, which is exactly what you want since you’re the one who encouraged that and hopefully provided a few tools for them to do so. However in those increasingly rare moments when they all gather with you at once, it’s a special kind of energy ….It’s truly pure magic.
That alone could have prompted it to be the best of the best, but there was more.
It was a perfect September day on the North Fork. The sky was bluer, the clouds were whiter, and the wind was perfect for sailing.
And sail through the day we did…Literally and figuratively. Aside from sailing, there was a picnic breakfast, beach combing, dinner out at a favorite local spot, songs sung to me from a stage by my fine singing sailor.
And finally we gathered around the table at 727 for a homemade birthday pecan pumpkin pie prepared by my favorite baker. A baker who puts so much love into every delicious creation she makes. (Watch out world for Tia’s treats, she’s on her way to rock the baking world!)
Ahhh 727….I told you last post they’d be more on 727 later. Our time there was coming to an end. 727 was for sale and in the hot little NoFo market getting it sold wasn’t going to take long.
Now the sale of this long standing family home obviously had a much greater impact on all those who have generational history and a bloodline connection to these walls that have held lifetimes within them.
I’m only here to tell my story though, and after being the self appointed lady of the manor for the previous two years, as we split our time between what we came to jokingly refer to as the country home (Cutchogue) and the city home (727), I felt a loss.
727 was more than a house, and even in its somewhat struggling state of maintenance, it’s beauty revealed itself. The presence of the past almost palpable.
I have lived in many homes through my life. I have left a bit of myself behind in each and taken with me only my own memories. 727 has left a piece of itself within me and I take the memories of many. Memories that have been shared with me through stories I’ve been told, pages I’ve read, maybe some I’ve daydreamed up, as well as my own I was fortunate enough to make there.
And now Schuyler Bogart’s , who built 727, portrait hangs in our hallway. A small framed picture found in the attic graces the wall in our room. It is of Schuyler’s before her time feminist~politically minded~ writer, wife Eva Albertson.
The original lady of the house, who upon learning of I promptly strolled around the corner to the small local cemetery and visited the family plot where I introduced myself to her proper and left behind a delicate shell as a gift.
A painting of 727 done by the most recent lady of the home before me, an incredibly talented artist, who is also my partner’s mother and whose blessings in my sense of 727 ownership meant so much, has a prominent place in our now full time home.
The spirit of 727 remains ours. It always will. It’s ghosts have joined us and they have settled in beautifully. I trust they will remain with us wherever we may go.
Where we (my partner and I) may go waits to be seen….Where we are now is officially full time cohabiting. Supporting each other through trials and tribulations. Creating family memories. And of course loosely plotting a future course. Let’s see what you’ve got in store 2022…
Now that I am shaking off my case of writers block, or returning from sabbatical, however I feel like framing this non writing time frame, I can’t help but feel that one of the biggest missed opportunities is not to have written any type of assessment at all on the changing of the year.
No reflections of the one left behind. No meaningful insights on what was learned.
Not a single mention of hope for the year ahead. No resolutions made.
It’s such a commonplace practice. I’d almost venture to say it’s straight up human nature to pause, reflect, and then go forward stating intentions.
Newspapers everywhere offer “the year in review”. Radio DJ’s play the years top songs. We look back collectively and recall the famous folks who left us. The biggest scandals, etc.
Yet here I am, little miss loves to over-share, gone radio silent.
Nothing.
Crickets.
I suppose I now feel the need to shout out my highlight reel of 21 before I can find my flow in 22. How could I not when in reality, 2021 may have been one of my best years yet!
Not necessarily my most comfortable, not one that found me happy every single day of it, not one that I acted right in without question, and made all good choices, but one that provided a vast amount of growth opportunities.
I left behind 2020 and welcomed 21 on a couch at 727 (My boyfriend’s home. His childhood home. A home I instantly loved and felt connected to when I entered it two years earlier. A home rich in history, occupied by the very best ghosts. << more on 727 later). I sat on the couch with his mom as we streamed music live from New Orleans. Some of my favorite musicians played on stage to an empty venue, but thousands of living rooms.
This was the current normal.
My boyfriend came and went from the room as he happily occupied himself with this and that projects. Uncle Dan occasionally looking up from his book to engage.
Moments to midnight we gathered in one spot, we counted down, and I held hands with my love as we passed through the magic moment that transports us from one year to the next.
The hugs and kisses exchanged, texts sent to those we couldn’t be with, and our well wishes stated for the new year we were now in.
And so began 2021.
Spending the first day of 2021 with the famš¤
As the months rolled on from one into another I did pen my thoughts on stand out moments….Our first road trip of the year, the day after Valentine’s Day loss of my big black cat Massacre, (who ironically was a Valentine’s Day baby) who’d been by my side for 17 years. And one of the most difficult events to process….The loss of our good friend who left us just 3 weeks after an unexpected diagnosis.
My pen also found its way into the past. I shared several memoir style stories. One of which brought my estranged mom out of the woodwork to set the record straight.
Not surprisingly she had a different take on the events. I apparently did not properly appreciate the sacrifice she made for me in revealing that my boyfriend could not be trusted.
For me she suffered through three long days and nights of proving it over, and over, and over again….š <<< I feel the sideways sarcastic smile is the only appropriate way to end that sentence….
Moving away from the sarcastic side of things, it’s worth noting I wasn’t mad when I read what she wrote. My head didn’t explode from the lunacy of her justifications, nor did I feel the need to respond.
I have peace today and she’s just part of my story. I wish her no harm, but I can not let her into this life I’ve worked so hard for.
Some other note worthy progress, or healing style vibes that I recognize as having stemmed from an ability to process things better through the act of writing, is steps taken after my fun little tale of madness and moonlight.
What I shared in that post was not something new, I suffered with erratic behavior for as long as I could remember. Occasionally prone to fits of rage. A default setting of anger when fear or sadness threatened to overtake me.
Having a written record of those feelings poured onto a page was a game changer. I read and reread and thought to myself “do something, you don’t have to live like this”.
So do something I did. With a low dose anti depressant and the help of a good therapist (took me 3 tries to find the right one), it’s been incredible. Not to suggest that change happens in an instant, but many a full moon has come and gone since, doing nothing more than mesmerizing me with its beauty and providing a charge for my crystals.
Half way through the year, half way through the summer, still sad from the losses, dealing with some work life uncertainty, and adjusting to the steps involved with seeking extra help, seems like a good place to pause…Especially since here is exactly where I was actually forced to pause.
My usual summer shenanigans abruptly halted as I dealt with the physical effects of a serious tick borne illness.
What started out as a nice enough year had taken some unexpected turns and I quietly worried about what lay ahead.
Fresh starts, new beginnings, and some tough goodbyes. You’d think that would leave me plenty of stories to tell.
Yet here we are 23 days into the new year and I haven’t written a dang thing. Not that I’d written anything the last few months of 2021 either.
Well at least not here. I’ve written a couple Social Media posts. And while they have been fewer words than I typically leave here, a few have been packed with a whole lot of feeling. I suppose it’s been the best I’ve been capable of.
Such complex thoughts dancing though my mind. So hard to slow them down enough to catch them, organize them, and record them.
Then there’s appropriateness, as many of these stories I yearn to tell have such overwhelmingly bigger implications.
Moving on from what I can not share for one reason or another, there have also been many writing worthy topics having come and gone, that had I just slowed myself down enough I could have framed in proper form to share.
What has held me back?
I ask myself that obviously, I do not pose this question to whoever may be reading these words currently. If anybody is.
I guess like anything else, the less I do it the harder it becomes. I had developed a flow and my little blog had gained some momentum.
Now I struggle with feeling silly. Like why write what I want to write here..Does it have any value? Will it mean a single thing to a single person? Why am I driven to express myself with the written word when nobody has asked me to do so?
I’m back to feeling like I’m talking to myself.
Quiet down ego. Who cares who reads it. It’s not about that. Trust the process Dee Dee and get back to doing what feels right.
Write.
Note to self ~ Tell your stories. The silly ones. The scary ones. The deep ones. The ones that are yours to tell.
I have been MIA on my little blogging site here for a minute and for various reasons.
The number one being this summer did not look exactly how I envisioned it, but then again, things rarely do. Life happens << I have no doubt I’ve started off other ramblings with exactly that phrase. Tends to be life’s MO.
I basically imagined this, over too damn quick summer, would look very much like the one before…Lots of time on the water. Maybe a few day trips and some nearby overnights. The usual beach days and Sunday family dinners.
And I assumed I’d have plenty of post inspiring thoughts.
July seemed to be cooperating with that plan. Hard stop.
What August brought was the month in bed, in a dark room, ac cranked up, and binges of the most shameful reality television. Pretty much the ENTIRE month…
Nope, not Covid….wait for it ….Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever! Who the heck gets Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever on Long Island?! Me.
I despise ticks. Not a purpose in the world for them. Ok not true according to a 2019 article in ‘Sciencing’…..”These tiny pests aren’t without purpose, however. They benefit the moist, dark ecosystems in which they live by serving as a food source for many reptiles, birds and amphibians. They also help control wild animal populations. Scientists even use them as an indicator of an ecosystem’s overall health and stability.”.
So there you have it, I guess the little bloodsuckers do have their reason for existence, but it doesn’t make me like them any better.
As a nature girl who can typically be found roaming through wooded trails on any given day, I am quite diligent about looking for, and plucking off this particular parasite. Well this past July 14th I missed one.
By the end of July I was struggling with severe headaches, my vision was blurry, and I was so tired all the time. On August 6th the headache pain became so intense I couldn’t take the the light, nor could I stand up on my own. I couldn’t focus on anything and I was experiencing legit mental confusion. Then these continues sharp pains began to spread across my abdomen. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I just knew something was.
I asked for an ambulance (was hoping for a soft stretcher and some immediate fluids)….What I got was a two man, one on each arm, escort to the car with my Huckleberry Finn partner making a mad dash to the ER as I lay curled up in the passenger seat I’d been deposited in, all the while moaning in misery and with a sweatshirt over my head to keep me submersed in darkness.
Good times, and once there things became even more fun….When an ambulance brings you into the ER you slide right on in the back door…Not so much when you walk (or are carried) through the front door.
Fast forward to two hours or so later…
Triage nurse: “have you always had migraines”
Me: “this isn’t a migraine, I have sharp stomach pains too”
Triage nurse: “sometimes you can get a sore stomach with a migraine”
Me: “they’re sharp pains not sore”
Triage nurse writes down “sore stomach”
Me: lays on stretcher/chair contraption in hallway with blanket over head and hears nurse tell dr “she has a migraine”
Dr (who hasn’t even looked at me): “well treat for a migraine”
I interrupt this dialogue to share with you that the standard ER treatment for a migraine is apparently an intravenous “cocktail” of Benadryl, an anti-nausea, and Tylenol.
I recall the nurse saying ” this may make you feel a little heady” ….”heady??”…Haha, then the dancing colors came.
I made the most of this freebie high until slipping into a comatose style sleep from which I awoke two or three hours later.
Still in the hallway I groggily raised my head as a dr approached me asking if I felt better in a far too jovial manner. I nodded yes to the best of my ability (being discharged my only goal), to which he responded “oh good, then it was just a migraine”.
“Ahhh, yes….a migraine ….of course it was, and it’s much better now.”, as a nurse half drags me to my in the parking lot waiting partner.
“Umm, are you sure she should leave?” he questions. The nurse shrugs, I crawl in the car and put the sweatshirt back over my face.
In all fairness I hadn’t told them I was bitten by a tick, at that point I hadn’t even remembered it yet. I did recall it though when following up with my family physician.
It stood out due to a clear memory of feeling it in the evening as I put my hand on my neck while driving. I thought the raised spot I was feeling was a mole, or “beauty mark” as I prefer to say.
In the morning I absentmindedly itched the same spot when suddenly struck with the thought “I don’t have a beauty mark there”.
A quick trip to the mirror confirmed it was a bloated well fed creepy crawler who was hanging out on me like I was an all you could eat (drink) buffet. Ugh.
How do I recall weeks later that it was specifically on July 14th you ask…I didn’t until I was looking at pictures a friend sent over that she had snapped of my partner and I sailing past her boat, and low and behold I spotted the “beauty mark” spec on my neck.
Zooming in confirmed it indeed had legs š¦
So there you have it, an exact time line. I assumed it would be lymes, I had it before, though I hadn’t been anywhere near as sick as I was at present. And then the tick panel (which apparently lit up like a Christmas tree revealing past tick borne illnesses as well as present) confirmed it was actually Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (<<< No matter how many times I say (type) that it still makes me start singing John Denver in my head) that had me so down for the count.
This turned out not to be one of those instances where 24 hours into beginning a course of antibiotics, even though you had many more necessary doses, you felt better already.
Just the opposite, the doxycycline kicked my butt!
I could quite literally feel my skin burning with any exposure to the sunlight. I remained fatigued and a little confused, the headache’s continuing to come and go.
Finally the treatment finished, sick time that ate into vacation time, and nothing left to do but go back to work.
And there I am still not 100%!
Now looking back it only took two/three weeks to build my energy back up, but in my dramatic mind it stretched on forever.
If I pushed hard through two days, and by pushed hard I mean work a full day and meet a couple other of the days obligations, I would hit a wall and be done.
The kind of done where you can’t muster up any more energy to do another single thing no matter how much will power you think you have.
Summer was on a fast track collision course with Fall and I was turning down social invites left and right.
My body supported these decisions but my mind was all like “woah girl, what are you thinking? Summertime is slipping away”.
Then my mind decided to really mess with me…Not so bad at first ….’Maybe you’re just so settled into your relationship and content that socializing doesn’t hold the same appeal’, ‘maybe you’re still readjusting from a pandemic that technically isn’t even actually over yet’…..then shit got mean….’maybe you’re just not that fun anymore, maybe you’re old’. ‘Maybe this is you forever now’.
Yup I just took it there in zero to sixty….
Way to fill my days and head with anxiety! Luckily I remembered (or maybe it’s that I keep people around me who remind me) to bring it back to the moment.
And so I did. And in that moment what I needed was to listen to my body. To breathe. To focus while at work. To not take on too much outside of work. To go to sleep early. To eat well. To embrace the quiet, still moments that my body and mind needed. And to have a little faith….Faith that just because it’s this way today doesn’t mean it’ll be this way tomorrow.
Then came the tomorrow where it wasn’t like the day before, and instead of going straight home from work, I met a friend at open mic for a bite to eat and some music.
The following evening was Friday and I went to another friends house and binged a few catch up episodes of a show we always traditionally watched together.
Saturday night rolled around and one of my girls scooped me up after work and we went to the Riverhead Races….Ahhh, I’m back.
I feel like me again. I’m grateful for this shift and I do realize now that in the big picture it was a just a moment in time that it took for these events to transpire, though when I was in it I was certain it was stretching on endlessly.
There are lessons in this as there are lessons in most everything if I look for them.
As I had been pushing back against what was physically happening with me, it created debilitating anxiety that stole my peace of mind and left me mourning all I was missing out on.
The moments where I leaned into it and rode it out, I relaxed and appreciated what joys were being afforded to me at present.
Our last July night sail before I got sick, I recall taking in the sounds and sights I was experiencing in my surroundings and feeling grateful for, such as the ferry crossing back and forth, the wind carrying the sound of laughter from 5th street beach. Phosphorescence streaking the inky black water as our boat swiftly glides across it.
Granted my earlier compilation of August sights and sounds consisting of the darkened room, the chilly ac, the incredibly bad acting and mind numbing entertainment of what is deemed “reality television” (which I can frequently be quoted as deeming “the downfall of society”, does not sound quite as magical and romantic as that July night.
However it does all hold a peaceful reprieve for what was happening and when I’m not being a willful brat, it inspires gratitude just the same.
And truly the list of comforts afforded to me go on; Family and friends who care. A partner who met all my needs when I was a miserable ungrateful mess, a dr I trust, modern medicine, health insurance to pay for said dr’n & medicatin’, a job that pays me for being home sick, and maybe most importantly not to take for granted…An immune system that kicks in and kicks butt to support a body that heals and a mind that clears.
So there it is, my summer wrap up. I didn’t get what I expected, but I got exactly what I needed.
Finally my face in the sun againāļø
Final note~cheers to a Fall that has started out and is turning out to be better than I dared hope for…For today, I got nothin’ but gratitude and if tomorrow doesn’t go as planned…well, ahh who am I kidding, I’ll still probably try to swim against the tide until I exhaust myself and decide to go with the current ….Air hugs & salty kisses to ya XO
I didn’t always love boats. Just the opposite really…For a long time I hated them! Well maybe not them, but certainly the feelings they evoked.
My very first boating experience was with a group of drunken adults, who even at my tender toddler age I knew were not fit to be keeping me safe.
Perhaps I knew this because I knew I’d been snatched from my Levittown home with promises of a Disney visit that never came to be.
Perhaps I’d seen the combination of fear and sadness in my grandmother and great grandmother’s eyes as they stood on the curb waving goodbye. Smaller and smaller they grew as the rust colored car driven by my mother’s schizophrenic drug addicted partner drove me to the Virginia trailer park I’d soon be forced to call home.
Perhaps I was just a hyper aware child with some damn good instincts.
Whatever the case may be I have a vivid memory of being on a boat with previously stated group of adults. In my memory they had first been water skiing and then anchored as they chatted and drank.
In my minds eye I can see small me. I’m nervous. I always recall myself as a nervous child and this may be where it began. I am surrounded by water, the adults are loud, and the boat feels too small for how many people are on it. I am afraid I’ll fall off and foolishly I express this concern out loud.
My step father, who is the loudest, ridicules me for being afraid. He then picks me up and tosses me over the side of the boat.
I experience absolute terror. I’m going to die. The adults on the boat are yelling something to me between their fits of laughter.
“You’re floating, you’re floating” they say. I am in a life jacket. I am floating. The water is actually quite shallow. Someone hops in and scoops me out.
I never want to be on a boat again.
I’m a teenager when this memory comes to me. Have I imagined this? Did it really happen? I’m uncertain, but it is real enough that it paralyzes me as I go to step on the boat I was about to board.
I become irrational and refuse to join my friends. I leave.
This is not my first time on a boat in my young life since my Virginia years. Just the first time that trigged a trauma.
Amongst one of my fondest childhood memories is the time I was part of a whale watching excursion. I was perhaps 11 or 12 and with a youth group. It, the boat/the experience, felt big and safe. The majestic whales I saw that day were nothing short of awe inspiring. That particular memory on the water also left a lasting impression.
I suppose it didn’t hold the same similarities of company and circumstance that stepping on a smaller boat with a handful of partying friends did.
Dueling memories, a draw and a fear.
A lover of being at the sea does not necessarily translate to being a lover of being on the sea, but overall a lover of the sea I was (am). I couldn’t change that if I wanted to. I wasn’t planning to miss out on boating fun for all my days, so as I did with most of my traumas, I pushed it aside, or down, or just closed my eyes tight when it made its way in front of me.
Now I don’t mean to send the message that ignoring trauma and just pushing through works, but in this case that’s exactly kinda my experience š¤·āāļø
Ok maybe that’s not entirely true….Just maybe it had something to do with other work I was doing in other areas of my life and it was my good fortune that it spilled healing into my life in ways I didn’t even realize.
Small power boats, kayaks, paddle boards…What began as forced white knuckle experiences, eventually became a source of peace and enjoyment. How grateful I am for this.
Slightly ironic that as this ease with being on the water developed and grew stronger, with no previous experience I would somehow land at a marina and call it “work”. It’s been a decade now surrounded by boats and boaters. A whole world that had been tainted, now embraced.
July 2019 I accepted my first sailboat invite. Just myself and Michele, who captained the 26′ sloop, set sail one late afternoon.
We motored out of the marina and once in the bay raised the sails. As Captain Rosie turned off the engine, she insisted I take hold of the tiller.
July 2019
That July afternoon, with the only audible sounds being the splash of water against the hull and the whisper of the wind that filled our sails, something inside me was fixed in a way it had never been before.
I felt it happen. I felt whole.
Falling under the category of “there are no coincidences”, this meaningful day corresponded closely with the first time my then acquaintance, now life partner, reached out via insta message to strike up a conversation.
With no idea what the future would hold for us, it seemed more than fitting to have him to confide in about what I’d just experienced. He understood.
He is a sailor. A sailor in every sense of the word. He has seawater in his veins and how appropriate he should sail into my life just then.
A few short months later after our relationship had transitioned from friendship to romance, I found us a “free boat”!
Now fellow boaters don’t roll your eyes. We all know about “free boats”….This was different…The lady offering was lovely and genuinely looking to freely pass along a well loved (and well cared for) daysailer. As I heard her describe the boat, I knew…I knew she was meant to be ours.
My partner responded much the way I expected he would when the words “free” and “boat” were spoken together, but I insisted we take a look and he agreed we would.
And that’s how we came to jointly own our sweet Rosie. Rosie, a 22′ Pearson Ensign who has a presence and personality all her own. So much so that I’m struggling to resist the urge to venture off into a side story about her name.
I won’t do it! I’ll stay on track and stick to the actual sailing. And sail her we did ….All last summer and well into the fall. While technically a daysailer, that didn’t stop us from dropping anchor and cozying up her little cuddy cabin for overnights.
I’m not going to lie, my partner and I can be a bit of a disaster on land ….We have big messy lives and at times it all seems quite chaotic…out on the water….it’s a whole different story. It’s a true reprieve.
I won’t try and convince y’all I’m some natural sailor who instantly tapped into a previously unseen ability. I have so much to learn, but little by little my understanding of sailing grows. I do not take for granted the confident teacher I have found in my partner and I take full advantage of trusting his skill and knowledge.
As fate would have it a bigger boat was in our future for this summer. The “Deanna Rose” was acquired in a similar fashion and also came to us well loved and cared for. She feels like home.
Ahhh it all sounds so charmed and perfect, but as I’ve already eluded to though we may sail smoothly when actually out on the water, our metaphorical seas have been rough as of lately. Not in relationship to our commitment to “us” per se, just so much change inspiring fear of the unknown.
I suppose with this little sail down memory lane it’s a fine reminder that for one…I am so grateful he and I are in the same boat, and secondly….should we get tossed out for any reason ….no worries….we’ll float.
Some teenage girls have best friends and cliques. I had accomplices.
Amanda, was one of my steadfast teen partners in crime. She and I covered a lot of ground in the years we ran together.
At any given moment we found ourselves on one end of Long Island or the other and anywhere in between, or in the city, and on various occasions out of state. It seemed we were on a quest for constant entertainment.
During the timespan of our juvenile misadventures we did occasionally split up when the situation warranted. However times apart were rare and usually didnāt last very long.
On one such occasion, I found myself in Kings Park. I was crashing there with my latest love, a sweet, but stereotypical Italian boy named John Giovanni.
Amanda, already having moved on from the roommate she had been head over heels for just weeks earlier, was staying in Huntington with some guy I didnāt know.
Early one morning after a heated exchange with John Giovanni I decided it was time for Amanda and I to regroup. A change of scenery was definitely in order.
Once he left for work I gathered a few of my things together and had a friend give me a ride to Amanda’s present location.
We mutually agreed on a road trip and in the spirit of go big or go home (going home not actually being considered) we concocted a plan to hitchhike across country. California seemed a fine goal for a final destination.
It was a warm day in late summer and we set out dressed comfortably in shorts, tee shirts, and sneakers. With us, a packed duffle bag holding the basic essential items…In our world that consisted of a couple pairs of sweatpants, a club outfit with the appropriate high heels for each of us, a hairbrush, some cosmetics, and a stolen gun.
Not being completely irresponsible, we thought it best to let someone we trusted know of our plans. Next stop, Joe and Timmy’s place.
Upon arriving there we found Timmy home alone. We confided in him our travel plans and while he expressed some minimal concern he thought overall it sounded pretty cool. As a caring gesture he gifted us a tiny bible he had received during one of his many incarcerations.
We gratefully accepted it, said our goodbyes and began walking toward the entrance ramp to the Long Island Expressway, armed with high heels, a gun, and a bible.
A box truck occupied by a couple of good natured delivery guys promptly offered us a ride. We happily accepted.
We squeezed in with them and they let us know they could take us as far as the Jersey Turnpike. The two-hour trip was filled with music and laughter. Good luck wishes and goodbyes were quickly exchanged as we hopped out at the toll booth.
Upon learning you are not allowed to pass through a toll booth on foot (learned that one the hard way) we quickly approached a car with a single middle aged man and asked if he could drive us through. He said he wasnāt going far and looked at us a little suspiciously. We promised to exit his vehicle promptly on the other side and though he still didnāt seem particularly sold on the idea we decided not to give him too much time to overthink it and we just jumped right in!
He drove us through and we kept our promise to not overstay our welcome. So here we were now, several hours after the idea of this journey had been born, all stemming from my morning disagreement with John Giovanni…
The sun began to set while we casually walked on the side of a major highway with our thumbs out. As the miles grew longer between us and our hometown, I briefly allowed myself to wonder if this had been a good idea.
My thought was interrupted as a car abruptly pulled to the side. A young guy jumped out of the passenger side with an air of authority and proceeded to chastise us for hitchhiking on the Jersey Turnpike, “in the dark no less”.
As he shouted at us the way a concerned father may have, with the question āare you crazy?ā followed by the command āget in the carā, we obeyed with heads hung low in response to being caught doing something so clearly questionable.
Once safely in the back seat we explained our plans and could see they clearly thought we actually were crazy. We could see this because they said “you’re crazy”. While they were unable to convince us to abandon our mission entirely, they did manage to talk us into delaying it until morning.
They were local jersey boys and one had a mom who worked nights leaving him with his family home to himself. It was decided we would crash there, but not before changing clothes and checking out the local club scene. Knew we’d need those high heels.
The time frame was small between returning from the club to when we needed to vacate the premises in order to avoid a run in with mom. Enough for maybe two hours or so of alcohol induced unconsciousness, followed by quick showers.
Our new friends had agreed to drive us as far as the Delaware state line. They kept their promise and back in our sneakers, with sunglasses in place, we headed out into the brightness and continued the journey we had embarked on 24 hours and two states ago.
Thumbs once again extended, we walked at a slow pace southbound on the I-95. Only a short time later an 18 wheeler slowed as it drove past us. Eventually it came to a stop on the side of the road. Blonde ponytails bouncing, we broke into a slow run.
With wide smiles we approached the passenger side door of the massive truck. A young boy of no more than 15 opened it and hopped out to let us climb into the back of the cab…which was actually a bed.
This might have been cause for alarm, but it looked dark and comfortable and considering the driver of this particular rig turned out to be the young boys, very sweet seeming, grandfather, we felt comfortable in the assumption we had scored ourselves just about the safest ride on the highway.
We kicked off our shoes and sat cross legged on the bed as we excitedly told our ride we were heading all the way to California and weād gratefully stay with them for as far as they were going in that direction.
Grandpa and his grandson exchanged glances and with a chuckle grandpa informed us we were on the wrong route. Apparently we had never thought to consult an actual map and something had put it in our heads that the I-95 was the way to go. We were mistaken.
This called for a quick reassessment of our plans since we were now in a vehicle that was actually Florida bound. It didnāt take us long to conclude that the simplest solution would be to change course.
We thought of a good friend Lenny, who had recently moved down to Raleigh, North Carolina. We had a phone number for him and decided a surprise visit was as good a plan as any.
Our trucker buddies were more than happy to have our company for the five or six- hour drive to the Raleigh exit.
As the miles rolled by we took naps, watched tv, conversed about the trucker lifestyle, and were treated to a greasy meal at a truck stop.
Having arrived at our newly planned destination and grateful for the time we shared with these two sweet generations of men, we sincerely thanked them as they safely deposited us back onto the highway.
We walked the actual exit ramp and found our next ride in the form of a compact car driven by a teenage girl.
Amanda took the backseat and as I entered the front, the driver while reaching under her seat to briefly expose a gun that was safely tucked away, said sweetly in a thick southern drawl ānow I wonāt have any problems with you gals, will I?ā We assured her she wouldnāt and let her know we were traveling with our own protection as a precautionary tactic as well.
We told her we didnāt know exactly where we were going, but we had a phone number to a house somewhere in Raleigh and if we could just get to town and a payphone we could handle it from there.
She not only obliged in getting us to a local payphone, but then provided us with the necessary change to make our call.
Lenny got on the phone with excitement in his voice when it was passed to him and he was told it was āDeanna from NYā. His excitement turned briefly to disbelief and then back to excitement when I informed him I was with Amanda and calling from a local stripmall.
After describing the surrounding storefronts it was determined that as luck would have it we were actually right around the corner from the house he was currently staying in!
In a borrowed car Lenny pulled up to us just minutes after hanging up the phone. He looked the same as the last time Iād seen him in NY, which was pretty much the same as the first time Iād laid eyes on him one summer day four years earlier.
I was crazy about Lenny from that first moment. I had been hopeful he felt the same way about me and had invited him to a get together at my momās. He was about four or five years older than me and ended up hooking up with my momās friend instead. I was bummed, but we stayed friends. Eventually a year or two later we had our romantic connection, but like most of my relationships the fantasy didnāt match the reality and I lost interest quickly. Still he held a special spot when it came to being a friend.
If memory serves me correctly I think he may have had some involvement of the on again/off again variety with Amanda as well. The lines were frequently blurred during those crazy years.
He exited the car quickly and swept me up into a tight embrace. I looked up at him and pushed his long hair out of his sleepy brown eyes. He offered me a crooked smile as he shook his head at our surprise appearance. He greeted Amanda affectionately as well and off we went.
It took me by surprise to learn the house Lenny was staying at was actually pretty much a drug den filled with skinheads. Not so much the drug den part, but definitely the skinhead factor.
I was fairly certain it was out of necessity for a safe place to lay low since I believed it was more than likely a legal situation that had inspired Lenny’s desire to relocate out of NY.
Whatever the views of these housemates, they were certainly welcoming enough to two little *blonde white girls and considering there was at least a dozen of both males and females in various areas of the house, I was not about to vocalize my judgement.
Not until later that was. After feeding us, allowing us to take showers, and sharing their drugs and alcohol freely, they set us up in the basement with makeshift beds alongside Lenny’s.
***Hindsight affords me the opportunity to see how this was a clear example of white privilege in action. I’m not proud of my willingness that evening to blend into what looked like a scene from the set of American History X, but I’ll leave that acknowledgment here and continue on with the story.
Once the three of us had a chance to talk alone amongst ourselves I had to ask him āwhat the fuck are you thinking Lenny?ā, āI know, I know, itās not like I want to be hereā he answered. We conceded that accepting their hospitality was a means to an end and we had no other current option. Or did we….
As we sat there catching up we told Lenny of our original plans for California. Lenny thought we should get back to that course of action and said heād love to come along. He was welcome company, the only problem was how much more difficult getting rides would be having a 6ā something, hippie looking dude in tow.
This could of course easily be resolved if we had access to a vehicle. As luck would have it, Amanda and I were no strangers to the act of “borrowing” vehicles without permission.
The basement had bilco doors leading to the open yard on a corner lot and right outside those doors just so happened to be the car Lenny had scooped us up in only a few hours earlier. With soft voices, a plan was formed.
We tasked Lenny with the job of going upstairs and lifting the keys. He accomplished this easily.
Meanwhile having done his laundry earlier that day without the convenience of a dryer, his clothes were strewn on a clothing line stretched across the basement. We began to pull everything down and hastily shoved it in his bag.
We rolled up a blanket to bring now that we had the luxury of a car and had everything just about ready to go when we heard the door at the top of the stairs open. We quickly sat on the ground and tried to act normal, my heart racing at the thought they had discovered the missing keys. Frantically I also realized where earlier there had been our belongings spread around casually, everything was now piled up ready to be carried out. Surely we had been caught.
As Brian, who turned out to be the last guy awake in the house, came down the stairs I concentrated on suppressing my laughter. With the combination of being stoned and having a long history of an inappropriate nervous laughter habit, I wasnāt a hundred percent successful at accomplishing that.
I was pretty certain that my inability to contain myself in what could potentially be a dangerous situation would seal our fates, however that didnāt turn out to be the case.
As he stood in front of us awkwardly trying to make conversation and clearly unaware of how we had just sat down as quickly as if the music had suddenly stopped during a game of musical chairs, I began to realize he was down here in the hopes of finding out which one of us was āwithā Lenny and to perhaps score some alone time with whoever that left available. He gave up relatively easy and excused himself to go to bed.
We waited for what seemed like forever and eventually worked up our courage enough to climb up the basement steps and cautiously open the bilco doors. The only sound was the rhythmic chirping of crickets as moonlight lit up our path from the doors to the car.
We quickly and more than likely not as quietly as one really should be under the circumstances, made our way.
With stifled giggles we shoved our belongings in, shifted the car into neutral and pushed it off the property. The car was small and light and with one of us steering this was easy to do.
When we considered ourselves a reasonably safe distance, we jumped in, started her up, and took off, finally allowing ourselves to erupt in laughter.
The next several days were spent doing our best to stick to a plan. However, we were easily thrown off course many times by various factors.
The first being we drove straight into a hurricane. Still not having consulted a map, we also neglected to glance at a weather forecast. We drove along on a mostly abandoned stretch of highway as sideways sheets of rain made seeing the road ahead of us challenging and high winds threatened to push our tiny vehicle across the empty lanes.
We occasionally passed a tractor trailer pulled to the side for safety which made us laugh defiantly about how we refused to stop. Stop we eventually did though when it became completely impossible to see and we then spent the rest of the storm sleeping in the car, completely oblivious of how dangerous our actions actually were.
Eventually the rain and wind ceased and the sun began to shine once again. The good weather proved to delay our travels just as easily as the bad.
We had made it as far as Georgia, although had we ever looked at that map we would have known we shouldnāt be in Georgia, but we decided it seemed like a fun place to stop and get some food and stretch our legs.
We ventured far enough off the highway that we found a town with a huge park. While there were beautiful stately homes on one side of the park, on the other was a more familiar element.
Not surprisingly we somehow managed to make new friends. One in particular was a young blonde haired, blue eyed hustler. He was pure southern charm and I enjoyed his company immediately.
We lost track of time as we partied the day away with our sweet new friend and as darkness chased away the bright sun that had made it so tempting to delay our travel we began to think about our destination once again.
As we discussed our plans in the company of the beautiful, young boy from Georgia, he chimed in with āIf Yāall would be willing to go through Tennessee to make ya way to California I have a uncle there I wouldnāt mind getting a ride to, you know, if yāall got room for one moreā.ā We all agreed easily and I was particularly happy to be keeping him around a little longer.
We did a quick assessment of our funds between all of us and realized they were dangerously low. Amanda and I decided the best bet would be to sell the gun we had in our possession.
Georgia boy seemed like a capable candidate to facilitate a transaction like that and readily accepted the challenge. He brought me and the gun along with him as we went walking across town to where he felt he could best accomplish the necessary task. He was a seasoned street kid and pulled this off with ease. Less than an hour later we were walking back to where we left Lenny and Amanda, with cash in hand. Once again under the cover of darkness we hit the road.
I relinquished the front seat and climbed in the back with our newly added fourth. We drove a few hours until the days partying caught up to us and we all realized we were exhausted so we pulled over. Curled up on Georgia with his arms protectively around me I slept blissfully until the rising sun flooded the car with light. I buried my face against his chest to stay in the darkness, but Lenny was already up and ready to get back to driving.
My time with Georgia was growing short and I was going to miss him. It was a short drive off the beaten path to where we were leaving my almost lover. We stayed long enough for some breakfast and to freshen up, but my traveling companions were anxious to hit the road. He discussed route options with Lenny and we felt like we had the general direction down. Him and I said a playful goodbye and I climbed into what now felt like a lonely backseat.
The novelty of our road trip began to wear off for me as I got my period. Amanda and I ran into a gas station convenience store somewhere in Alabama to get tampons and food, as Lenny filled the car with gas. Needing a bathroom, I wandered into the attached garage and asked four old timers sitting around a table playing cards if I could use one.
My thick New York accent seemed to immediately set them on edge as one responded in an equally as thick southern drawl āwell that all depends on how long yāall are staying around these parts, if ya just passinā through ya go ahead now and then be on yer wayā. I assured him and the rest of these good olā southern boys sitting there behind a cloud of smoke that indeed we would promptly be on our way as I headed nervously in the direction he pointed me.
It didnāt take long for us to run out of money and it had been a while since we showered. The car was beginning to seem too confined and I was growing tired of Amanda and Lenny’s company, as I’m sure they were growing equally tired of each other’s and mine.
We continued to wing it direction wise and wound up driving through Mississippi and eventually hit Texas where we stopped to get our bearings.
While there I decided to call home. My grandmother answered and accepted my collect call. By this time, she had heard from the police, as it turned out the car had been reported stolen. With Lenny’s full name and mine and Amanda’s first, the police were able to identify us with minimal investigation.
Grammie said there was an APB out on us and we would be arrested if pulled over so I should come home. She offered to fly me home, but refused to wire me money just to further fund my trip. Not feeling ready to so blatantly abandon my friends I thanked her, but refused her offer for help and assured her Iād be fine.
Next I called my father, however that turned out to be pointless. He flat out refused to donate to this little escapade at all so I thanked him for nothing and hung up.
I hesitated as I went to walk away and then turned back around once again reaching for the payphone. I dialed 0 and another number, after a few rings Tony, John Giovanniās roommate answered. He accepted the charges and passed the phone off to John.
“Where the hell have you been?ā he shouted into the receiver, āyour grandmother wonāt tell me anythingā, āyou pissed me off and I decided to go to Californiaā I responded in a matter of fact tone.
He didnāt believe me at first when I told him I was calling from Texas. I understood why considering it was less than a week ago I was laying in his bed. I told him heād believe me when he got his phone bill and left it at that.
His voice softened as he let me know he missed me and that after not being able to find me he realized he may even love me.
Not that I even remotely loved John Giovanni, but my need to be loved responded swiftly to his declaration. I promised him Iād figure out a way to get back before hanging up. I immediately began to formulate a plan as to how I could manipulate the current situation to suit my own needs.
As I approached my friends who were casually leaning against our stolen car I said “Bad news, I just hung up with my grandmother and she says the cops know who we are” <<< that was true. “I think they know we’re heading to Florida or California” I added <<< maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.
We stood there contemplating what this meant for us as it registered we had done something we could actually go to jail for.
I quickly offered a solution…”I think we should turn around and head back to NY, nobody expects us to do thatā. And then just like that our California destination was replaced with a return trip home.
We began to drive for longer stretches, stopping only when it was necessary to panhandle for gas money. We went through fast food drive ins close to closing time and begged for leftover food. We stopped in churches during the day to ask for money or food.
We survived day to day and kept driving. There was nothing glamorous about our north east travels and with no more romantic excursions in sight I had only one goal, to get back to Kings Park NY and the Italian boy who might love me.
We arrived in the evening to a full blown party under way, which was pretty typical. The crowd was aware of our excursions and it had us operating at celebrity status.
We entertained everybody with stories and I lost track of my partners in crime as I ended up back upstairs in John Giovanniās room for the night.
Lenny had a plan to drive to a cousinās house in PA and ditch the car at some point. He never made it. He got picked up along the way and a string of charges caught up to him. Living by the code of honor among thieves and not being a rat, he took the whole fall leaving Amanda and I completely absolved.
We would go on to not have a bit of repercussion from our cross country venture and to this day I am still not fully able to conjure up an image of the last time I saw Lenny. It’s as if he just faded from my sight and was gone from my world for good.
In, what is more than likely not surprising news, It turned out having John Giovanniās love didnāt fulfill me the way I had hoped it would.
I grew restless quickly and thought it time to leave the house in Kings Park for good. I never knew if I was running from something or setting out in search of something. I just knew I couldn’t stay still for too long.
I scanned the room for any forgotten items and spotted a small red leather bound book on the dresser. I picked it up and ran my finger over the engraved “Holy Bible” on the cover.
I stuck it in my back pocket and closed the door behind me.
But wait did they? None of them drink, and though they certainly had their fair share of comedic times, it’s not a joke ….Let me start again …A writer, a photographer, and a musician spent a beautiful summer sailing through a global pandemic….but wait again, that’s not the beginning of the story, it’s the middle.
The perfectly fun, filled with adventures and laughter, middle…however there was a beginning to this story, and sadly an ending as well.
The photographer arrived on the NoFo scene fresh from Newport Rhode Island ….He was a bit of a Scallywag and the writer had to chase him for payment for the boat he left at her marina. He eventually did come through with the money and sailed away in good standing.
It would be months later when their paths crossed again on local common ground.
If you look up the word “scallywag” you’ll find various spellings and definitions. I use the term in the most loving of ways. I have somewhat of a penchant for cute rascals and find those who are clever but a bit mischievous endearing.
And the photographer was nothing if not clever and a bit mischievous….Yes, he was spiritual and a seeker on a path toward enlightenment, but make no mistake that impish grin and twinkle in his eye wasn’t the inner glow of sainthood.
The writer was in a fairly new relationship with a musician, and no new in town vagabond had anything on this guy. If the photographer was a Scallywag, the musician could be his leader….
While being in a committed relationship is not the ideal time to cultivate a brand new friendship with a member of the opposite sex, the writer was drawn to the photographer in truly the most platonic yet meaningful way. She openly connected with him regardless of popular opinion or protests from her partner.
It was during a brief rough patch in her still young relationship that their friendship was really cemented. He provided not just a distraction from her heartbreak, or an ear to listen and some sage advice, but a true insight and support. He seemed to not only understand her, but also the musician whom he did not yet really know.
It was him who helped her navigate her way through understanding and forgiveness and back to the man who would become her life partner for better or worse.
Now try convincing your newly reunited with boyfriend that your new best friend is a charming guy…And as much as you say “you’ll love him because you have so much in common…he’s smart and funny and a sailor like you” he remains suspect…Ugh, the writer has a predicament!
I suppose some may think her guilty of lies of omission but she continued the nature walks, long talks, and lunch dates. And while she may not have shared the details, she checked her motives and stood her ground that he was a friend she would not relinquish.
And then one day her perseverance paid off. The musician said “I need a hand with this rigging, let’s see if your friend really knows anything” < or something of the sort in that cantankerous kinda way. She shared the photographer’s number and upon the musician’s request the photographer’s afternoon was cleared and by evening the two were fast friends. Kindred spirits it would seem.
Their three way friendship became a smooth circle with no end or beginning.
They sought out monthly full moons to gaze at and photograph, sometimes by sea as they sailed to a nearby lighthouse or by land as they snuck around an old shipyard and watched the moon rise over the fishing boats.
They rode out storms of more than one type together.
There were literal storms, with pouring rain and gale force winds, during which the photographer and musician ran around securing boats, reinforcing docks, and moving fallen trees.
And then there were the life storms, like when the photographer lost his job, which unfortunately included his place to live. Off they went to load up his stuff and move him on in with them.
So that’s that…A writer, a musician, and a photographer cohabitated. They shared secrets and saw each other for who they were the way you only can when you truly drop all pretenses. They supported each other, encouraged each other’s goals (side note~ the photographer was a driving force behind this blog you’re reading) and had nothing but love for each other.
And now since I’ve found my way back to the middle I guess that only leaves the end, but even the end has its own beginning.
Yes they captured perfect moments during moonlit nights, sunset sails, front porch dwelling, and roaming through their tourist town eating ice cream, but there was also the reality that the photographer was a slob of a roommate, the musician was a bit brash, and the writer was, well…let’s just say… moody…
Ahhh life. It ain’t always pretty, and all the moments pass….the good and the bad…And the seasons change.
The fall came and now I remind you that the photographer was a vagabond. The warmer shores down south called him and off he went.
The usual promises were made to keep in touch and return but life happens where you are and people get lost in the distance.
I suppose that could be the end, but there are many kinds of endings. It was the end of the summer. It was the end of their lives being intertwined daily. Though none of them suspected it would ever be “the end” the end…
Winter passed and the photographer’s drifting ways had him drifting back to the New England sailing community he loved.
It was a spring day in May when the writer’s phone rang and she saw the photographer’s number.
It wasn’t the first time they’d spoken, there had been sporadic calls over the course of the months since they’d last seen each other. And as was their norm they never made small talk, they cut right to the chase.
“Your voice sounds funny, do you have a cold?” she asked, to which he responded “no I don’t have a cold, but I do have cancer”.
Oh. Shit.
The typical questions. The answers as best could be provided. The plan made to go to him. The phone hung up. A good cry.
3 weeks. 3 weeks from learning of his illness, to the definitive diagnosis, to “the end”.
Within those 3 weeks the writer, the musician, and the photographer had one more perfect day together.
They looked at the ocean. They walked in the woods. They even climbed a tower. They spoke their words of love for each other. They embraced. They parted ways.
That was the true end of their physical time together. By the following week the photographer had left his body.
Death is funny. It can serve to soften ones imperfections in the memories of those who love them. Typically it brings those people who love them together. Not always.
The thing with free spirited drifters is they’re many things to many people and it tends to be in short but intense bursts of time. Even relationships that wind through the years have huge gaps of time and space.
Who may make sense during one piece of life may not make sense during another and sometimes all these separate lives don’t bode well when they unexpectedly converge.
You can’t get more unexpected than an unexpected passing.
Would the real “read his name here” please stand up?! He can’t ….he is gone …and we are left.
We are left with our grief, our memories, and our idea of who our friend was. Who we had been in relationship to each other, and at times that doesn’t align with the recollections held by another.
So who wins? Who knows him best? Who knows him for real?
Is it those who share blood? Is it those who have known him the longest? Could it be who knew him most recent?
Perhaps it’s all the above. Maybe we need not try and figure it out. Maybe the answer is not to look too deep into who someone was to someone else, but to hold close and cherish who they were in the moments they shared with you.
For all their beautiful moments, the photographer also captured the spaces in between smiles. The musician sang the songs that were sad. And the writer penned the stories without happy endings.
And there you have it, for one perfectly imperfect period in time, a writer, a musician, and a photographer were bound together by their truths.
Squeezing between bodies as I made my way to the back of the bar, I brushed up against a tall lean figure standing with his back to me. He turned in my direction and as I glanced up I found myself locked into the wild eyed stare of an infamous local legend.
I stumbled all over myself in an attempt to make conversation with him as I struggled to regain my composure and be my flirty self.
It was no different than the first time I met him two years earlier at the tender age of 15, time stopped and the only place I wanted to be was where he was.
Playing it cool wasnāt even an option. The physical reaction from being in such close proximity to this man coupled with the knowledge that my best friend who had an on again/off again relationship with him was safely half way across the country, left me helpless from preventing what I inevitably wanted more than anything Iād ever wanted before.
I felt it right away, that Iād be leaving with him. I knew by morningās light Iād know what it felt like not only to be on the back of his bike, but to be in his arms.
I never left his side for the rest of the night, too afraid that any sudden movement could cause a shift in direction. This felt fragile and too delicate to survive if not handled with the most extreme care. I wanted nothing to jar us back into a reality where there was no us.
And then there was an us. I brought him home and he stayed. When he left, I left with him. We rode slow past store fronts and vainly looked at our reflection. Leaning casually back against that high sissy bar was worth every bruise on my spine and the fender of that chopped out panhead, with my legs wrapped around his waist, was my favorite place in the world.
His friends became my friends, and when he spoke of future plans I was in them. We purchased a cheap van together, along with some tie downs for the bike and began making a plan to head out to Colorado.
News eventually got back to my friend and I received an angry call from her. I offered no excuses, just a weak apology. She was pissed, but she seemed to get it. She knew the pull he had.
It made me sad to have betrayed my friend, but if that was the cost of being with him it was worth it. Being with him was everything, and then some, that I had felt that afternoon 13 year old me had her first ride on the back of my uncleās friendās bike, by the end of which I knew I had no use for boys my age and there was nothing like a modern day outlaw…A biker.
So while I may have been honestly sorry to hurt my friend, I was more than willing to do it. It wouldnāt be long however before I felt the bitter sting of betrayal myself.
My own on again off again relationship, the one with my mother, was recently on. She was living nearby to the house I resided in. She had begun to make attempts to get sober and was going to AA on occasion.
She had been in and out of so many detoxes and rehabs. It was a pattern that would continue for years to come. At this point she appeared to be sober and genuinely interested in a relationship with me, and I was in a space where I was feeling grateful to have her in my life.
I was excited when I introduced her to this man, and made no secret of the fact that I was crazy about him and the happiest Iād ever been. I could tell she wasnāt immune to his charms and I loved that he had that effect on everyone, but chose to be with me. I wrapped all my self-value up in that feeling.
āCome on, please. Itāll be fun, and Iāll do our laundry while weāre thereā, I said to him as I snuggled up on him and attempted to fully wake him from his half sleep state. Begrudgingly he gave into me, and I assured my mother we would be there for dinner that evening.
Thatās the memory I would replay in my mind for the next three days. How he didnāt even want to go.
That and especially how he had initially turned her down as we sat around the table, in front of dirty dinner plates, and she asked āIs there any chance you would give me a ride to my AA meeting on your bike?ā.
He hadnāt wanted to, and just like Iād gently persuaded him to join us earlier, I again cooed, āpleeeease, donāt make her take a taxi thereā.
He reluctantly agreed.
As I stood there at the kitchen sink, and heard the loud engine fade into the distance, leaving just the rhythmic noise of the dryer turning in the background, I reveled in the contentment I had found in this simple moment.
The time passed, and he didnāt return. My mind raced with possible explanations, most not good. He was only to drop her off a few blocks away, and then return.
Did they have an accident on the way there? Did he have one after dropping her off? Did she convince him to stay for the meeting? We were all trying to stay straight, perhaps he stayed with the intentions of checking it out and then giving her a ride home? Maybe he saw someone he knew, there or between there and here? Before or after he dropped her off? It was all just speculation.
Questions and guesses floated through my mind, but the one that kept pushing all the others to the side and coming prominently to the front, was the image of them together, together in a way that made me sick to my stomach.
I knew.
I knew the truth and I hated myself for basically orchestrating it. Who did I think I was to trust them?To trust life? To believe I could have both a motherās love and a man I adored…
I was a fool, a fool washing her dishes and doing his laundry.
There are clear moments in time where a divide occurs. A before this event, and an after this event. Iād experienced them before, and I knew this was one. Nothing would be the same, nothing could bring me back to the ābefore this happenedā.
I wanted to die. For the next three days, I basically invited that outcome. I swallowed handfuls of pills that I didnāt even know the names of. I slept drug induced sleeps, and when awake walked around groggily telling anyone whoād listen that my mother and boyfriend had disappeared together. Even through the muted chemical haze, I felt raw and exposed, and lost. So lost.
Then the call came from my roommate ,she called over to the house she knew I was at and told me he was home. She said ācalm down, thereās an explanation, donāt freak outā.
I walked past the bikes parked in front of the house, his amongst them, and angrily threw the door open. Before I could do little else, he was holding me, leading me into our room. Those beautiful brown eyes, filled with shame and regret.
He told me nothing happened between them, to get that thought right out of my head. He said it was just a relapse on drugs. A poorly timed crack binge, and nothing else. We could move past it, we could start over. And then he said āI love youā.
Thatās all he had to say. If he hadnāt said a single other thing, that would have been enough. I believed that he loved me. I had to. I didnāt care if somewhere in me I knew he was lying about my mother. The fact that he cared enough to want me to believe it hadnāt happened was enough.
The fact that he was standing in front of me, shoulders slumped, eyes sad, speaking softly, and professing love, was all more than enough to make everything in my world ok again.
Maybe I had been wrong, maybe this wasnāt a defining moment in time. Perhaps this was nothing more than a blip, a barely remembered rough three days, that would hardly stand out amongst a lifetime of adventures with this beautiful man standing before me.
I suppose it could have gone like that, but nope…not if my mother had her way, and she of course did.
He told me my mother couldnāt go home and was riding with one of the other guys now, and that was fine by me. He said he and his friends had some business to take care of and they would be back shortly to pick us up.
After a lingering kiss goodbye on the lawn, I walked over to the curb my mother was sitting on, and took the spot next to her. The happiness in my heart matched by the rumble felt in my chest from the four or five nearby Harleyās starting up and roaring down the street.
I turned toward my mother, I was smiling, I felt light, but then I recognized the contempt she held for me in her eyes.
It all happened so quickly. Had her words been fists there would have been no time to shield the blows, she verbally lashed out with a devastating speed, and it fell on me as painfully as any physical attack could have been…āare you stupid? Of course we slept together, we fucked the whole timeā…
Stunned, I was crushed by the weight of what she was saying, she continued āthe plan was to come back here and get his stuff, leave together, but then he hits with me that he loves you and wants to stay, tells me to ride with this other guy, fuck himā.
In the moments that followed I felt the familiar disconnect that had always been between us. I was not her daughter, just another player in her story, someone who did her wrong, as so many had in her twisted mind. Once again the world had been unfair to her, denied her, her due share.
She looked old, she was bitter, unwanted, and it stole her beauty right before my eyes. Had I been a stronger woman, I could have felt pity for her, but I wasnāt. I was a 17 year old child, trying to make my way in a grown ups world, completely untethered, and desperate to belong somewhere. I hated her. Iād always hated her for her rejection, she was at the root of every fear I had.
I completely succumbed to the rage rising up inside me, and now before she could shield the blows, I was on top of her, swinging wildly. Telling her with every hit, how pathetic she was.
That evening there was the usual traffic that came with a party house, and either some passerby or perhaps even one of my housemates, was promptly dragging me off of her.
Given the opportunity, she ran for the house, I broke away from the arms struggling to restrain me, and chased her. As more people stepped in, in an attempt to gain control over the situation, she was somewhat shielded behind bodies. I wildly grabbed anything within my reach and threw it in her direction. I didnāt care what I broke, or who I hit. I wanted to hurt her. I desperately wanted her pain to match mine.
Somebody was shouting to āplease stop, we donāt need the cops hereā, and then somebody was screaming at me to take the phone.
It was him on the phone. I donāt know if someone knew where to call him, or if he had just happened to call during that time, but I took the phone, and calmly told him ācome pick up your shit, itāll be on the lawnā. He said ādonāt do that, go wait for me in our room, now put your mother onā.
Without saying a word, I turned toward the corner of the kitchen where she stood protected by strangers and extended the phone in her direction. She took it, put it up to her ear, and before she could get more than a word out, he told her to sit at the kitchen table and not say anything else. He hung up. We both listened.
I laid motionless on the bed we shared. The house remained eerily silent. Eventually I heard the bikes pull up, the front door open, and then there he was, standing in the doorway of our room.
We looked at each other sadly for a moment, he shut the door, and took his place beside me. He held me while I sobbed.
I never wanted to move beyond this room. There in his arms I found the safety I had been looking for. The protection from her that I needed. And he understood.
We eventually spoke, and the only explanation he offered was that she had money to pay for the drugs if heād take her, so off to Brooklyn they went. His official justification for sleeping with her …āit was like something Iād read about in Easy Riderā.
He asked me what he should do about her now, did I want him to go out there and tell her to leave?
I thought about it for a second, looked up at him, and said āshe rides with your friend, letās go tell herā.
āI think I might like to go to Africa on mission somedayā I offhandedly told the surgeon whose mobile surgical ministry my church supported.
āYou should go to a 2nd world country before going to a 3rdā he said. āPerhaps come along to Ecuador in Septemberā he continued. āYes, Iād love toā was my response before I could even process what all it would entail.
I hadnāt left the country since I was 14. I didnāt even have a current passport and September wasnāt far off. I also had an August trip planned with my daughters that would need to be cancelled. I would have to secure time off work, etc.
I hadnāt factored in any of these things yet I was all like āletās goā. Throughout the planning process I came up against more than one stumbling block.
For every hoop I had to jump through to make this adventure a reality I simply reassured myself I would take the next step necessary and if it were meant to work out it would.
I ignored the voice in my head telling me āthis is impossible, you canāt do thisā, and step by step, it did work out.
I learned so many things on that trip, and most of it was lessons about myself. I suppose of the vast amount of take aways from my journey one of the most life changing was this newfound trust in the universe I was cultivating.
When I was younger, as in my teens, I flew without fear. Iām not sure why, when one considers what an anxiety ridden child I was, flying didnāt scare me, but it didnāt. However the first time I flew after having my first child it was a particularly bumpy flight, and with an innocent babe in my arms who I was solely in charge of protecting, I felt vulnerable in a way I never had before. Thatās when the fear crept in.
I continued to fly throughout my life, my need to travel outweighing my nerves, but to say the feeling in the pit of my stomach was unpleasant would be putting it mildly. And that was nothing compared to the places my mind took me as I imagined the scenarios of death and destruction if my plane were to plummet out of the sky.
Until traveling to Ecuador the longest flight Iād endured was NY to Arizona, which I recall actually being an excruciatingly long and turbulent flight. How on earth had I not given a single thought to the sheer amount of hours in the air this upcoming trip would require?
Well, somehow I didnāt and here I am at JFK boarding a flight for my first leg of this trip…NY to Miami was a typical enough experience. Not too horrible.
The layover in Miami included some wrong gate drama, a mad dash through security, and a walk of shame to the very back row of seats as I was the absolute last person to board.
Finally we depart.
I felt my usual unease as the plane continued to climb. And then, somewhere in the sky between Miami and Quito, something changed. Another of those recognizable shifts in perspective I so often share about. A feeling of peace washed over me and replaced the nervousness.
This contentment with my current situation wasnāt that I suddenly felt a guarantee my plane would land safely, it stemmed from the sudden confidence that no matter what should happen, all was well. The universe is always unfolding properly and in the grand scheme of things all will always be well.
It didnāt matter if I was gazing out a window 36,000 feet in the air, sitting at my desk, sleeping in my bed, or crossing a hometown street…I am not in control….There is a driving force to this universe, call it God, call it a divine energy, call āitā whatever you choose, but regardless of names we assign, I personally do believe there is something…
So in my little enlightened aha moment I recognized yet another opportunity to surrender. I surrendered my preconceived notions of safety, I surrendered the fear I held gripped in white knuckles, and as I had experienced in the past, with surrender comes a freedom.
A freedom to live in the moment, to experience it fully in a way you just canāt when worry is stealing pieces from you.
I experienced that on the puddle jumper from Quito to Cuenca. And on the 7 hour bus ride to the remote village where I would spend a week volunteering.
I experienced it walking into a make shift operating room, as well as hiking through the Amazon Jungle, and while gazing up from under an impressive waterfall.
So having unpacked āworryā, I left it behind, and carried my newfound āfaith over fearā mantra home with me like a prized souvenir.
From adventures like tracking down wild horses in the Wild West to roaming solo through new cities, I have kept it with me, and it continues to serve me well.
It allowed me to look at my future in a different way and I made this fabulous, fearless five year plan to move to a city that captured my heart. (Ok I know a five year plan doesnāt fall under the spontaneous category, but to be fair there were child rearing obligations to be taken into consideration) No longer held back by thoughts of āwell thatās impossibleā step by step my timeline passed and finally with the last pre-move year unfolding, something ( read: someone) wrecked that plan.
And thatās ok. Because sometimes plans change. And as courageous as it is to move to a far away city where you donāt know a soul, it sometimes takes even more courage to stay put and be open to a whole other kind of adventure.
I still make plans…Fun plans, brave plans, spontaneous plans, always loose plans…Iāve learned to give the universe room to work itās magic, for sometimes it has an even better plan than me.
And as one of my favorite poets, Mary Oliver said, this is my one wild and precious life….As for what I plan to do with it? Live it…Live it without apology, without self imposed limits, and without fear.
I sit in the darkness of my yard. Iām grateful for the warmer air, especially since I fled the house with no coat.
The rhythmic hooting of a nearby owl calms me. I am struggling to regain my composure, to slow down my racing thoughts. I want to disappear into the night but the full moon bathes me in her light. I feel crazy. I think I am a ālunarā~tic.
While I may not writher around on the ground sprouting fur when exposed to the monthly glow of a full moon sky, it would seem my fangs do grow sharper, and my bark has bite.
Itās not to say I embark on a spree of verbally striking down just anyone who has the misfortune to cross my path as much as itās more an inability to control my primal response when confronted with fear or anger during this particular lunar phase.
My teens, twenties & thirties I wrote my monthly mood swings off to pms. In my early forties when I was smacked straight into surgically induced menopause I assumed that on top of the obvious menopausal crazies, the one intensely coming out of my skin day a month was a phantom pms of sorts. Now here we are, a good few years past menopause and still I have a monthly day or two break from sanity.
Maybe what I am and have always been at the mercy of, is the moon.
Who hasnāt heard tales that hospital ERās and jails or asylums are all the more challenging during full moons. Iāve read that crime increases on full moon nights. Some people speak of not being able to sleep. And of course thereās the fact that she (the moon) commands the oceans < now thatās power.
Photo credit for this September 30th (next day all the way) full moon in Salem MA goes to my big brother Stephen Jacobsmeier
My sun and moon sign are the same. In the daylight sweet Libra boasts such characteristics as peace loving, fairness, and balance.
Under the light of the moon my lovely Libra personality possesses traits like outrageous flirtatiousness, an insatiable appetite for fun, and mercilessly demands loyalty from those who surround her.
The moon captivates me. I constantly find myself in awe of her beauty and her force. She is surrounded by both mythical magic and concrete science.
Moonbeams reaching into the very core of who I am, releasing an animalistic wildness does not seem out of the realm of possibility. And with such creative phrasing can almost make it seem dark, yet desirable. Freedom from societyās emotional restraints. How wickedly enticing….
A little wicked in the moonlight š¤āØ
Ahhh as much as I rather find myself enjoying the spin put on my occasional outrageous behavior of being some fair haired unruly moon fairy jacked up on sparkling stardust, science might see it differently….Mental Illness.
Hmmm. Well then….Turns out with a quick Google search that there actually is a documented link between bipolar disorder and the effects of the full moon.
Have I been trying to dress up psychotic breaks as pure unbridled fiery passionate moments?
I often acknowledge child me as painfully shy but if given the honest appraisal hindsight affords, the truth is it was more in line with paralyzing anxiety.
Creative cocktails of various ingredients starting around the age of 13 were the elixir that allowed me to come out of hiding and join the world. And join the world I did, I took it by storm.
That worked until it didnāt work anymore.
I suppose that could be considered the good olā self medicating approach. I just didnāt know that was what I was doing.
I was raised by a generation that believed you donāt show your crazy. You tuck it in, squash it down, lock it up…I have resisted this deeply rooted subconscious response as best as Iāve been able and subsequently banished a demon or two, but somewhere they remain. They have tucked themselves into the deepest darkest corners and there they stay docile until the full moonās light is so bright it reaches into those crevices and stirs them up.
The ones I have met and acknowledged and named are the least terrifying but then there are those I run from. They are the ugliest parts of me. Some months they make their presence known more than others, and some they remain slightly more subdued.
If in fact the power of the moon does influence these moods of mine perhaps the worst corresponds with āsuperā moons closer to the earth, the same way their gravitational pull creates extreme low tides. That sounds like a plausible theory though with no real basis as Iāve got a somewhat unscientific simple mind. Maybe there just so happens to be other very real triggers happening in my life simultaneously and combined with the moon create a perfect storm.
Regardless, the moon now wanes and I grow more settled. I gaze at the night sky without trepidation as each evening it moves closer to my favorite phase of crescent moon…a Cheshire Cat smile.
I have a choice to make. Do I wait until my demons rise again, the way they always eventually do, or maybe itās time to invite them out into the light of a new day.
Shall I introduce myself and learn their names? Whatever names that might be~depression~anxiety~mania~ptsd~etc.
Itās more likely Iāll slip back into denial. My general happiness and love of life is real and it propels me through most days with a well balanced ease that makes it so difficult to recall the fear felt on a moonlight night when I am helpless to contain my flurry of emotions.
Then again I have left this trail of words on a page to remind myself where Iāve been. I suppose itās up to me now where I might go next…
I just received an alert reminding me that my annual payment was coming due for my website. Itās been a year. And what a year it has been!!
I love acknowledging year anniversaries. I do it constantly. Iām obsessed with all things full circle and enjoy the opportunity to reflect on where I am as opposed to where I was, and what has been learned or changed as I cycled through all four seasons between now and whatever event Iām circling around back to.
Does that sound peculiar? Maybe. Well I can be a bit peculiar, so thatās ok.
On with the anniversary reflecting….To begin with, I donāt hate mermaids anymore! Today they inspire nothing more than the nostalgic feeling of childlike magic. Any thoughts of the ādarkerā variety have simply drifted away like seaweed on the shore carried back to the deeper part of the ocean by the tide….Sure itās still out there somewhere, but it aināt swirling around my feet anymore getting all tangled up and ruining my beach day.
So now here we are almost a year after that silly mermaid hating post, twenty or so subsequent posts later, 47 organically grown followers, a lot of love shown to me on Facebook/Insta when I post blog links, and a door cracked open just a wee little bit that I honestly hadnāt even thought of knocking on, all has me feeling pretty good about expressing myself on this forum through the written word.
Granted Iāve posted inconsistently and my topics have been all over the map, but damn itās been therapeutic! Processing heavy shit, be it of the personal variety (death, depression, relationships, etc) or strife in the world ~write about it. Fun times on or at the sea ~ write about it. Holiday happenings that conjure up mixed feelings ~ write about it. Childhood memories ~write about them. Pretty much nothing is off limits, which I suppose could make those around me a little nervous…I mean it canāt be as bad as dating Taylor Swift (ouch that joke was so 2017), but I do like to publicly process some feelings through telling a story….
And tell a story is what I suppose I will continue to do. And maybe looking back on this year I see my story is bigger than I realized and itās strung together through all these smaller tales. Perhaps there is a common thread that ties them all together and just maybe that thread is not a āthingā, but a āwhoā.
That who has quite possibly impacted who I am in nearly every relationship I have had, one way or another…My mother.
Fifty year old smiling, confident, super fun, trusted friend, loving partner, best mom I can be, me is comprised of an abandoned newborn, a stolen toddler, an abused mentally breaking down four year old standing in a West Virginia trailer park, a painfully shy and picked on elementary school kid, a suicidal middle schooler, a promiscuous teen, a high school drop out, a drug addict, and eventually a scared too young of a mom desperate not to repeat history….And they all continuously reach out for her ….My mother.
Well that paragraph was the condensed version of my most painful highlights and probably sounds a tad whiney and like Iām blaming my mother….Poor moms, always getting the blame š
I swear thatās not where I mean to go with this. In between those house of horror moments were love, light, and beautiful experiences that also played a significant role in shaping who I am and how I view the world. I know Iāve been blessed a million times over.
And how can I say Iām not blaming my mother when I make the bold statements that I do, you ask? Because Iām simply not, Iām merely acknowledging a fact.
The fact that mothers are creators, they are life giving powerful feminine forces and from the moment we are born of them as tiny vulnerable humans in an overwhelmingly huge world, they are the closest connection we know. Forever tethered by the phantom cord that once nurtured us into existence.
I do have enough life experience and especially after having made an abundance of my own mistakes, to know that nothing this woman did (or does), regardless of how much it seemed like it, was she doing ātoā me. Sheās just been surviving in this world the best way she knows how and because of this I donāt hate her. Plus thereās the fact that she did quite literally give me life….So thereās that. Thanks mom.
Still though, I feel compelled to continue to tell our mother/daughter story because itās my story. Itās not to shame her or garner sympathy, but just because itās my most intimate, complex, love story.
She was my first relationship and my first rejection. I carry part of her with me into everything I do and I can never fully escape her. When I look in the mirror I see her face. And when I look again at all my seemingly random blog posts, sheās almost always somehow intertwined in them. She is everywhere.
And so perhaps this writing adventure of the past 12 months, that started as an outward āmermaidā attack and quickly turned introspective, brings me to the biggest full circle moment of them all. Iāve gone straight back to the absolute utmost beginning!
So cheers to a year of self reflection, the beginning of finding my voice, a little healing and as always a lot of love. And thatās all I got for now. I suppose more shall be revealed….
Thanks to anyone who may have found themselves following along. Xo
Iām grieving … Iām grieving a 17 lb black cat named Massacre.
A 17 lb black cat who 16 Valentine Days ago was born to a feral park dwelling mama.
Massacre and I had something in common…
My mother dwelled in the same park and was a bit feral herself.
Shortly after this (then) scrawny black kitty was born, his cat mom fell victim to a speeding car and it was my tent living mama that scooped him and his three siblings up to save them from the fate of being a raccoonās snack.
It was an on again time in our long history of on again off again rotations. It was also just weeks after January 27th 2005, a significant turning point in which I was learning to find my feet in a new way of living and my life was changing in so many ways.
Most changes were of the both necessary and positive variety, but one heartbreaking beyond my control change was that I had to say goodbye to my own little feline partner.
~Gypsy~ Beautiful 13 year old calico Gypsy…Gypsy who was older than two of my children. Gypsy who outlasted a marriage and subsequent relationships. Gypsy who moved half way across country with me twice. Gypsy who I loved more than Iād ever loved a pet. And I had loved many a pet.
Gypsy relaxing on the balcony of our Florida condo where she was the queen of the complex ….everybody loved her!
Much like my mother had saved Massacre, I too had snatched Gypsy straight from a cruel fate. She was a 2 lb, flea & mite ridden, eyes swollen shut, ball of snot whose barely audible 3 am mew alerted me to her location next to the dumpster behind the sports bar where I was a cocktail waitress.
That was how our story began. It ended 13 years later with me handing her, weak and sick, over to an animal hospital worker, who was also a friend and had promised to stay with her during the end because I was too selfish and scared to be there myself.
How Iāve always wished I could go back and do it differently…but I guess all the wishing in the world canāt turn back time…
Meanwhile back at the park the orphaned kitties continue to thrive in my unconventional mamaās care and my loss of Gypsy immediately inspires mom to insist I offer a home to one of her motherless kittens.
My loyalty and grief at first cause me to refuse but she wears me down and I agree to one. Then comes the call suggesting I take two as she was only able to find homes for two. I agree.
Kitty delivery day arrives as mom steps off a Jitney bus with a cat carrier containing not two, but three 6 week old kittens. āA home fell through, but itās ok, just pick the two you want and Iāll figure something out for the one you donātā < this is the suggestion she makes as my three daughters stand before me already each with a squirmy meowing kitten in hand.
So yeah. I kept three.
The older girls immediately devised an ownership plan. It is decided that really our dog belongs to Andrew so heās covered in the pet department. Shauna selects the black and white male as Colette is content with the black and white female. Oreo and Pookie have been named and claimed.
A very sweet two year old Tia is not only happy with her left over solid black cat, but true to her nature offers to share him with me. Her older sisters support this decision and Massacre is deemed āoursā….mine and Tiaās.
This is not necessary, I do not want a new cat. I look at this fleabag menagerie and my heart aches for Gypsy. Iāve been conned and now I have a brood of four legged mouths to feed that just serve as a reminder of the cat relationship I lost.
Time passes and the cats grow. They are fine cats. They are loved cats. We are a seemingly happy home and all living things appear to be well cared for. Still I keep my distance.
Im convinced that to love them too much would be a betrayal to the cat who I already feel like I abandoned in the end. I need to at least mourn her properly.
And so I do. And then one day it happens, and like so many defining moments in my life I look back with an awareness of the exact time and place which within a shift occurs.
I am sad or mad or something that I canāt quite process. I sit there on my couch and this now very large black cat hops up on me. His weight is a significant presence and I feel it ground me, bringing me fully back into the present moment. As I pet him he purrs loudly. I look into those beautiful green-gold eyes and feel overwhelmed with love for this comforting creature. And so our love affair begins.
I donāt know why in that moment, probably a good two years after this cat had already been āmineā did it become ok to love him so completely, but it did. He wasnāt just mine anymore, I became his.
I became his in such a connected way that at 5 years old when I almost lost him to organ failure I refused to give up and willed him to survive. With the help of medicine that was only meant to comfort not cure and a friend who came over two times a day to give him fluids by injection I watched the yellow in his eyes clear and the weight come back on. His Veterinarian was shocked and could offer no explanation for his complete recovery. I never took a moment that came after that for granted.
He saw me through recoveries just the same. Both illness and heartbreak. With one fat black paw on one shoulder and the other on my other, he would lean his forehead against mine and literally hold me. Again I say his weight had such a substantial grounding quality and his ability to love me was perfect.
So perfect that he remained a good sport through household additions of both the four and two legged kind. Oh wait, and even a three legged one at that!
Calypso ~ sheās a sweet story on her own ā¤ļøMassacre & Memphis He didnāt even bat an eye when along came an 80 lb German Shepherd (not to mention SheRaās owner who he could have easily felt bumped him from some of his snuggle time š¤ Let us not forget Piccadilly the Wonder Goat …Man that cat was a good sport š¤
He was a gentle giant if ever there was one. I would frequently cup his face in my hands, look him in the eyes and say āyou can never die Massy, donāt you ever leave meā.
I thought we had a deal, but on February 15, 2021 the day after he turned sweet 16, something happened inside him that couldnāt be willed better.
We are in a quiet room. Massacre is calm and wrapped in the cozy blanket I held him in on the drive to this location. It is fitting that Tia and I should be together in comforting āourā cat during his final moments.
I kneel beside the table he is laying on and gently press my forehead against his. He responds with a purr. Tia strokes his fur and he continues to purr softly until he drifts off to one last sleep.
Now I grieve. My grief encompasses so many elements from the very easy to understand feelings of missing my cat that I loved to the more complex feelings toward the woman who gave him to me.
And just as it was 16 years ago it is again only weeks after January 27th, and the same as how Massacre just had a birthday, I too in a very significant sense just turned 16.
So Iām left thinking that maybe we actually do sometimes get a chance to go back and do things differently and Iād like to believe it wasnāt just Massacre I was kneeling beside at the table there in the same room my sweet Gypsy girl drifted away in 16 years earlier.
Destination chosen. Time off work secured. Lets get a packinā.
When making the usual travel choices and checklists we can now factor in these considerations….Covid test appointments scheduled for before travel and after. Yup yup. Do we dare risk an airport and airplane? Nah, letās drive. Do our hotels have sanitizing procedures in place? They sure do. Have those weāre visiting tested negative, been vaccinated, or already had Covid-19? āļøāļøāļø
Mask on, extras packed. Hereās to 6ā apart.
Big difference from last years carefree travels to Mardi Gras where my biggest concern was securing enough outfits with gold, green, & purple sparkle.
Bodies squeezed together dancing in the streets and sitting on dirty curbs while waiting on parades. Catching plastic beads and trinkets thrown from passing floats, touched by dozens of unknown hands. Who knew how strange that would seem by the following year.
Apparently Mardi Gras was the original āsuper spreaderā event before we really grasped the dangers right around the bend. Surprisingly enough (especially considering that tidbit of info) I myself have not had Covid. I tested negative for the antibodies as recently as a couple weeks ago. Who knows why some people get it and others donāt, even after exposure.
My good fortune in not contracting this highly contagious virus does not make me feel invincible and I still take it quite seriously. How could I not when people I love are considered high risk?
Or actually ….how could I not when any human I come into contact with might be a high risk candidate?? Itās about more than just me.
Ok ok, getting a little preachy here….Iāll stop with the passive aggressive shaming of those who donāt buy into this whole āglobal pandemicā thing.
Honestly I shouldnāt go getting too sanctimonious as I probably fall somewhere in the middle myself.
Am I willing to tweak my lifestyle and do my best to be safe and keep others safe? Yes! Am I willing to stop living and stay home 24/7? Uhhh…no. Thatās a big huge N-O-.
And so I do my best. I travel by car to avoid public transportation and crowds. I test regularly. I wear my mask in public. I limit my trips into stores. And whenever possible I keep that 6ā distance. Itās kind of become second nature by now. Hereās a god awful phrase ….itās the ānew normalā…. < haha I know thatās so obnoxious!!
Obnoxious or not, itās life. Life on lifeās terms. Weāre living in the days that will be recorded in the history books of the future, and like all things…this too shall pass.
Even pre-Covid I was always down for a good road trip, and now that has become the preferred vaca theme. Keeps me and whoever my travel partner(s) may be just a little more self contained.
This most recent trip my travel partner was also my life partner and in fortunate news, we do well self contained in confined spaces. Iām sure for many travel partners (much less life partners) thatās not always the case, so hooray for us, we rock!
Iām being serious …want to test a relationship?? ….Get in a car and cover a total of almost 4,000 miles in ten days! Throw in a little her meeting his dear old friend and him meeting her father to inspire just a few nerves.
Update …everyone loved everyone …damn that went well! Again I say it, we rock!
Oh Corona, you may have forced my hand and made me dial back my travel itinerary….no international excursions and no popping in on a celebration of music and life (with its fair share of debauchery) this year, but cheers to inspiring visits to new cities as well as long ago favorites.
Sometimes I may miss the energy of a crowd, but oh how I adore wandering with my love down to a quiet riverfront, through historic cemeteries, lazing on a riverboat, or biking a (high bear activity<for realz, the sign said so) trail.
And yes Iām a fan of hopping a flight, dozing off and being somewhere far away and new when I open my eyes, but I do love the things that happen as a car rolls down a highway and the miles pass….conversations both silly and deep, singing along to songs, and random roadside stops.
I may not be making as many trips as Iād like, going as far as I have in the past or had planned for the future, and I am definitely not seeing everyone Iād like to spend time with these days, but I sure am savoring what I have, with who, and where.
Stay safe yāall and if our paths cross out there Iāll be sending ya an air hug and blowing you a 6ā away kiss š
I know weāre all basically feeling like we should get an āI survived 2020ā tee for making it through this year < wow that sounded more clever in my head, seeing it in print Iām confronted with the thought of just how many did not.
We lost (and still are losing) astronomical numbers of people to Covid 19, and of course many of us lost loved ones to a suicide, cancer, and tragic accidents, and how can we not pause and think of those who died by the hand of police brutality.
This year we took notice of racial injustice like never before when the dying gasps of a man calling out for his mother and repeating the phrase āI canāt breatheā was heard around the world.
George Floyd, Elijah McClain, and Breonna Taylor are only a few of the names chanted in streets, the list of lives wrongfully extinguished far too long and too many names not even known.
2020 is certainly a year not to be referenced lightly. Perhaps itās challenges impacted us collectively more than any other year, or maybe thatās just the way it feels to me.
Still though, reining it into a more local level evaluation, even for all its surreal extremes I would be remiss if I didnāt give a shout-out of gratitude for all the good in my life. And as always, if I look for it, there is so much good…
Though It hasnāt all been sunsets and snuggles, there sure was plenty of that.
The most difficult personal loss for me this year was saying goodbye to someone I loved my entire life, but this year also brought new babies to the family and engagements and these are the things that hold the promise of hope as life carries on.
Milestone celebrations were scaled down. Travel plans may have been canceled or altered, but that is a small price to pay when you consider itās about staying healthy and keeping others healthy. And especially not the worst thing when youāre fortunate enough to call the NoFo home. < A fact that is never lost on me!
My beloved live music…sadly summer concerts were all postponed, but I did leave the shore with a fine singing sailor every chance I could…making it a magically musical summer in itās own right.
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I am by nature a social creature and while I truly missed all the friends and family I couldnāt see, I have however appreciated the opportunity to form bonds all the tighter with my quarantine crew.
And I know how privileged I am that so many of the terrible things happening leave me and mine largely untouched, and I know that just because I get to exist in this blissful little spot where blessings can be so easily recognized, that those awful things are still happening. I know I have a responsibility to not get swept away in ignorance and forget to fight the good fight.
In my positive proclamations I certainly in no way mean to be insensitive to the loss, the isolation, and the devastation many have faced through 2020, the pain for so many is so real..I know this.
I pray for all those who experienced the worst of 2020 that they may find peace and love abound in 21.
May we all continue on a healing path, with strength to endure the difficulties, gratitude for the grace, and respect and compassion for our fellow humans.
If there is indeed an afterlife and if my life of sin should assign me eternal damnation as my ever after, I have a pretty good idea what my personal hot spot will look like.
The glow of Hellās fires will actually be the soft twinkling of holiday lights. The background noise wonāt be the tortured moans of my fellow damned souls, but rather nonstop (perfectly pitched) caroling favorites, and of course there will be the smell of freshly baked goods wafting through the air.
Almost sounds like heaven, but wait….all the while I shall exist in this perpetual external December paradise, whilst carrying the constant nagging internal twisted anxious knot that tells me Iām not happy enough.
Happy Holiday expectations….Where exactly did this stem from? Did I have such ideal childhood holidays and that somehow set this incredibly high bar? I canāt imagine itās that.
Donāt get me wrong, they werenāt the stuff nightmares were made of or anything. They just werenāt a Norman Rockwell standard either.
There was love, gifts, and good china set around the dining room table (a table only sat at for a holiday meal) but you know, they were just kind of falling short in the special department, with their baby shrimp cocktails in a jar and fruit salad out of a can, how lackluster…
So if it isnāt the long ago ghost of perfect Christmas past haunting me, It must be my very own wild imagination fueled by books read and movies watched that scream of the all encompassing āholiday magicā, that really piles the pressure on.
Add a few kids into the mix and boy oh boy does that make you really feel like you have to make things emulate that sought after perfection.
We all know perfection is unattainable under the best of circumstances, but hey letās sprinkle in some active addiction for good measure.
What you have now eventually leaves you with a highlight memory reel of holiday mishaps and let downs of some colossal proportions.
Letās review…there was the time I was newly separated, estranged from family (by my own doing), in a sweltering state I hated, with three wide eyed younginās scratching up a storm with the chicken pox…What could make it worse you ask? If I had the chicken pox too and my current budget allowed only for Dollar Tree shopping.
Wait a second, if I remember correctly that Christmas actually turned out OK.
Oh I know, there was the one where I stayed up all night wrapping into the wee hours (amongst other things one should not be doing on Christmas Eve or any eve really) and upon running out of …eh…wrapping paper…yeah, yeah…thatās what I ran out for at 3am…wrapping paper! And when I stopped at 7/11 after picking up said wrapping paper, I managed to get my pocket book stolen out of my car. Boy did I wish I hadnāt left that āwrapping paperā in my bag…
Oh wait, maybe it was actually a Christmas blessing that I did, because now that I think about it, I went home and eventually to sleep and in the long run that wasnāt the worst Christmas either.
It was the year I did it all. I checked every box off the āHow to have a perfect Christmasā list.
Step one-Cut down your own tree āļø
Step two- Decorate earlyāļø
Step three- Take family into the city for a full day of holiday shopping, 5th Ave window peepinā, family pic in front of āthe treeā! And add in any other hot coco sipping, ice skating watching, NYC winter wonderland goodness you can think to pack into a single day āļø
Step four- The baking of holiday cookies, not only decorated as sweet as they taste, but packaged up in Christmas cuteness and hand delivered to friends and neighbors alike (be sure to have you and your elf (youngest daughter) wear appropriate holiday attire, consisting of Santa hats and ugly sweaters for full effect āļø
Step 5- Dress everyone in their Christmas best and not just attend Christmas Eve candlelight services but be the family who stands up in front and lights the advent candles, recites the scripture, and exudes peace, love, & joy āļø
Step 6- After the (non alcoholic) egg nog has been drunk, and holiday shows watched, and the traditional Xmas Eve present opened by each…tuck those kiddies into bed and let the sugar plums dance in their head….almost got to āļø that off …so damn close…until Mamaās melt down woke up their sleepy little heads.
This was also the year I lost my grandmother. The woman who raised me. Or more accurately saved me. The woman who grounded me, and who without I felt lost.
I recall now how I had grandly announced as the season began āI will not be sad this first Christmas without my Grandmother, Iāll celebrate the way she would have wanted me toā.
I checked those boxes off at warp speed like they were steps on a scavenger hunt and I was racing to the finish-line. I donāt think I stayed still long enough in a single moment to have been present in it. They are blurred memories at best speeding toward an epic crash.
The crash…thatās a memory that is sharply in focus. I canāt tell you what my childrenās faces looked like that day in the city, try as I might, but I can see the disappointment and confusion when they awoke from sweet slumber to the sounds of shrieking and crashes, as I hurled whatever was nearby at the wall.
Embarrassing….yes, I know. Itās this thing that happens to me though. When I donāt honor whatever the feeling is Iām feeling, be it sadness or fear, or if I dig my heels into expectations of how things āshouldā look or be….things tend to come out sideways…usually as anger. Earth shaking, unreasonable, uncontrollable anger.
Side note > In my life this can apply to anytime of year, though as a tribute to this fa la la la time of year, Iām focusing on Holiday sadness and expectations.
Iād like to suggest that this amazing sense of self awareness I clearly have suggests that I have now nipped that little personality problem in the bud. Ehh well, āprogress not perfectionā is the phrase that comes to mind.
And so progress it is, but some days you forget. Some days you walk through the hap happiest season of all with a smile on your face while inside all you want to do is sit at a table reserved for holiday meals and eat tiny shrimps drowning in a glass jar of cocktail sauce and you donāt want to let yourself feel how much youāre missing the people with whom you shared those sweet ( what did you call them? -lackluster) holidays long gone by.
So maybe one December weekend youāre trying to make it all look perfect and then the crockpot overcooks the beef stew meat and undercooks the vegetables. And maybe the cookies you were baking fall flat. And maybe you start to feel mad at someone for things you already forgave them for, and everything feels wrong and you want to explode…but then you remember ….this isnāt some Holiday Hell youāve been banished to and youāre the only one telling yourself how youāre āsupposedā to feel.
On that note, itās ok to call a friend and have a good cry, a heartfelt āIām sorryā can work wonders, piles of mushy flat cookies are delicious, pizza is always an acceptable solution for dinner, and no dog ever complained about tough meat when being served beef stew.
And maybe the difference between heaven and hell is nothing more than your very own perspective ….And Iām just gonna be over here doing my best to remember that š
Wishing yāall peace, love, & the ability to be kind to yourself this holiday season ā¤ļø
It has been in my nature for a while now to reference the dark vs light quite a bit. I suppose I use it literally, biblically, figuratively, metaphorically, metaphysically…you know, all of the above. I just really like that whole light/dark vibe…I see where it is applicable in so many situations, but if this past year has taught me anything, itās taught me things aināt quite so black and white, so maybe everything isnāt dark and light.
It was right around this time last year that somebody told me I was being overly simplistic in my declaration of what (or was it a who?) was dark (oh yes it was a who) and who was light. Looking back I can see she wasnāt wrong.
In January of 2005 I had what I truly believe was a āwhiteā light experience. It was an instant where the universe shifted and I became aware everything was different from how it had been only a second earlier. It was when a muffled voice in the distance became audible, when a blurred vision came into focus. It was a definitive moment in time, one that I came to believe separated the dark period of my life from what now would be my time in the light.
How overly simplistic indeed. How willing I had been to write off my previous years as all having been lived in the dark, but that was not the case at all.
Cue Leonard Cohen …I can hear his baritone voice singing āThere is a crack in everything, thatās how the light gets inā.
In the darkest parts of my childhood, abandonment and abuse, was there not the saving Grace safety of my Grandmotherās home? The unconditional love from those I shared it with? Light.
Throughout my school years when I was lost, shuffled around, unable to find my feet in an academic world, were there not those moments highlighting my potential and intelligence? Light.
For all the places I didnāt fit in, did I not find friendships that would span the decades? Light.
Where I see the failings and short comings of a young wife and mother, can I not also see the strength and resilience of a young woman who faced challenges and made tough choices in the name of fierce love and protection? Light.
In my darkest of times, days that blended into nights, and as the hours passed gave way to day once again, a twisted period of pain and confusion driven by the most primal of survival instincts, yet still every bedtime I would pause and safely tuck my children in while singing āyou are my sunshineā <<<right there, that was a crack in which the light got in.
The light was always infiltrating the darkness, just as the dark still seeps into the brightly lit, warm life I live now. There is balance in everything I suppose.
The darkness of betrayal winds itās way through the brightest of times. The fears that live in the dark cast shadows against the light. And at times the darkness comes from deep within, but all that it touches is not ruined forever.
No, not ruined. Changed yes, but different is not the same as destroyed.
In my naivety I believed if I was willing to draw that line, leave those years, those sacrificial memories, there in the darkness, that somehow my todays would all remain untouched. They have not. Should I erase the line? Redraw it to include more years in the scrap pile?
What of my childrenās lives growing up? Small arms around my neck, kisses on my cheek, āI love you Mommyā whispered in my ear. Times I saw their eyes wide with wonder. Would I banish those memories that bring so much joy due to the smudges of darkness left by the pain caused from our time with a devil?
What of the lover I placed on a pedestal? Would I say goodbye to the laughter, the love, the hundred ways my life is more fulfilled because their darkness ruined my image of perfection? Perfection? Theirs, mine, ours together…an illusion.
Through it all there is a coexistence. A blending of the dark and light.
And now here we are, the āholiday seasonā…I walk through these days with an eerie remembrance of its counterpart day from previous years. Some more prominent than others in my mindās eye. Some darker, some blissfully light, and I allow them all their opportunity to exist in my memories, as I continue to grow comfortable walking in this space somewhere in between the dark and the light where real life happens.
I say āstories that are mine to tellā, but is this one really mine?
Many memories overlap and intersect with someone elseās, but this story does not live in the black and white world of my memory vs theirs, having been created during shared experiences, thus creating a story we both call our own. This story, these memories, exist within the shades of gray.
In my minds eye I see the teenage girl with the long strawberry blond hair staring at a pink newborn through the nursery glass.
If I look closer I see the days before where she was in labor, scared and crying out for her mother. I see them take the baby from her, the baby she is not allowed to hold.
Looking still closer I can see the months earlier, before being sent to the Bronx home for teenage unwed mothers, when she defiantly pushed an empty stroller down the block she lived on for all the neighbors to see.
In my memory I see the form fitting mini dress showing the beginning of a baby bump. I see the strides she takes, the proud arch of her back as she blatantly extends her growing belly. I remember the weather that day, the sky is clear, still slightly cool as winter gives way to spring.
Oh wait, I donāt remember these things. I couldnāt possibly. I am the baby. The baby she looks at through the nursery glass. I am three dayās old and I donāt yet have a name.
Again though I imagine I can see her standing there. The nun in her black habit approaches her and gently places a hand on my young motherās shoulder, softly she says āif you wish to be the one to name her you must do it now or we will when we baptize herā.
It is the only thing she is allowed to do. Someday, this first name she gave to her baby may be the only thing she knows about her. She has been desperately trying to dream up a name that is unique.
In these self created memories I can hear the piped in music playing in the hospital corridor… āIndiana wants me, lord I canāt go back thereā…I see the teenage girl turn to the nun and say āDeannaā.
The memories continue…On a crisp fall day I see the same teenager on the side of a road with her thumb out. After she receives a ride I see her hand balled into a fist knock upon the door of a home in Bellmore. The home that was meant to be mine. The woman with the kind face who longed to be my mother is too sympathetic to turn this desperate teenage mother away.
The memory of my first Christmas I am not even in. I see my grandmother hand her daughter a gift wrapped box. It contains baby clothes with sweet delicate details. This gift says āok we will bring her homeā.
These are the earliest memories that set the course of my life. Where I would grow up and who I would be.
So perhaps this was my motherās story, but she has passed it down on more than one occasion through the years. I have accepted it, assigned the imagery of the details I couldnāt possibly know, and placed it in the memory box of my life along side of my own.
āļøOne last dna tale blogpost..which is actually the first dna tale that I wrote about and shared on my social media. Now having painted the full ancestry result debacle, Iāll wrap it up here with this sweet discovery.
As I mentioned in the post before last, I have a deep soul connection with New Orleans and while my other discoveries have had tremendous impact on not just myself but others, this one is lighthearted, fun, and affirming.
Out of the few nationalities I knew myself to lay claim to, the one I never particularly mention often is my German. Funny I would disconnect from it considering that hands down, my biggest āhands onā, childhood influence was my maternal Great Grandmother, Minnie. Mimi (to those who knew her), came from good German stock. It was her ancestors I was raised on stories of, and today it is in the ones I had no previous knowledge of, that I validate my sense of belonging to New Orleans.
During the wave of German immigration, sometime in the late 1840s, Friederika Henrietta Weigel -Held, after the death of her husband Ludwig, made her way to America, and landed in New Orleans. She made her home in the 12th ward and died there on October 11, 1851, at the age of 62.
While her older children, including Phillippini Jakobina Held, who would go on to become my gggg (<thatās 4 greats if youāre counting) grandmother, made their way to NYC, two of her children, Susanna and Jacob Held, remained in New Orleans. They married, had children of their own, and their legacies, it would seem, carry on.
While these relations stem from Aunts and Uncles with several āgreatsā in their title, and are now cousins many, many times removed, they are nonetheless, to some degree, my people. It is with tremendous satisfaction that I know my kin still walk those streets, and since we all know how āspiritedā NOLA is, that my ancestors still roam. š®āØāØāØ
Feels like coming home
On my first visit, March 2013, during the trip from the airport to the Quarter, I told my driver, Big E, āI feel like my soul is from hereā. Iāve repeated that phrase to anybody whoāll listen ever since. Well, clearly, now we know…the feeling was no doubt, my sweet ggggg grandma Friederika, welcoming me homeāØ….oh, and PS: The Germans introduced the accordion into Cajun music. š¶Youāre welcome. š
So to the question āwhereās my Italian?ā…Turns out I have an answer… I tracked down 2% of it!
As ancestry improves the science behind determining dna, results become tweaked to be more and more accurate. With this fine tuning my ancestral connection to Wales has become very prominent and just for a fun little (haha hereās your Italian) twist, they threw in 2% from Northern Italy.
Even if that had been there from the beginning, the minuscule amount presented along with the sudden appearance of Irish dna would have been enough to raise questions in regard to my paternity. Never mind the dna matches of āclose relativesā bearing names Iād never heard.
What that 2% might have changed though was triggering my suspicion enough to look beyond my own paternity and into my motherās.
Perhaps I would have assumed that 2% was all that got passed down from my ALL Italian maternal grandfather. And perhaps I would have assumed all those unfamiliar names with matching dna stemmed from my newly discovered biological father.
It wasnāt there though, and it made me curious…
As I believe I may have already mentioned I seem to have somewhat natural investigative skills coupled with an occasionally almost spooky intuition.
It is not unusual for my mind to immediately make a leap to what may initially appear as a far fetched conclusion, only to then double back and begin to fill in the blanks along the way with more and more clues that support my initial āguessā < for lack of a better word.
To be fair, there have been times Iāve āguessedā wrong but, thereās been more times Iāve been right. Ya know…if weāre keeping score š
So I did look a little closer and upon realizing that not only is all of this Irish dna coming from both parents but that a good number of these unfamiliar matches stemmed not just from my new found fatherās side but, from my motherās as well, I drew the obvious conclusion. I wasnāt the only one who was about to add an Irish dad in the mix with the currently known Italian one.
It would seem closets are made for keeping skeletons and apples donāt fall far from trees.
I recall my mother telling me about being mistaken for Irish, much the same way I had always been. One gentleman in particular who upon her correction of āno really Iām Italianā, confidently proclaimed ādonāt be silly, I know a fine Irish girl when I see oneā. Turned out he was right!
I brought this follow up information to my aunt, whom I have mentioned is the matriarch of the family, and informed her I suspected Grammie of having had an affair resulting in my mother, therefore creating a dna connection to this new group of maternal side matches with names we didnāt know. For the record, their dna primarily Irish.
This notion was met with resistance and shrugged off. Other possible explanations discussed. I knew though. I felt it in my Irish bones.
I began looking at the names closer and I began reaching out with a general introduction and inquiry. Upon not getting any responses I began google searching their names and compiling any facts I could put together of their ages, relationships and where they lived.
What I came up with was a grandfather/father to the ancestry matches provided, who was the same age as my grandmother and had lived on the island during the years she was raising a family. I could find nothing actually linking them though. They were married at the same time and he had two children to her four. Her oldest two, a son and daughter (<my mother) the exact same ages as his two, a son and daughter.
Becoming increasingly interested in connecting with one of these maternal side matches I went beyond the ancestry site and sent one young man in particular a Facebook message. He responded.
He wasnāt that much younger than myself and as luck would have it, he was indeed the grandson of the gentleman who piqued my interest. He was genuinely interested in figuring out the possible connection and we shared facts about our families with each other.
As we went down the highlight reel of our grandparents, who we both seemed equally enamored with, we finally met in a common place…Levittown.
In my own searches I had not found any thing connecting them to Levittown, but as it would turn out, in the early years of this young manās grandfatherās marriage he did indeed live in Levittown. It was his first home with his wife and it is where his two children were born.
My newly discovered cousin through previously unknown dna, informed me he always remembered the name of the block his father had lived on the first few years of his life because it reminded him of the Beatles song, Abbey Road…though the street was actually Abbey Lane.
Mic drop.
Abbey lane. Abbey lane as in the Abbey Lane I grew up on. The Abbey Lane my mother, aunt, and two uncles grew up on. The Abbey Lane where my grandmother and her GI husband bought their first home. The Abbey Lane where she spoke of bridge parties with neighbors. The Abbey Lane where my grandfather worked long hours as a policeman while my grandmother raised four children. The Abbey Lane where my grandparents had separate twin beds in their bedroom, like on I Love Lucy. The Abbey Lane where eventually my grandfather left my grandmother to raise four young teens alone and never looked back.
Which house on Abbey Lane was home to these future matches that now appeared as aunts, uncles, and cousins? The house across the street from my childhood home.
With this new information my aunt could no longer dismiss my suspicions. She became the Oprah Winfrey of ancestry dna tests…āyou get a dna testā, āyou get a dna testā…āeveryone gets a dna testā….
As we awaited the results, results I had initially assumed would prove my mother also a match for the across the street neighbors and a half sibling to my aunt, something else began to take shape.
My P.I. partner (who I was now assumed to share an Irish grandfather with) and I continued to share old family photos. In these photos something could not be denied. His father and aunt, bore a striking resemblance not just to my mother, but to her siblings…my uncles and aunt.
Plot twist…dna results are in…Italian grandfather > you are NOT the father to ANY! Irish grandfather > theyāre ALL yours!!
Granted this could never be officially proven in regard to my deceased Uncle Jimmy but, there are the pictures. The similarities between him and the boy of the exact same age from across the street are uncanny.
That family moved shortly after the birth of their daughter. Irish grandpa didnāt have anymore children within that marriage, but he certainly did with my grandmother. I guess whatever pulled them toward each other from across a street was strong enough to cross some towns for.
This is where the facts end. Anything beyond is pure speculation, though for myself itās impossible not to imagine the scenarios in which this may have happened.
In my minds eye I see my young grandmother, a 1950ās housewife. Sheās beautiful, sheās passionate with a bit of a wild streak. She loves music and dancing. Sheās social. She wants to see the world. She yearns to get outside of herself.
Maybe her husband isnāt that nice. Maybe he works too much. Maybe sheās lonely.
The man across the street is handsome. He has a magnetic personality, this I know from what his grandson has told me and from what I can see in his pictures. They would have made a beautiful couple. They did make beautiful babies.
Maybe it all starts at a key party. Just a little swinging fun. The free love hippies of the sixties didnāt begin the sexual revolution. Happy little suburban neighborhoods just like Levittown were rumored to be swinging hubs.
Gentlemen drop your key in the bowl at the door. Ladies grab one on the way out and see who youāre going home with. All those bridge parties…hmmm. Urban legend or scandalous reality?! Who knows for certain…
Within the process of revealing all these wild truths, and entertaining possibilities that donāt seem quite as wild anymore, many of us close to this began digging deep into our memories. Looking for hints to help string the pieces of this love affair together. Moments that may have seemed insignificant in the past but now in this new light revealed themselves to have deeper meaning.
My aunt and I share a memory, hers a bit clearer than mine due to my young age, but it is there none the less. Iām in the living room. A man carries in a wooden rocking horse. It is a gift for me.
My aunt was there when this happened. She didnāt know the man or why he brought this beautiful rocking horse for me. I keep it my whole life. My children play on it. I still have it.
Could that have been…
I obviously donāt really know why or how their love began, nor do I know why or how it ended. I choose to believe it was love, again itās just something I feel in my Irish bones.
After spanning all those years they later both ended up divorced. Why not finally be together…Make a real go of it. Perhaps he wanted to. The point where they would have been able to do just that, they would have been in their late forties. Still so much life ahead. Still youthful, vibrant beings. What had changed? What was she doing then…oh wait, she had been left with me.
Shortly after the time I received that rocking horse would have been when he moved to Florida. He settled down and remarried (side note > to his ex wifeās cousin, who Iām told kept a tight leash on him< you just canāt make this stuff up). Perhaps that gift was his goodbye.
One last bittersweet note worth mentioning, that helps support my romantic notions of ill fated star crossed lovers, is something my Abbey Lane offspring cross the street cousin remembered.
He told it to me like this…that on one of his last visits to Florida before Irish Grandpa passed away, he and his dad were taking him to lunch and on the drive something about Levittown came up and at that time he recalls he mentioned āHopeā. My new cousin was now aware āHopeā was my grandmotherās name.
He wrapped this up by sharing that while at this point (our) grandfather suffered from some dementia, Levittown and Hope, had not been forgotten….
Look at me digging up old bones. Iām sure some family members cringe at my confessional style blogging and perhaps my poor grandmother rolls in her grave upon realizing weāre all spitting in tubes and matching with old neighbors, revealing the secrets she thought she had safely carried with her.
I donāt do this to shame anyone though. I point no fingers. I know her a little bit more and in knowing her more, I love her all the more.
I donāt see the old woman, whom I believed to be so full of wisdom, who I thought had all the answers. I see a reckless wild child living with her choices. I see a vulnerable, and yes selfish, perfectly imperfect human just trying to stay the course on a twisted path. Mostly …I see myself.
I see myself, and I make a little wish…may the generations that come after me look upon my life of mistakes with a bit of kindness, compassion, and a whole lot of forgiveness. Remember, weāre all just doing our messed up best…
Air hugs to yāall, from this Irish girl with 2% Italian āļø š®š¹
This post was inspired by a question posed by my favorite podcaster… āIf your last day alive was in New Orleans, what would you do with your day?ā.
Now obviously this is set many years into the future, ācause you know, Iām going to be old…but fun old, vibrant old, little bit wise old, and of course donāt give a crap what anybody thinks old. Basically all the very best things about being old.
The golden light which is filtered through the long sheer curtains fills the room in my French Quarter apartment and I begin to wake up. I rise and greet the day on my balcony as below me the street cleaners wash away the night before, early rising tourists begin to appear, and the shop owners open their doors.
A French Quarter balcony š¤
After Iāve finished my perfectly pressed strong cup of Community Dark Roast, I get dressed and make my way down to the street. I stroll on over to the nearby Croissant DāOr.
I carefully select a fresh pastry (or two) and then I head toward the river. On my way I smile, nod, and occasionally stop to chat with friends and strangers alike.
Once there I sit a while enjoying the soft breeze as I eat my breakfast. Music and church bells mingle in the air as I nostalgically watch the barges and tugs come into port.
Mississippi River š¤
Did I mention itās Sunday? Well it is! Thatās why itās time to make my way uptown to Tipitinaās where this weekās second line is beginning. When I arrive, I see the the men from the social club are looking dapper. I fall in line behind the brass band and even at this advanced age, I can still move my feet. As I do I feel the music through my whole body. Life can be hard and weāve all got challenges, but we have this music and we dance and we celebrate and in this moment weāve never been more alive and itās perfect.
A Second Line Sunday šŗš¶
I stay with my fellow paraders for quite a while dancing through these city streets until finally I give into my bodyās need for a break. I find myself at Motherās and I get a sweet tea and a Debris PoāBoy. Itās messy and itās delicious.
After I finish it I head home to spend some down time relaxing with a book in my courtyard. I had recently decided to reread āThe Sound of Building Coffinsā since it was always a favorite. Guess itās a good thing I finish it up in that sitting š
When Iām done I begin my regular Sunday phonecalls…I check in with each of my children and get updates on the grandchildren and great grandchildren, everyone is doing well. I tell them how much I love them and how proud of them I am and as always I send my love along down the line to them all.
The hours have passed and I realize itās time to start thinking about evening plans. I decide on catching an all star performance at the Preservation Hall.
We squeeze into the tight space and Iām fortunate to get a seat up front. Tonightās musicians are a trio of stellar old timers. I catch the piano playerās eye and we exchange smiles. My thoughts fondly drift back to when I first met him in 2016. Even all those years ago he was already such a phenomenal player as he walked in the footsteps of the greats and now here he is, one of the legends himself.
Those younger years š
After the show I walk to the Gumbo Shop. I order the barbecue shrimp dish that is never on the menu but always available and when I finish the last of the warm, soft on the inside, crusty on the outside French bread, I ask for another without shame.
I am blissfully content as I arrive home and prepare for bed. I slide in between the cool sheets, I stretch, and as I do so I reach out and take the framed picture on my nightstand in my hand.
I lovingly gaze at the youthful images the photo holds and I feel the pang of loss as sharply as I did the year before when I said goodbye to my partner in this life. I trace his face with my fingertip and in a whisper say āfair winds and following seasā.
I donāt recall returning the picture to itās spot on the bedside table. I canāt remember falling asleep. It feels as though only a second in time has passed yet there is that familiar golden light spilling into the room. It quickly becomes brilliantly bright and itās warmth surrounds me. Then I hear him before I see him…āItās time to set sail Deanna Rose, youāve kept me waiting long enoughā. I take his hand and we go….
Memories of someone elseās memories passed down through the years, delicately intertwined with memories of my own. Memories of words, and images, scents, and sounds, live in my mind with crisp detail, while some are shades of gray, obscured by the shadows in which they were created.
Memory is a tricky thing. Many times Iāve watched my family argue over who is remembering the correct version of a certain event, each so sure they are the one whose recollection can be trusted. Perhaps my accounts arenāt accurate at all, I mean I think they are, but wait, soon I shall be the sole keeper of the memories of my childhood home….who shall I ask? There will be no one left…
I am little more than a toddler in diapers playing at the bottom of the stairs in a Levittown home when I reach out and yank our old dogās ear, prompting him to bite me in the face. I hear my great grandmotherās scream and feel my Uncle Jimmyās arms hold me as we race down the turnpike on a fire truck. I hear his voice telling me itās going to be ok.
I am a little older sitting on those same steps peeking through the rail as the neighbors join my Grandmother & Great Grandmother for cocktails around the kitchen table. I hear the blender that makes Brown Cows and Pink Squirels. I listen to the laughter and the clink of glasses joining in a toast.
Itās these stairs I creep down in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Making my way in the darkness with a sense of familiarity. I do not see the dog, I trip, I feel my forehead connect with the bricks that surround the fireplace. I feel the warm blood and my cries summon Grammie and Mimi, who turn on the lights, scoop me up, and tend to the gash.
My fingers absentmindedly touch the quarter moon scar as I recall this memory.
It was the top of those stairs where I stood quietly as I grasped what was happening in the living room below. Mimi and Grammie placing gifts around the tree. My desire to remain out of sight stemming from not wanting to disappoint them by revealing that I now knew the truth. I slipped back into my room unnoticed.
It was in my Great Grandmotherās first floor sitting room where I learned to play Dominoes and Mille Bornes. Itās where I watched my Saturday morning cartoons. In Mimiās company we watched weekday soap operaās, as well as the evening news.
The adjoining bedroom I knew as if it was my own. I snooped in the closets and the drawers of the heavy antique furniture. A need to seek out secrets that would reveal a past I had no knowledge of. Always certain there were mysteries to be discovered. My small hands trying on the collection of jewelry kept atop the dresser. Dreaming of the stories behind each piece as I admired the delicate details and was awed by the ones that sparkled as they caught the light.
So many nights I slipped into her bed, scared to be alone. The one time I kept her up into the wee hours as I sobbed for every hurt or lost person and animal in the world. My heart ready to explode from the grief it carried for injustices happening beyond my control.
It was that bed where she would lay me down with a heating pad to my ear in an attempt to dull the pain from the ache I was so prone to as a child. Her hand stroking my brow as soothing as the warmth from the pad. A framed copy of āAn Irish Blessingā hanging on the wall in my line of vision. I read it over and over again through the years. Later after she passed it would be the only thing I asked for.
The glass kitchen table with the flowered wrought iron frame…We all sat at it from time to time, but it was my Grandmotherās domain. It was where she smoked winston cigarettes while drinking her morning coffee, or sipping her nightly chablis. Itās where the Sunday crossword was done, where she wrote out her bills, and where she took her calls as she stretched the cord of the lemon yellow wall phone across the room. It was also where she sat passing the time and worrying all the evenings I stayed out too late.
Before the pull for excitement that called me out into the dark beyond the safety of my home, I was content to spend late nights in the living room. My grandmother and I watching PBS English comedies on the rabbit eared black and white tv.
The living room has a door leading outside. The yard where fragrant flowers bloom around stone fairy houses. At night with the light of a candleās flame flickering inside them they capture my imagination. During a backyard bbq I bite into an ear of sweet corn and lose my first tooth.
My bedroom has a flat roof outside the backyard facing windows. Sometimes I sit out on it. Iām not supposed to do this but, Iām drawn to the outside world. I see into my neighborās yards, I wonder about their lives. I watch spectacular sunsets over the the traffic on Gardinerās Ave. I never take that little flat space for granted.
It is that roof the boy I snuck in must jump off of after my Uncle Jimmy catches him in my room. My Uncle Jimmy who tries his best to be a father figure and guide me away from trouble. He is a soft and gentle man inside though he maintains a somewhat tough exterior. Our birthdays are a day apart. As a child I am sure this makes us connected in a special way. Maybe it did. Maybe it still does.
Across from my room is my Uncle Peterās room. 12 years old when I am born and in my young eyes a super cool big brother. There is a steady stream of long haired young men in denim jackets in and out of his room. The door typically remains shut. I hear happy voices and eruptions of laughter over the rock and roll that is always playing. I smell the familiar pungent scent.
Sometimes when no friends are over and he comes home with a new album he leaves the door open and lets me come in and sit. I am fascinated by the ticket stubs taped to his wall of every concert heās attended. I read their names and picture the music coming from the spinning black vinyl, being played in front of me on a stage. He introduces me to Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Who, The Doors, and so many more. This is a gift.
Those are some of the rooms at 26 Abbey Lane and these are all the people who shared that space with me. They are the earliest pieces of my memories and I am mixed up in theirs but, they have taken their memories with them.
Mimi has been gone since 1990. Uncle Jimmy was only 49 when he succumbed to the leukemia he had been fighting for the previous two years. It was just days before our birthdays when I had to say goodbye. Grammie slipped from this world to the next a decade ago already.
Now the veil between life and death grows thin once again, as I see them in my minds eye gathered around my Uncle Peterās bedside. He is too young to lay there looking so ravished. His wife should grow old with him. His daughters need him. His perfect new grandchild should be cooing in his arms, reaching up with tiny curious fingers to pull on his beard. The cancer doesnāt care about these things though and it is taking him whether we like it or not.
He is the last person left who was in that house with me. I want to shake him awake and say āremember when I brought home the black lab puppy from the neighbor and you made me bring it back, and then I went back the next day and said that my family changed their minds and I came home with it again?ā. We had that dog 17 years.
āRemember how when Mimi wanted us to turn the music down she banged on the ceiling with the broom?ā. āRemember what bad cooks Grammie and Mimi could be and all the mushy canned vegetables we ate?ā. āRemember when you and Uncle Jimmy got into a fist fight in the dining room?ā. Remember when you saw me wearing makeup for the first time and tried to tell me I was pretty without it and I looked ridiculous with all the orange blush and blue eye shadow?ā.
Weāve done this through the years when we get together. This retelling of tales creating our own personal sense of time travel. The shared memories of a life experienced within the walls of 26 Abbey Lane.
When I find myself in my old hometown I drive past 26 Abbey Lane. Her structure still stands though her face and shape has changed. The familiar bushes in front of the kitchen bay window gone. The path to the front door no longer gently winds around the light post with wrap around vines. Cars I do not recognize are in the driveway and I wonder if as this new family creates their memories, if somehow the house holds the lingering impressions of the life lived there during the years soon only I will be left to remember.
I made him a Long Island Ice Tea and he went home and told his mother he was going to marry the bartender. It was my first summer as a full time resident of the small east end community I had visited frequently in my youth.
As for this Long Island Ice Tea drinking customer, I wasnāt thinking about marrying him, but I was thinking about him.
He was 6ā1ā with braids and brown skin that glistened in the sun (<pretty sure I just inadvertently quoted a Don Henley song there), as he strolled up and took a stool at my waterfront, outside bar.
He left after that one drink and I immediately pumped his two sisters, who waitressed at the same establishment, for info about him. It was light hearted and not pursued after I learned he had a girlfriend.
I went on to have a fabulous summer fling with another local, which lasted beyond the season and finally ended just around the holidays.
It was at the employee Holiday party that, he who shall remain nameless from now until the end of time, reappeared on the scene. He also, had recently found himself single.
I took him home and he stayed. Thatās the long and short of it. My kids liked him instantly. He was funny, and easy enough to spend time with. It progressed so quickly.
I had assumed he was the older brother to the coworkers I had since become friends with, A short time later I learned I was mistaken and he was actually eleven years my junior. Upon hearing this I had said, and I quote…āoh well, itās not like Iām gonna marry himā….I was wrong.
In merely two months time from that fated holiday gathering, I would find we were expecting a child. My youngest of the 3 children I had being 7, I had not been planning to have more. However, when I saw the second line appear on the stick I held in my hand, I couldnāt help but be overcome with a rush of excitement and pure love, for the spec sized seed growing inside me.
His reaction was equally joyful and he vowed in that moment to always be there for me, my children, and ours.
Itās with great difficulty I write about these joyful recollections. Times in our early relationship that I was filled with love and hope. I donāt typically allow myself to recall the happiness, because of the shame it fills me with. The shame that stems from knowing that it was I, who not only allowed him into our lives, but willfully fought to keep him in them.
Just months into the pregnancy things began to change. I recognized the signs of active addiction and it brought all the chaos with it, it possibly could. There were fights, and tears, and cheating, and violence. Finally it was done, and I stepped into a future where I would continue as a single mother, now with an additional babe in arms.
He made it to the birth of our daughter and we briefly attempted to be a family. The attempt failed quickly. With him out of the picture, feeling alone and overwhelmed, I struggled with my own demons. I made questionable decisions and walked some dark paths.
I walked a road so dark, I found him on it. We hadnāt made it work in the light, but now in this shadowy world we came together and formed a twisted connection woven together with lies and betrayal.
I became unrecognizable to myself until one cold January morning, staring at my reflection, I saw a glimpse of the woman, the mother, who I used to be. She was still in there. And in that single moment of Grace, the lights, though dim at first, flickered back on.
I stepped out of the bleakness and back into the warmth of the sun. Once again my life evolved quickly and smoothly, somewhat seamlessly, as I fully embraced all that felt right. He joined me, and together, both he and I, as well as the four young lives on this ride with us, grew.
There was a wedding. A beautiful, simple, celebrated wedding. There was community. There was a church family to be joined, where we worshiped together, where we volunteered together. There were sports played and coached. There were family vacations and romantic couple getaways. There was continued education for all. There were good jobs and career paths. There was hope. There was a life.
Those are the highlights I held onto. That is what I knew the world saw and I desperately wanted that illusion to be real. I donāt mention the fights behind closed doors. The general uncomfortableness I felt so often. I wanted this perfect picture so badly, that I ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I pushed the dark, spreading dread down so deep, and polished up the shiny exterior. I exerted an enormous amount of energy into not only playing a part myself, but assisting him in pulling off his.
The biggest mistake of my life š¤
I dressed him up and fed him his lines. It took me a long time to admit this, but that is what I did. He completed the picture I had strived to create and I forced this jagged, misshapen piece into the puzzle of my life.
I like to think my motives were pure. My intentions good, but what is it they say…the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Ah yes, yes it is.
āHeās not the person I wouldāve chosen todayā…I uttered those words to a confidant many times as the years passed. And though I felt that way, I continued to honor my commitment to this man.
That changed on June 5th, 2013, as I innocently reached into his laptop case and unexpectedly pulled out two packages of condoms.
The confrontation was met with lies on top of lies. The days and weeks following were a systematical unraveling of what ultimately turned out to be a double life.
A double life that included secret email accounts, profiles on adult sites, eBay accounts on which items of value stolen from elderly customers of his handyman business, were sold. Low paid drug addicted employees on jobs were used in place of himself as he met with the women heād found on the aforementioned adult sites. And there was the drug and alcohol abuse, abuse that great lengths were gone to to hide.
He first moved out of our room and into the partially finished basement. The air hung heavy in the house. The pain and confusion so palpable. It was mid August by the time he moved out of the household. Bittersweet relief came with it.
A brief marriage counseling attempt only to be derailed by the uncovering of yet more lies. Then the introduction of a new family onto the scene.
His new girlfriend came as a complete package with a son and daughter. The daughter strikingly similar to our daughter. Enough so to inspire whispers and rumors. None ever substantiated. The announcement of a baby on the way in about as quick a time frame as he and I had found ourselves expecting our child. He had moved onto his ātake twoā.
The divorce was messy, expensive, and included a custody battle. A battle I fought with the tenacity of a mother who was willing to walk through fire to reach one of her children. The standard visitation rights he won, later completely abandoned as the final horrific truth of his masquerade was revealed a full four years after the veneer had first cracked.
On a summer day, as I was driving down the main road, my then 20 year old daughter, finally found the courage to blurt out the truth she had buried deep inside her years ago. A truth that four years earlier began to push its way to the top of her memories.
The struggle between remembering and forgetting led her on a path that included abandoning the NYC conservatory her talent had earned her a spot in, and inspired suicidal thoughts that required multiple stays in psychiatric hospitals.
With the unburdening of these truths she had carried alone revealed, the healing could begin, but first we had to break my youngest childās heart as we shared these harsh facts with her.
Her love for her sister strong, and guided by the support of a trusted therapist, she slipped right into a place of acceptance. As she had digested the information being told to her in a safe environment, neither her heart nor her head doubted the accuracy.
At 14 years old, my youngest daughter severed all ties with her father. Her childhood vision of the man she believed him to be had already been altered drastically in the previous years, and now the last of that illusion lay there quietly on the floor of the room we had all bravely spoken only truth in.
We went to the police and the police failed us. I wonāt say more than that, for to list all their shortcomings, is another post. Perhaps one better made in an opinion column of a national paper. That day may yet come. For now the focus remains the continued overcoming and rebuilding of ourselves.
Perhaps I could write you a long list of my own failings. Point out all the spaces in time I feel shame and regret for, but I choose not to dwell there, for me not at my strongest weakens our whole family structure. I rise above those failings, and I look beyond. I look at the strength and resilience I have played a part in fostering in these incredible young adults. The bond amongst them and myself. The course of our lives tethered together with a flourishing thick, sturdy vine impossible to sever. The momentarily strongest of us there to pick up the slack when another is at a weak spot. That is how we not just survive, but continue to grow.
This is why his continued attempts to destroy our peace fail. There are too many hurtful, spiteful actions he still to this day does to even bother to name, but his cruelties fall softly upon the floor of our lives, where we let them lay. Unaffected by them, they are ignored and flattened by our footsteps as we continue to stay the course and walk our path in the light.
āMiddle of the roadā < Iāve taken pride in using that phrase to describe my political position through the years. Iāve put down extremists both right and left. I wanted to be more open minded than that. I wanted to be fair and balanced and see all sides of things. Thatās a fucking cop out.
While I stand by the belief that things are rarely black and white, they are sometimes right or wrong.
Denying people basic human rights based on their sex, sexual preference, socioeconomic class, or the color of their skin = wrong.
The police repeatedly killing unarmed black people=wrong.
Presenting black on black crime as an argument in the fight against police brutality=gas lighting =wrong.
Saying āall lives matterā = so very fucking wrong! āAllā lives DONāT matter UNTIL BLACK LIVES MATTER TOO!!!
Whatās so hard to understand about that? Ask yourself why you need to find a loophole in a statement as simple as āblack lives matterā. Why canāt we say āblack lives matterā PERIOD. END OF STATEMENT.
Ok, let me back track…This touches on some of the things mentioned in my last post. Iāve always had strong beliefs. I always felt an internal pull toward what I believed at my core to be right.
Through some of my years, for reasons I wonāt get into now, I became disconnected from spiritual beliefs and practices, and whatever loving force it was that had guided me, was silenced. Or at least somewhat muted.
A little over 15 years ago I had an experience (the specifics of that I also wonāt get into right now) that created a clearly defined ābefore and afterā in the story of my life. While it may not be the only before/after moment I have experienced, it is probably one of, if not the most significant.
The āafterā part of said experience, led to that connection to a higher power being awakened. That in turn also led to turning the volume up on the inner voice that spoke to me of right and wrong.
>Enter social media< Now here I am coming back to life. My voice found. All my senses stimulated and opinions forming on everything. Oh good, and now I have a platform! Haha, I couldnāt wait to share my thoughts on all that I deemed important happening in the world. Especially politics. š¬
I was aghast to find out there were actually people in the world, in my community, no wait a second…in my own family…that didnāt see things the same as me.
Luckily they had me to educate them through articles, you tube videos, and the ever so clever memes. I was also sanctimonious enough to feel free to engage them in battle in the comment section of the things they themselves posted and was completely flabbergasted that no matter how hard I tried I couldnāt make them see the light.
*Lessons in humility…As I began to realize that among these people who didnāt view the world the same as me, were people I downright loved AND respected, I had to ask myself if perhaps I was missing something. That maybe my way of seeing things, wasnāt the only way. Interesting. I have to think about this.
Hmmm. So perhaps it is not my appointment in life to be an armchair warrior and make it my mission to strong arm these people into changing their opinions. Maybe, I should just live my life doing the next right thing, and accept people for who they are and where they are at.
Utilizing this tactic was not a bad idea in regard to many a topic. It worked well for a while, but like every other aspect of life, it requires balance. At some point I drifted over to apathy. For my own personal comfort it became easier and easier to be non confrontational, regardless of how strongly I believed something.
When does respecting others opinions and remaining quiet become signing off on the very thing you feel called to fight against. Where is the balance in that?
What do you do when you realize youāve been standing in the middle of the road by yourself. That the very people you were trying to remain neutral for, have never been neutral at all. They have clearly chosen a side and it is not the side, that in your heart, you are on.
How do you reevaluate some of the most important relationships in your life?
This post comes with no tidy wrap up. No simple solution. I leave it here, completely unfinished…
This post is days in the making. Words have been rattling around my head, unable to stay still long enough to fall into place. Just when I think Iāve pinned them down, the winds of change blow and they scatter like a pile of loose leaves.
While I find my place in this moment of time, this mind blowing, devastatingly horrific, but in many other ways long overdo moment in time, I pray to express myself as accurately as I possibly can.
I have lived a life. Itās been filled with many experiences. I have seen things both beautiful and ugly. I have felt joy and pain. Comfort and discomfort.
These are broad statements that I believe most anyone can identify with, but my ugly goes deep, my pain has gone deep, and the uncomfortable place I existed in for so long, felt like a prison Iād never escape.
Now if you read my last post it sounds as if I had a childhood of privilege, white or otherwise. In many ways I did, but like I said before, Iāve lived a life. Or maybe what I really meant to say was, Iāve lived many lives. Thatās probably more accurate.
This isnāt really a post to talk about my pain though, Iām just attempting to create a window into some of what played a part in creating the perspective I view the world with.
Again such a broad stroke of the brush…Iāve thrown myself into a vast sea of memories, creating ripples in all directions. Let me narrow it down. Let me talk about whatās on all our minds these days. Racism.
When I was 5 years old, in kindergarten, I only had one friend. His name was Louis and we played together during recess every day. One day my great grandmother had to pick me up early from school and walked out to the playground to fetch me. She found me playing on the monkey bars with Louis. I excitedly introduced her to my friend and though I canāt recall anything that may have been said, I somehow sensed her disapproval. I felt like Iād done something wrong. Louis was black. The only black child in our school.
Louis wasnāt there anymore come first grade and I didnāt see another black person in my town until high school. And even then it was only one brother and sister from the only black family in town. I didnāt make another friend who wasnāt white until I was a teenager dating a boy from a neighboring town whose best friend was Puerto Rican. Jose and I became close friends. He was a kind, caring, protective friend. One day he came to my town and my grandmother met him. Again I sensed that unspoken disapproval.
The women who raised me werenāt hateful women, yet they supported systemic racism. I heard the conversations where it was mentioned that the town I lived in was built after World War II for the returning G.I.ās. For the white ones that is, they flat out wouldnāt sell to āblacksā. That was just the facts. Iād also heard it said that the early bridges on the parkways had purposely been built low to prevent the busses coming in from the city. The busses coming from the city would be carrying āblacksā.
These were accepted truths of the seventies, the civil rights movement only the decade before. People of color were still very much being kept separate and so very far from equal.
Even in memories of my young years, something inside me knew to push against that line of thinking. Somewhere other subconscious influences were at work. Iām sure some peace, love, and flower power seeds had been planted in my psyche as well. The sad truth was, I just simply didnāt have much exposure to diversity for many years.
Fortunately for me, Iāve always been a seeker. A seeker of experiences, and that need to experience the world, opened up a world where I met all different kinds of people. Not all the experiences I sought out were good, and not all brought me pleasure. The places I went and people I met have not always been safe or smart choices. Iāve learned from them all though. I never remained in the protective bubble of a hometown where everyone looked like me, and that shaped me in ways and gave me insights in ways nothing else could have.
Fast forward to twenty years ago when I arrived in my current hometown. A special little spot on the end of an island, different from the rest of it. A place I had childhood ties to and somewhere in my heart I always knew Iād return.
I say hometown, but in reality it is a handful of idyllic small towns that together create a unique community. It is largely white, with the exception of one of the small seaside towns being extremely diverse. While it has seen itās share of strained race relations through the years, struggles with an all white police force, and some stand alone incidents that scream bias, there is also the connections that grow between people who share lifelong experiences together through the years. This town is special, and itās always been ahead of itself in the learning to live side by side with our fellow humans department. I truly believe this.
Ahh, but as I said this is only one little town amongst the several that make up the area. The rest being as white and privileged as can be. Where all their neighbors look just like them and while theyād never dream of using the āNā word, they sometimes when speaking of racial issues let a āthose peopleā slip out.
Twenty years ago when I moved here I moved smack into one of their lily white neighborhoods. Myself and my three small children were welcomed and embraced. I lived there peacefully for months, I donāt think my neighbors had even noticed I started dating a black man from the town next door. They noticed when I invited his family over for a 4th of July bbq though. They noticed the black children splashing in the waters edge at the dead end private beach we had access to living in that neighborhood. They noticed and they didnāt like it.
These same people that had welcomed me, now held angry secret conversations and pressed the women who had rented to me to get me out. What ensued would become a battle involving the townās āAnti Bias Task Forceā and eventually resulted in the homeowners selling the property they had inherited from their parents, to avoid any further issues.
The long and short of it, I was removed from a neighborhood for unnecessary blackness. My first time being personally, negatively impacted by racism.
Through these last twenty years I have continued to call this place home. I take pride in both the natural beauty of where I live and the strong community ties I have created. This is a good place. People do care about each other and I have witnessed many examples that highlight that good.
Clearly though, itās not perfect. I also have had further experiences of not just racism, but sexism, and classism as well. Injustice sucks. Feeling oppressed sucks. However the truth of the matter is I donāt have to wear it for the whole world to see. The color of my skin allows me the ability to shake it off and blend in. I also donāt have 400 years of oppression weighing me down as I try to move through this world. So I am aware this is a small comparison.
The weight of what i did carry though was heavy enough to grow tired. Tired enough to take advantage of the privilege my fair skin offered me, especially after a nasty divorce from my black husband. I quietly blended in amongst my neighbors and let go of any fight I had left in me.
Iāve enjoyed the peace that has allowed me. I live a beautiful life today, free to touch and taste all that is good. I do not take this for granted. I moved quietly amongst my neighbors, doing nothing to disrupt the tranquility of this beautiful place.
The women of this community are my peers. They are the motherās of my childrenās friends and schoolmates. They came to know me from meetings, and field trips, and fundraisers, and gatherings out and about town. They have treated me nicely, and it feels good to be accepted and fit in. The majority of these women, like myself, are white.
One summer I was included in a group text of about 15 of these women, meant to be used to let us all know who was at what local beach. The group took on a life of its own. Beyond meeting up for beach days, we began to celebrate birthdays together, and do an annual Christmas party. We shared about things happening in our lives and celebrated the good and showed one another support through the bad.
I became closer to some and some I associated with strictly through the group. Some personalities I found a little jarring, and several had opposing political views, but overall these were good women. They saw the world from their own perspectives, because thatās what we all tend to do.
I donāt regret creating friendships with people who see things differently from me, what I regret is not feeling confident enough to speak my own truths when I vehemently disagreed with turns the conversation would occasionally take.
I began to tell myself that āquietlyā stating my own beliefs and living my life āappropriatelyā was enough. I bought into ālive and let liveā, which I suppose could be fine if we were all living on an even playing field. We are not. Plain and simple, we are not.
In 8 minutes and 46 seconds I awakened to the realization that silence IS violence. That injustice for one is injustice for all. That I have a need and a desire to be a part of this moment. That this moment can slip away if we donāt fight for change with all weāve got, and that means not remaining silent as I read the words āthugsā and āanimalsā being spoken amongst this group of women. Some who canāt help but counter āblack lives matterā with āall or blue lives matterā.
These are not my people. And that is not the conversation I want to be a part of. So on Tuesday night, when one shared the information in regard to the local protest scheduled for the following day and some began to express frustration with āthose peopleā, and a couple spoke disparagingly of the young man who organized this call to action, I could not remain a silent observer any longer.
āI will be thereā is the last thing I typed before removing myself from the group text I had been a part of for years. āDeanna has left the conversation. Tuesday 10:02ā .
My silence, while remaining in that conversation spoke of who I didnāt want to be. My leaving it screamed loudly of who I hope to become.
I have since protested side by side with my biracial daughter, who struggles to find her place in this world, as people tell her āyouāre lucky you look whiteā. I am watching my adult daughters living in different areas approach this with a fierceness that serves to fuel the fire in my own heart. While one is on top of providing information to change legislation, how to educate yourself on who to vote for if itās change you want, and grassroot initiatives to begin disassembling systemic racism in America, the other is ready to burn shit down. She has deemed herself a medic, packing supplies and heading to the front lines of large scale protests, ready to help whoever is in need. She also has donated generously to causes that support the movement. Both angry. Both passionate. Both necessary.
No justice. No peace. Change is painful, and this country needs change. I will not speak on condemning protesterās violence or on how pointless looting and rioting is, when the police are responding to protests AGAINST police brutality, by engaging in police brutality. I will not speak on anything but the cause that has set these current events in motion. You donāt like this violence? Letās stop the violence that is police brutality. Letās stop seeing the color of someoneās skin as a weapon. When a large black man is seen as a threat before anything has even happened, what chance is there for peace?
When a man can be lynched on a street in broad daylight, by four uniformed officers, as onlookers film it and those who attempt to intervene are threatened with mace, I will not quietly stand by and listen to āwell thatās awful but people rioting and looting has to stopā. How about āpeople rioting and looting is awful, but police killing unarmed black people has to stopā.
George Floyd is only one in a long list of names we should be saying, but it his name that is the straw that broke the camelās back. It is his face, painted in murals around the world, that is sparking a revolution. This can not continue. We must rise together and fight against these killings. This is not black peopleās fight. This is humanityās fight. There is a knee on the neck of humanity and WE CANāT BREATHE!!!
Yesterday I went to the local market, checking out at the same time as me, was a woman I knew from around town. We are not friends, but our paths have crossed through the years. I knew her daughter was one of the strong, incredibly inspiring speakers at the protest I attended the day before. As we both headed out the door I stopped her to say how proud she should be of the leader her daughter has emerged to be.
She thanked me, and we continued to walk in the same direction. She is a black woman the same age as me. In the span of those few blocks we spoke of our children, some of our hopes and fears for them, and how sick we are of whatās happening in the world. We parted ways with a āstay safe out thereā to each other.
It was both a simple, yet profound short walk. I reflected on the āconversationā I had recently left and thought how I didnāt leave that conversation to stay silent. I left it to be a loud unapologetic voice against racism.
I implore you not to let this moment pass. Donāt just repost short clips or quotes, without knowing the whole context. Follow black influencers on social media. Follow accounts that are fighting for change. Read black literature. Learn the history. Black history in America is American history. We need to educate ourselves and we need to vote. Know what your legislators support. Get involved with local politics. Speak up when you witness racism. Walk and talk with people who donāt look like you, and stand beside them and fight for a better world.
āThere comes a time when silence is betrayal.ā ~Martin Luther King Jr.
I know when I shared my āNo really, Iām Italianā post, I left off with a teaser for what would be part two of my dna tales. Then my ex-wedding anniversary rolled around (2nd marriage for those keeping count of marriages I mention in posts), which brought with it several years worth of fb āon this dayā memories. My favorite being the eulogy I wrote on behalf of the family betta fish who perished on what was technically (we were still married that year, though estranged) anniversary number ten. I decided it was too fun not to share, so that interrupted my flow.
Now I could easily get on with it and deliver the sequel in this post, but with it being Memorial Day Weekend (the unofficial start of summer season) and having spent some recent quality off season time in Montauk, I have something else on my mind.
All these lovely new Montauk memories Iāve made lately, have me fondly recalling Montauk memories from long ago, as well as other memories by the sea. They are the best part of my childhood, and my grandmother is all wrapped up in them. Thatās what I feel like writing about today.
In reality I was a little landlocked in the middle class suburban town I was being raised in, but that didnāt stop us from making some seaside memories. Luckily I had a grandmother and great grandmother who were quick to load up a car and head for the shore.
Trips to Montauk were a favorite, hence what kicked off this trip down memory lane. They consisted of day trips to the lighthouse with a stop for lunch, or weekend getaways to a small beachside motel, to the more luxurious pampering of Gurneys. In season or off season, this was where my problems ceased to exist. This is where it was easy to stay in the moment. The good, beautiful, safe moments.
Montauk was not the only seaside escape though, there was the more exotic travel to Aruba. I was a tall for my age, well developed 14 year old, so often uncomfortable in my own skin, but here I stood confidently. Ernesto the pool boy flirted with me. I hopped a private plane for a day trip to Bonaire, where I snorkeled and dined surrounded by flamingos. I sipped virgin pina coladas and danced under the stars to Lionel Richieās All Night Long, my insecurities a million miles away.
Flying to Bonaire for the day šGrammie in Aruba
Perhaps my favorite though, long before the tween Montauk escapes, or the teenage journey to the A-B-C islands in the Caribbean Sea, were the trips which required the least travel time. Jones Beach.
A long ago seashell collection š
Now I may not have technically lived in a beach town, ātechnicallyā <haha, it just straight up wasnāt a beach town….but fortunately, Jones beach was a hop, skip, & a jump away!
Far enough to plan, pack, and spend the whole day there, but close enough to jump in the car on a whim and drive during a storm, just to watch (from a safe distance) the wild waves crashing on the shore.
I was merely a young child, yet the power the sea possessed was not lost on me. Even on the hottest of summer days, when everyone flocked to the beach and gathered in the water to seek relief from the unrelenting sun beating down, I knew what the ocean could do.
I waded out a little further and then just a little bit further. I bravely stood my ground as the waves rolled toward me. Sometimes I would jump at just the right moment and Iād gently ride the wave up and down. Sometimes Iād brace myself as it washed over me, and as much as I tried to dig my feet in, that wave would knock me right on my ass. There would be moments of panic…A blur of confusion, some salt water swallowed, seaweed and sand in uncomfortable places. Sometimes Iād barely get my head above water before the next wave knocked me down again.
After a while, when it became too much, Iād crawl exhausted to the safety of the shore. Iād make my way back to my grandmother, and our blanket. There I would rest and relax, until feeling up to venturing back to the shoreās edge. āStay where the lifeguard can see you, and remember where I amā she would say, as I set off once again toward the unpredictable sea.
These earliest seaside memories are what I would later recall as life lessons when times got rough and I felt tossed about. Years after she was gone, it was the image of my beautiful, sun kissed grandmother on her beach blanket, arms extended toward me, that I would meditate on when I didnāt know what else to do.
Even physically gone, she serves as my refuge when life knocks me around to the point of making it difficult to catch my breath, and leaves me a little confused and uncomfortable. āStay where the lifeguard can see you, and remember where I amā, I can hear her say.
And just as her memory serves as a port in a storm, she is as much in the delicate sea breeze that gently kissed my cheek during the recent joyful days making new memories in Montauk.
Making memories in Montauk with a sailor āļø
Wishing everyone a 2020 season of making some new happy seaside stories of your own.
No really, Iām Italian, is a phrase Iāve repeated more times than I could ever count. The reason this statement had to be repeatedly stated was due to the disbelief one would express upon hearing it from me the first time I would say, āIām Italianā.
Blonde hair, green eyes, alabaster skin, with freckles…āIām Italianā.
Ok, ok, I get where it might seem unlikely, but then I would explain that my motherās mother was the product of a German mother and English father, and my fatherās mother was English as well, therefore accounting for the light hair, skin, and eyes. I would go on to further explain that both my fatherās father and motherās father were as Italian as can be.
While I may have been born with features from the one side, I truly believed with the male line so strong, my personality favored the Italian side. I was certain my hair trigger temper, and animated way of speaking, proved this point.
So there you have it…No really, Iām Italian.
Happiness is a gelato in Little Italy š®š¹
Fast forward to my approaching 50th birthday. In an attempt to avoid any well meaning surprise parties, decorated with āover the hillā banners and gag gifts, I thought letās have an adventure worthy of marking such a significant milestone.
Now I already told you my half time theory in my other post, so what better place to celebrate the new beginning of my 2nd half of life, than getting in touch with my roots on a solo European journey.
Obviously Italy it is! Also I figured England. I chose these two since I have ancestors on both sides from these places and feel the most connected to these nationalities. Germany would have to wait. Brilliant! All thatās left to do is narrow down where exactly I should visit in these two countries. Iād like to get as close to my actual roots as possible. A real full circle kind of experience.
To assist me in pinpointing locations I may have an ancestral connection to, my oldest daughter thought it would be fun to send an early Christmas gift …ancestry dna…what a great idea!
I spit in the tube, filled out the label, and mailed it off promptly. A few weeks later I would really experience the full impact of my daughterās gift.
It was 1am in a midtown Manhattan diner, and I was about to dig into some cheesy fries, as I got the ping ~ your results are in~ āmy results are inā I loudly shared with anyone within earshot.
My last night being Italian
I pulled them up and began to read, my friend across from me waiting to hear, along with the waiter, and surrounding tables.. just like I thought, pretty much a three way split of nationalities….the smallest slice of the pie, German. Then a considerable sized piece of English. And my biggest slice…Irish. Wait. What?! Whereās my Italian?
āWhereās my Italian?ā became the $100 question. It turned into a lively debate amongst the staff and fellow patrons about the accuracy of these tests. As well as inspired dna result tales of what happened to friends of friends and so forth. I thought there must be an explanation. I mean, clearly Iām Italian…Right?
āļøIrish girlāļø
Not being able to grasp a quick reasonable explanation, but truly believing there must be one, I dramatically, and rather playfully, resorted to the most obviously scandalous, and declared āmy whole life a lieā. I then proceeded to share that revelation with the Uber driver, the hotel doorman, and the folks in the elevator on the way up to my floor.
When I woke that morning, my first thought was (you guessed it), āwhereās my Italianā. I grabbed my phone, pulled up the ancestry dna app, and gave things a more thorough review. It turns out that aside from the breakdown of your dna story, ancestry also provides you with dna matches. I had been vaguely aware of this, and knew to expect a ton of 4th and 5th cousin matches.
As I read about how relationships are measured and what categories they fell into, I realized that amongst this long list of unfamiliar names, were matches with so many centimorgans between myself and them they fell into the half sibling, first cousin, and aunt & uncle ranges.
Time for answers. Time to call my Aunt Holly…my teller of truths, the one person I could always count on to give me the straight story! From my earliest questions of trying to figure out the family dynamics, to where do babies come from, to any taboo topic that fell under the category of āthings you want to know but are too embarrassed to askā, she was my go to.
I was in Penn Station waiting for my train by the time I got in touch with her. She was, as always, very matter of fact. āWhat could this possibly mean?ā, I asked her as I finished the dna results tale from the evening before. āWell, Deanna..itās obvious what it means!ā, was her response.
And just like that I realized my hot blooded (so called Italian) temper and fast talking ways, actually were attributed to my being the fighting Irish and having the gift of gab…hmmm…now a lot makes sense. Including these green eyes and freckles.
I reached out to my closest match, a female about ten years younger than me, and between her responses to my questions and the memories of the past my aunt shared, I began to piece together the story of my paternity. By the time I pulled into my train station, I didnāt just have an Italian dad, I had a bonus Irish dad…and the latter came along with an additional six siblings. Add them to the baby sis mom blessed me with, who I always knew about (wellll…almost always knew, she was about three, I was about 10…I can explain, another time though) and Iām now one of eight! Well this is unexpected.
Fun fact…four were younger, but two were (barely) older! While the younger four were products of my fatherās marriage with his eventual life long wife (I should mention he passed away three years prior to my discovery) and presumably āsettled downā years, myself and the older two were all born to teen moms, impregnated over the course of a year. Two of us he was never aware of, and one mom he married. However the young marriage dissolved fairly quickly.
Alrighty then, this isnāt too weird. Oh wait, it gets weirder. He spent his whole life a town away and raised those four half siblings, 3 sisters and a brother there. A town I frequented regularly. Some might say they were my old stomping grounds. Dammmn did I stomp them grounds!
Canāt get much weirder than that. Right? Oh but it can…My oldest sister was raised in another neighboring town. Well most of the time, you know, except when she was living in the SAME town!! Like come on now, seriously!
Basically the only sibling not running around the same hood, was my brand new big brother, whose teen mom was a hippy chick flitting through town. She was in a far away state by the time she realized her mother-to-be condition, and gave him up for adoption, which landed him smack in the middle of the mid west.
So why did my mom not name daddy dearest and instead provided me with just enough info to mange to track down Italian dad, as an angsty teen? I believe bio Irish dad was just a one time, hazy, backseat memory and my own hippy dippy mom thought she couldnāt possibly be wrong claiming I belonged to the 19 year old musician sheād actually been dating for months. In all fairness this was the end of the sixties…ānuff said.
Not wanting to throw Italian dad under the bus, I should explain the reason for him needing to be tracked down 14 years after my birth is not a reflection of his unwillingness to participate in my arrival on this earth. It is however a story for another day. Not only because I should resist the urge to veer off on a side story, but also because it is a story worthy of standing on its own and deserves to be told independent from this dna debacle tale.
Spoiler alert though..it has a happy ending. Kind of canāt help but give that part of that story up when I mention during this part of this story, that the hardest part of this whole experience was having to tell Italian dad about Irish dad.
My Dad š
What happened when I did, you ask…I received, hands down, some of the best parenting I ever received in my life. He said everything that the one time abandoned, repeatedly rejected, uncertain of her place in this world child, that sometimes still lives inside me, needed to hear. And for that I will be forever grateful.
The new sibs…A stand on its own story if ever there was one! More shall most certainly be revealed, but for now I will say that with some the relationships have progressed farther and faster than others, and some are completely resistant to anything at all. Regardless of how fast or slow the bond is forming, with each one Iāve met, I feel a connection. A connection to them, and to their children. These are my people and Iām so grateful to know them or at least know theyāre out there.
Speaking of my people, thereās been some changes to my birthday itinerary…. Goodbye Italy and hello Ireland. Goodbye solo adventure, and hello a few new siblings trip!
Wow, that was a lot to come out of one little dna test. Ohhhh, but wait just a stinking minute!! Didnāt I say my grandfather on my motherās side was all Italian? Shouldnāt that count for something? Hmmm….I guess thereās a part two coming in the next blog post and it obviously starts with the question, āwhereās my Italian?ā! š
Itās Motherās Day weekend and Iām thinking about my mothers…Iāve had grands, and greats, and almost adopted, steps, and in-laws, and like a mom mothers, but I never had a Mommy, not even a Mama or a Ma.
Oh well, canāt waste my time longing for what never was, nor will ever be. Luckily I did have a Grammie and a Mimi to step up and in when my 17 year old āmomā dipped.
Me sitting with Mimi. My cousin Heather in front.
Mimi, who was 5ā nothing with big boobs and a tiny waist, was born in 1900 to German immigrants. She was one of a kind and she was Grammieās mother. Grammie, who had her proper Englishman fatherās height and clear blue eyes, but Mimiās wild head of curls and stubborn streak, was my motherās mother.
My Grandmother through the years
These are the two most influential women in my world. Itās because of them I know that even though sometimes mothers leave (and come back, and leave again, and so on), that sometimes people who say they love you, stay. Itās because of them I know that unconditional love is a real thing. They softened and smoothed the rough edges left by the carelessness of others.
It was the beginning of the summer of 1990, Mimi and I were having lunch in the backyard when I saw her hand begin to shake. I asked her what was wrong and she tried to say nothing. The shaking grew more violent and spread up her arm, her fingers uncontrollably twisted around the rosary beads she prayed on regularly, and almost always held.
She was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor and remained in the hospital until summerās end, passing away just weeks after I gave birth to my first child. So grateful for the just shy of twenty years I had her in my life.
Grammie remained my constant. She was there to celebrate every joy, and ease what burdens she could. She loved me at times, both in childhood and adulthood, when I was not very lovable. I thought sheād always be there. It seemed impossible there would come a time she wasnāt.
Visiting Grammie in the hospital 1996
And then came the beginning of the end. The āendā spanned ten years. From diagnosis, down to the final days, I observed this woman of strength and dignity surrender the things she could no longer enjoy and accept the next phase with a graceful ease.
I was the lucky one. It was that last Friday evening I was alone with her that she experienced what hospice commonly refers to as the rally. For the last several weeks she had either been withdrawn, not speaking at all, or agitated and picking at the bed sheets nervously. Tonight was different as she sat up straight in her bed, pillows propped comfortably around her. Her pale blue eyes, that always so easily betrayed her emotion, whether it was with a flash of anger, or a deep sadness that could break your heart if you looked too long, now sparkled with life I hadnāt seen in months.
I had brought along a writing assignment to work on as I sat at her bedside, since typically her interaction was so minimal. This night she had surprised me when she turned to me and asked what I was doing. I explained the premise of the piece and then read it to her. It was personal and spoke of regrets and accountability and the gratitude to move forward and do better. She listened intently, and with a gentleness about her not frequently witnessed by many, she assured me of her love and pride in who I had become. Then much to my surprise she asked me to pray with her. As I held her hand in mine, I leaned over and laid my head on her chest. Together we said The Lordās Prayer. With her free hand she smoothed the hair back off my forehead in a comforting gesture that took me back to childhood.
Afterwards we spoke of that childhood and many of the happy memories it held. From the exotic travels she took me on, to the simplicity of laying on our backs Christmas Eve watching the patterns dance across the ceiling from the twinkling tree lights. We laughed belly laughs about things that only we thought were funny, the inside jokes that stemmed from a life experienced together.
As it grew later and she was becoming tired, she occasionally glanced towards the corner, once asking me who the people over there were. I assured her it was only the light playing tricks with the shadows. I could see the energy draining from her and I was exhausted as well. I laid her bed back to the reclined position and readjusted her pillows. I tucked the blankets around her with care and pressed my lips to her forehead. I lingered there a second and appreciated the moment of connection, the sense of being grounded. As I pulled back I looked at her and realized she had always been what grounded me. I touched her face gently and I thanked her.
That was the last time she ever spoke. She slipped into a catatonic state and by Sunday I received the call telling me she had begun the active phase of dying. That’s how specifically hospice can break it down for you. They suggested the process could be anywhere from a few hours to a day or two.
I was in the garden with my youngest child when I took the call. “Do you have to go now?” She asked me as I hung up the phone. I gathered my thoughts as I looked around at the flats of pansies waiting to be planted, “no” I said “In a little bit, but not now”. Other family members were at my grandmotherās bedside now and I needed to be where I was, present in this moment out in the sun with Tia, our hands in the dirt. It was through participating in this springtime ritual of living I would gather the strength needed to be present for the dying.
The hospice nurse gave us instructions on how to proceed in caring for Grammie in these final hours. Once she had left, only myself, my Aunt Holly, cousin Haley, and my mother remained. Usual differences placed aside and each woman’s desire to be there for their own personal reasons respected by the others.
The hours stretched out and rolled into the next day. It seemed fitting that the sky was gray and subject to occasional downpours. I had put music on in her room from the big band era she loved, and my tears began to quietly fall as I sang along softly with āTill We Meet Again.
We had been taking turns sitting bedside, however as longer stretches elapsed between the breathes she struggled to take, we had all gathered around to say our final goodbyes. I sat to her right and held onto her hand. Eventually no more breathes came and within moments her skin grew cool to the touch. She was gone. Death had come quietly. She left this world with the same calm, dignified strength, by which she had lived. I glanced toward the corner and thought to myself that perhaps just as we had surrounded her to bid farewell, Mimi and the others were now welcoming her.
It is with so much love and gratitude that I wish a Happy Motherās Day to my Grammie & Mimi, who Iām sure are together again, and never really too far from me.
Ok, so I referred to my second post as my āintroductoryā, however the only thing I ever really introduced was the blog ideas I wonāt be doing.
Next in an attempt to actually introduce myself, I somehow got the bright idea to start in the beginning ….as in the beginningest beginning possible …cue pregnant teen mom, her tale of woe, leading into my own twisted toddler years…Some really fun tales indeed, but upon giving it some actual consideration, this is not where I want to narrate some linear unfolding of my life story. So, three additional posts in, with a quick ādelete, delete, deleteā, here we are again.
I am banking on the fact that this is a brand new blog, which I havenāt even taken the time to complete my website for, and the chances of it getting more than a visit or two, are super slim. Those who are passing through, thanks so much for that and you are the witnesses to my early on, ever changing whims. The hope is that I will eventually hit a groove, and perhaps crank out something consistent, in the form of at least mildly entertaining. I find myself mildly entertaining on a regular basis, so hereās to translating that via an online blog. Haha, probably easier said than done. But we shall see…
Ok, so introducing myself for real…You can call me Dee Dee, or Dee, itās short for Deanna. I spent years trying to shake the nickname Dee Dee, and now here I am, in middle age, embracing it. Ahhh, middle age…yup, thatās where Iām at. Iāve always said I believed Iād live to be at least 100, and I still believe it. Now that Iām fast approaching my 50th birthday (and I do mean fast, ātime fliesā is a factual statement), I truly consider it the midlife mark. All good though…so what if Iām in the senior years of my first half of life, Iām about to be in the infancy of my second half! And the awesome thing is, I DO KNOW NOW, what Iād wished Iād known then! Something tells me this is gonna be fun.
I get it, I know thereās all this society pressure on women that shames us into hating ourselves for getting older, that youth is the prize, but in regard to that I say…oh please, eff that!!
Iām plenty young. Iām young in all the ways that matter most. Iāve got tons more to learn, to see, to experience. I wasnāt always this young though. You know when I was old? When I was 25. I was so old then. I would look in the mirror and see the beginnings of fine lines around my eyes, and bags underneath them. The lines forming around my mouth, exaggerated with every drag of the cigarettes I chain smoked.
At 25 I had three children under the age of 5, the oldest with special needs, a crappy marriage < sorry to my ex for writing it like that, if you ever happen to read this. I mean really, I accept a lot of the responsibility for the ācrappyā part.
When I wasnāt busy trying to embrace the role of wife and mother (key word ātryingā), I waitressed and bartended. I was a slave to addictive behaviors that popped up in a multitude of ways and I was basically bluffing my way through life. Damn, that exhausted me to the point of numb. Yeah, I was old.
Now just about double that age, add in a shit ton of life experience, self discovery through both bad choices and good, and today you have me…A happy, fairly well adjusted, life loving, youthful woman. Today I show up and actually am the things I present myself to be. I am a mother. I am a marina manager. I am a friend who has incredible friends. I am a partner in a relationship. I am a lover of things that feed my soul, and excite my senses, from the music I listen to, to the places I travel, to the coffee I drink. I am so mutha f*ckinā alive today, and I feel the good and the bad, with an intensity far superior to the anesthetic numbness I embraced during those early years when I was old.
And that my (hopefully thereās a couple of you) readers, is a brief synopsis of my story thus far. Thereās so much more to tell though…because you know, the devil is in the details…š
So this will technically appear as my second post, but in reality it is my third. It should really have been my first. My introductory if you will. Iāve never been one for doing things in order.
I have contemplated a blog for quite a while now. I did one a few years back. It was fun and successful, but that is because it was on a specific event and to a targeted audience. I was a lay person on a medical mission team. We traveled to Ecuador and stayed in a remote Amazonian village, Guadalupe. While there we used the local clinic, along with a box truck converted to a mobile operating room, to perform many relatively simple procedures. Gallbladders, Goiters, etc. I was allowed to scrub in, I held the hands of nervous patients, I was taught to pass without contaminating, I helped in any way I could. I was given the opportunity to be the proverbial fly on the wall listening to some of the most brilliant medical minds of our time, discuss future planned advancements in their mission work. Truly an incredible experience. Definitely one worth writing about.
Enough about that though. That was then, this is now. Iāve done some local mission work since, but none that has taken me out of the country. I had always planned on eventually traveling to Africa to continue that particular journey, but for now life has stalled that plan. Perhaps someday, never say never. When and if I do, I will no doubt write about it, however past trips and possible future trips, does not provide me something current to write about today. So, back to blog ideas for the present time.
One, positively brilliant-if I do say so myself, idea I had for a blog, was what I would have called… āJadeās jaded adventures in Wonderlandā…it would have been a chronicle of my tinder date experiences. Fun, fun!
Several years ago I went through what was a pretty horrific divorce. There I was in my early forties thrown back into the single girl world. Suffice it to say things had changed a lot since I had dated last and I was not only terribly out of practice, but a little knocked around emotionally from the level of betrayal I had experienced. Well, might as well jump into the dating pool with both feet. I quickly learned that nobody seemed to meet organically anymore. I downloaded the trending app, chose some pictures I thought were not only flattering, but represented my well rounded lifestyle and wrote a brief bio introducing myself to the online dating world.
I would soon come to find that the tinder men fell in two camps…1-looking for a āhook-upā or 2-looking for āthe oneā. Falling somewhere in between that myself, I erased my bio and changed to the tag line āI have no plan beyond coffeeā. And that was the truth!
Oh the stories I have. Every blog post would be the details of a date in all its sitcom worthy awkwardness. Sometimes I could hear the laugh track in my mind. A select few made it to a second date, but a third was elusive. I occasionally accepted one, but would later bail. Good times!
Well, look at that, Iām back in the past again talking about what I couldāve done! Obviously I never did get around to putting pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard, on that idea. And eventually a planned third date was kept. That gave way to a fourth and fifth and then the weeks rolled into months. Before I knew it, I had found myself in a relationship. There goes that blog idea.
So, my first post divorce relationship…almost three years of on and off again drama. Teenage angst in midlife never looked so good. Heās a story that might be worth telling, but I havenāt found my words yet. It was a complex connection, one that would take more space than I have here to explain. For now he shall stay privately tucked away and placed in a safe spot, maybe to be looked at later on another platform. Weāll see.
Back to the Mermaid inspiration for this blog…I live in a small seaside community. I have always felt drawn to the water for as far back as I can remember, and not only am I a stones throw from it at all times here in my hometown, but my current career consists of my being surrounded by boats, beach, and the sea. What a place to call your office. Resisting the urge to say āhashtag blessedā right now. < corny, I know! I am though…blessed that is. While individual details of my life, standing on their own as a singular experience, may look particularly challenging, I have been gifted with the Grace to see the good side of most things. The beauty in moments. I live a life I like, and Iām as happy alone as I am with a partner. As a matter of fact, I was beginning to think maybe even more so being alone.
Ahhh, but then it happened. This local boy sailed into my life, and everything changed. He was a fine sailor, who had been right under my nose. I didnāt find him on an app. I didnāt resist a second or third date with him. This sailor is far from perfect, but perfect enough for me. He is the sailor who I wrote of in my second, now deleted, post on this blog.
Why did I delete it? It was too out of order, even for me. And it was a sweet, personal memory. Not one to be shared from a place of hostile retaliation directed toward a past lover of his. It is real, and true, and mine to be held near to my heart always. When and if I share the tale, as it is my story to tell, it will be from a place purely of fond recall.
Now, about this past lover of his, enter āthe mermaidā…yes, she fancies herself a mermaid, hence my previous mermaid hating post. Now Iām not usually the sort to display, or even have, such animosity toward an ex lover of my current lover. This one however, warrants an exception. Aside from mentioning that I landed here in WordPress due to her creative tagging of my boyfriend in some outlandish blog posts, I shall not use this time and space to shout out her list of atrocities, Iām just going to ask you to take my word for it.
As previously mentioned, being a lover of the sea, I am also a lover of the creatures that dwell in it. Seahorses hold a particular fascination. While their appearance seems almost magical enough to be as mythical as a mermaid, they are in fact real. Aside from being fascinating in all the very factual ways they are, the mythology behind them is equally delightful. As highlighted in that previous post the folklore between Seahorses and mermaids stands in sharp contrast to each other. It doesnāt take any deep pondering to see the points I am making there.
There you have it. I was upset with a meddling mermaid and took to a safe outlet to express my frustrations. I wrote a silly story, as opposed to acting out in any other way. In doing so, I was reminded how right it feels to express myself through the written word. I donāt lay claim to being any great writer, the next Hemingway I am not, but I can string together some words in a cohesive thought pattern to tell a story. Oh, and Iāve got stories…
If anybody stops by to read this, and hasnāt been bored to tears already, please stop by to read my next post. I have new ideas brewing for the direction of this blog. Not a one having to do with mermaids. I do owe her a debt of gratitude though for the inspiration. I guess itās true, inspiration can be found in the damnedest of places…
When we think of mermaids we tend to think of Disneyās sweet Ariel. She is as kind and good as she is beautiful. She saves a drowning sailor and falls in love with him as she does so. She loves him so deeply that she is willing to sacrifice anything for them to be together…ahhh true love…but, yeah…no. That is not an accurate depiction of long standing folklore. In fact, it is the total opposite.
Mermaids are bad luck to sailors. To glimpse one is an omen of danger. To actually interact with one can mean doom. They summon the storms that cause ship wrecks, they drown sailors and trap them in an underworld where they are treated as slaves. The mermaid may initially appear as beautiful. They hide behind long flowing hair and a siren song, but upon closer observation they reveal their true form. They are hideous monsters. Their ugliness matching their horrific intentions.
Luckily there are Seahorses. The Seahorse is a magical, unique creature. They are powerful. Sacred to Poseidon. Greek mythology tells us that it is the Seahorse that keeps the sailors safe, and who stays by the side of a drowned sailor to accompany him from one world to the next, assuring he meets no further harm along the way. Now that sounds like true love.
Many ancient cultures connected the Seahorse with various Divine beings. In Rome and Greece, for example, the Seahorse was sacred to Poseidon and Neptune, potent sea gods. As a result, one of the keynote meanings for Seahorse is one of power and authority, particularly in matters of emotion and intuition because of the Water Element involved.
With all that in mind, itās no wonder that as much as mermaids are bad luck to sailors, the Seahorse is the ultimate symbol of good luck for a sailor.
Seahorses and Sunflowers š» 