Now that I am shaking off my case of writers block, or returning from sabbatical, however I feel like framing this non writing time frame, I can’t help but feel that one of the biggest missed opportunities is not to have written any type of assessment at all on the changing of the year.
No reflections of the one left behind. No meaningful insights on what was learned.
Not a single mention of hope for the year ahead. No resolutions made.
It’s such a commonplace practice. I’d almost venture to say it’s straight up human nature to pause, reflect, and then go forward stating intentions.
Newspapers everywhere offer “the year in review”. Radio DJ’s play the years top songs. We look back collectively and recall the famous folks who left us. The biggest scandals, etc.
Yet here I am, little miss loves to over-share, gone radio silent.
Nothing.
Crickets.
I suppose I now feel the need to shout out my highlight reel of 21 before I can find my flow in 22. How could I not when in reality, 2021 may have been one of my best years yet!
Not necessarily my most comfortable, not one that found me happy every single day of it, not one that I acted right in without question, and made all good choices, but one that provided a vast amount of growth opportunities.
I left behind 2020 and welcomed 21 on a couch at 727 (My boyfriend’s home. His childhood home. A home I instantly loved and felt connected to when I entered it two years earlier. A home rich in history, occupied by the very best ghosts. << more on 727 later). I sat on the couch with his mom as we streamed music live from New Orleans. Some of my favorite musicians played on stage to an empty venue, but thousands of living rooms.
This was the current normal.
My boyfriend came and went from the room as he happily occupied himself with this and that projects. Uncle Dan occasionally looking up from his book to engage.
Moments to midnight we gathered in one spot, we counted down, and I held hands with my love as we passed through the magic moment that transports us from one year to the next.
The hugs and kisses exchanged, texts sent to those we couldn’t be with, and our well wishes stated for the new year we were now in.
And so began 2021.
As the months rolled on from one into another I did pen my thoughts on stand out moments….Our first road trip of the year, the day after Valentine’s Day loss of my big black cat Massacre, (who ironically was a Valentine’s Day baby) who’d been by my side for 17 years. And one of the most difficult events to process….The loss of our good friend who left us just 3 weeks after an unexpected diagnosis.
My pen also found its way into the past. I shared several memoir style stories. One of which brought my estranged mom out of the woodwork to set the record straight.
Not surprisingly she had a different take on the events. I apparently did not properly appreciate the sacrifice she made for me in revealing that my boyfriend could not be trusted.
For me she suffered through three long days and nights of proving it over, and over, and over again….😏 <<< I feel the sideways sarcastic smile is the only appropriate way to end that sentence….
Moving away from the sarcastic side of things, it’s worth noting I wasn’t mad when I read what she wrote. My head didn’t explode from the lunacy of her justifications, nor did I feel the need to respond.
I have peace today and she’s just part of my story. I wish her no harm, but I can not let her into this life I’ve worked so hard for.
Some other note worthy progress, or healing style vibes that I recognize as having stemmed from an ability to process things better through the act of writing, is steps taken after my fun little tale of madness and moonlight.
What I shared in that post was not something new, I suffered with erratic behavior for as long as I could remember. Occasionally prone to fits of rage. A default setting of anger when fear or sadness threatened to overtake me.
Having a written record of those feelings poured onto a page was a game changer. I read and reread and thought to myself “do something, you don’t have to live like this”.
So do something I did. With a low dose anti depressant and the help of a good therapist (took me 3 tries to find the right one), it’s been incredible. Not to suggest that change happens in an instant, but many a full moon has come and gone since, doing nothing more than mesmerizing me with its beauty and providing a charge for my crystals.
Half way through the year, half way through the summer, still sad from the losses, dealing with some work life uncertainty, and adjusting to the steps involved with seeking extra help, seems like a good place to pause…Especially since here is exactly where I was actually forced to pause.
My usual summer shenanigans abruptly halted as I dealt with the physical effects of a serious tick borne illness.
What started out as a nice enough year had taken some unexpected turns and I quietly worried about what lay ahead.
Fun fact-Turns out the best was yet to be!
To be continued…
Seahorses and Sunflowers 🌻 